[E240] Your Summer Survival Guide

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. Welcome to the Empowered to Connect podcast where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Welcome to summer, everyone. Tana and I, I have a funny story as we're beginning. Tana is here with me and I'm Jesse Ferris. This is Tana Ottinger. We want to talk about surviving the summer, your guide to surviving the summer. But our idea about it was to go meet up. Both of our kids go to the same school. There's some, some athletic programming during the summer months and we were going to meet up during that programming when our kids were occupied and like take a walk around the track and we were going to be so cute with our little like mini mics and like taking our walk and getting our exercise and talking with you all and, you know, best laid plans. So true to summer fashion, we've pivoted and we're on the zoom screen with each other and talking with you today. [00:01:17] Speaker B: So because apparently kids still get sick in the summer, which is what's happened at my house this week, I am so confused by summer colds. Like they annoy me in a different way than they do in the winter. Like when it's winter. [00:01:30] Speaker A: Yeah, why is that a thing? [00:01:31] Speaker B: In the wintertime you're like, yeah, your kids are gonna get stuffy and they're gonna have sore throats. But what are we doing having a sore throat and sneezing and stuffy in the middle of the heat of summer? And I think it might happen every year. And I think every year it makes me mad because I'm like, go out to the pool and kill those germs in the sun. Like I expect the sun to kill the germs or something. [00:01:54] Speaker A: I do expect that as well. Like just give them some heat therapy or something. [00:01:58] Speaker B: Totally, totally, totally. So anyway, we've pivoted, we're in our respective houses and I'm quarantining away from Jesse because my kids are passing something around. But anyway, it is fun to think about the summer. And so it's just a thing. It's a thing. It's the part of the cycle of parenthood. I keep being like, oh, here another one comes. Oh, here another one comes. So anyway, it's fun to talk about. [00:02:23] Speaker A: Do you listener ever talk back to us when you're listening to the podcast? Because when I am listening to podcasts, I am always talking along or if I listen to my friends on Marco Polo, I'm always like talking back to them. Even though it's just a video I'm watching. So my question to you that you can talk back to us at is like, how do you feel in April as you know that the summer is approaching? You know, you've gotten spring break out of the way. You know, summer's coming down the pike. Like, what does that feel like to you in your emotions and in your mind and in your body? And then I'd like to ask you that question, Tana. [00:03:03] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it has felt differently with kids of different ages and I think it is felt differently based on my own summertime responsibilities. So, you know, it's no surprise. I've shared this a lot. Our oldest just recently turned 26, so I think I've had 26 summers of motherhood. And you can imagine every single one of them was very different than the one before based on age and stage and responsibilities, finances, opportunities. You know, like we really. I feel like I've had to curate 26 different summers and I do think about summer as something I have to curate. So if you're like, how do you feel? Something that's probably always true is a sense of like curating whatever the summer thing is going to look like. So maybe that's. I feel responsible, probably have expectations, probably a little overwhelmed, even if I'm all, even when I homeschooled for a season and I'm like, well, this is just more of the same. So like I feel responsible all the time, probably 26 years. But I have different other feelings sprinkled in based on seasons, ages and stages probably. How about you? [00:04:25] Speaker A: I love your. I love your word curate. Like it isn't so much of motherhood curating or parenthood to expand that. [00:04:35] Speaker B: I, [00:04:38] Speaker A: well, and I'm curious. I want to circle back to this in a second. I'll tell you how I felt. I, I think I'm. I always feel like something big is loading, you know. You know, it almost makes me think about like technology and when something's downloading or uploading or loading in general. And it's just you've got the wheel. I have kind of a spinny wheel in my heart and mind in April and May, even as mayber. And all the things are flying at me. It's like, ah, this thing is coming and I've got to be ready for it. And so no surprise to Tana probably either you listeners, I, I start with the most. So it'll be like this feeling like I've got to do the most and be the most. And I'm like starting to Think through, like, what, you know, there are. How many weeks are in summer? 14. Something like that. [00:05:41] Speaker B: Something. [00:05:42] Speaker A: 12, 13, 10. I don't know. We. I will start, like, making lists. Like, what 10 places will we go to? What 10 movies will we watch, what 10 cookie recipes, peas will we make, what 10 kinds of lemonade will I serve? Will I have ready in my fridge? You know, like. And inevitably, I'm going to fail at half. [00:06:08] Speaker B: I was giving you some credit, Jess. I was like, you'll see. I'm like, fair enough. Most. Most. [00:06:14] Speaker A: Okay, just get real and say, all right, like, we're gonna watch two movies, and maybe I'll make lemonade ones. But there's something. I mean, I think we know this. I know this about myself, that when I start to feel anxious, I grasp for control and structure like it is. That's the safe place I run to. And maybe that's not true for everyone, but that's kind of where it starts for me, is I start, like, going into this super micromanage, control planning mode and have to find my way through and out of that little bit. I want to circle back to homeschooling, too, because I know a lot of our listeners probably do homeschool, and I have never done that. I've never lived that life. So I'm curious. What does it feel like when you're planning for the school year versus planning for the summer? Is that different? Was that different for you? [00:07:13] Speaker B: That's a sweet question. I'm going to have to go back to the archives, because it's been a hot minute, and it was a. It was a huge part of my life. I think homeschooling, you know, different people homeschool for different reasons. And so sometimes homeschoolers are continuing school through the summer, and they find that that works for their family because maybe it's really hot outside wherever they live, and they want to take extended times during other seasons. And I did that a couple of years. I might take almost like a. Like a couple weeks off and then get right back to it. [00:07:51] Speaker A: Because I want a mini break. [00:07:52] Speaker B: Exactly. Because I wanted longer over the holidays or when it was fall or spring and it wasn't as hot outside. So there were a couple of seasons when I kind of skimmed over summer as just, we're taking seasons of breaks. And that worked for the kids because it kept structure in place, but allowed for me to have flexibility more than I might have. And I needed flexibility because I was homeschooling to respond to needs. So my motivation for homeschooling was. It's what my kids needed, and I needed to be flexible to respond. So sort of schooling year round gave me that flexibility. Then there were other seasons where I was like, if I don't take this, like, very structured break, I'm not going to be okay. So I would, like, close the books, even shut it down, move it very much like a structured transition so that we could all flip gears and, like, have a summer. Because when school is at home, it's very hard to detach from it. Just like, maybe some of us who work from home experience that, you know, it's hard to not feel like you're working all the time if you work from home. Think about if you school at home. Sometimes it's hard to switch that off. And some families don't want to. They want school to feel like home. So I really think it's about what's happening in the homeschool culture of that family. So I approach that different ways in different seasons. I found it to be hard for me personally, and quite a challenge for me. I much prefer, like, a traditional school structure and, like, summers off just because I need time to recover. So anyway, I, you know, I love summer, actually. Like, I really love it. [00:09:37] Speaker A: I do, too. I really love summer. [00:09:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:42] Speaker A: So why do we think we have to, like, why do we get so anxious about it? Because I do love it so much. That's. This is my question. Like, why do we feel like we have to survive summer? What. What's in that? [00:09:54] Speaker B: When we talk about that, I think, again, this is probably really, really unique based on different families. Structure. Right. So I think of one of my dear friends. She's a single mom. She works full time, and you know, her kiddo, she relies on school to help provide that structure and time and care as she's parenting her kiddo. So approaching summer, we're always talking right after the turn of the year, what is the summer plan? Because she has to make a new plan almost every week. [00:10:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:31] Speaker B: This camper, that camper, like, she. Summer is heavy on her financially, and it's a significant responsibility because she doesn't have the built in support of school. She's got to figure out how to fill the days. And might that require some days off or vacation based on. I can't find a camp this week. So I think there's a real reality for working parents that summer feels like we have to. We're fully on our own here to get our kids covered and to provide that structure. And so I can really relate to that. That hasn't been my personal lived experience. I work full time, but I've had the ability to be flexible in the summer. Work from home, you know, structure my days. I'm still getting my work done, but I. That's. I know that's a privilege and not something everybody has the opportunity to do. So I think there is a real reason why you feel like you're surviving it because you are, you're gotta curate it. It goes back to that idea of curating. Yeah. And then if you are around the house, then, you know, I don't know how many times in the last couple of weeks I've been in the middle of work and I've been asked for a snack or a meal or can you come do art with me? Or could we play a quick game of this? Or can you come shoot hoops in my room for a few minutes? Or can we go to the pool right now? Or when can we go to the pool? I mean, you know, I am getting a lot of like lovely words that I do not want always when I'm trying to work. So, you know, that's something else required of me. I can't flip a switch and completely focus at work because I have this gift of flexibility. But it means I'm working from home and my kids are just in the same house as I am right now, kind of waiting on me. Like when are mom and dad going to be free to do whatever it is that we want to do for the rest of the day? So. So there's this pressure. So it's about responsibility ultimately for me and how to manage and juggle that. And it's just. But I love, I personally like that flexibility. Like Jesse and I talked about this last week, like how I structure my summertime work, life balance. I really love getting up, hitting it early, working hard and like taking a midday break and going out in the sunshine or go to the pool with the kids for a couple hours, come back, get them settled back in and come back to work at night. And that really suits me well personally. So I'm like, oh, I like the summer structure versus maybe the structure of the school year. It just suits my personality. How about you? [00:13:02] Speaker A: Yeah, well, and I'll add, you're like a classic night owl too. [00:13:07] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. [00:13:08] Speaker A: So that might be like sound like death to other people, but I know for you. Well, and I am too. I'm a night owl. So if anyways the idea of like [00:13:18] Speaker B: getting, coming back to work later when [00:13:20] Speaker A: you're feeling tired, like Spending some of that time like getting out in the sun with your kids or doing something, exercising and moving. [00:13:27] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Midday coming back to it. Yeah, it feels good to me. [00:13:32] Speaker A: I have enjoyed that. About the flexibility of just how we work at etc I think, I mean this is a little bit when we talk about transitions and structure and schedules and rituals and routines. Like anytime you have a big change up, it's going to create little anxiety for everyone. And so I wonder if, you know, entering my parenthood years, I became a mom in the summer. We brought our first daughter home in July. And I remember being like I'm here for this, you know, like. But I, I was transitioning from full time paid work to full time caregiving. I was, I was a stay at home mom for about a decade and so to ramp up for those summers, it was like it changed the supplies I needed. I was always going to need more food in the house. Speaking of snacks, it's like why do kids feel hungrier in the sucker? I don't know. There's so many snacks. [00:14:44] Speaker B: Jesse, I'm going to interrupt. It's 11:30 as we're recording this. I'm just going to name something out. It's 11:30. We have fed our children today already three times. [00:14:55] Speaker A: Hilarious. [00:14:56] Speaker B: It's 11:30 in the morning. Three things have been prepared or handed off. Anyway, keep going. So we have already done breakfast, snack and lunch. It's 11:30. There will be at least three or four more meals. [00:15:08] Speaker A: Yes. And I mean when those littles were, I mean when we both have teenager ish age kids, but when those kids were younger it was probably even more than that. [00:15:20] Speaker B: Oh my gosh, just food all the [00:15:22] Speaker A: time, Grazing all day long. Yes, yes. [00:15:24] Speaker B: Okay. [00:15:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. No, I've already given a kid a time when she can start making her ice tray sushi recipe. Like we ran out of salmon yesterday. So what will we do about that? You know anyways, the, that just requires. It's the transition of like a different schedule, a different different ways of being and I think that creates, it removes some felt safety that structure gives us and our kids. [00:16:00] Speaker B: Yes. [00:16:01] Speaker A: I'm thinking about your friend because we've talked about this. Like our kids probably feel a certain way too. Some of them love getting to see their friends all day every day and then they go home to their homes. Maybe they don't, maybe you don't live near friends that they can get together with or it requires a lot more planning to do that if they're going to be at home all day or you know, the friend that you were talking about, they're now entering like a different kind of structured schedule that maybe wears them out even more. Maybe it's a longer day or more physical activity. Exactly. [00:16:37] Speaker B: More time in the heat, whatever. [00:16:38] Speaker A: Yes. And that can be different. To get home from a summer day camp or to get home from a sleep away camp and then have that, that time with your kid. So I think this idea of surviving summer is like some half of it for me is just getting my mind around that expectation of what the summer will be. You know, like, what's it gonna feel like, what do I want? So continuing into this conversation, I think I would love like, what are some tips we can give our listeners of like, okay, you know, we're not coming to you in April as you're planning, or January as you're planning. If you're setting up those camps, we're coming to you in June. And so as you're in the middle of your summer, what can you be doing? What is your summer survival guide? So do you want to kick us off or you want me to tell you? [00:17:36] Speaker B: I mean, something I think about is like, summer doesn't mean like, no structure, you know, like I even, even one of my kiddos who, who likes to move towards structure, you know, is, is checking in with me. We've had a, you know, a few different weeks as we've started summer, but we're about to hit, you know, about a four week stretch where we're probably, each week's probably gonna look kind of similar to the week before. And he's like, when should I start my summer routine? Because he tends to like summer routines. And I was like, let's start that Tuesday. And he knows what that means for him. So we're, you know, he's teenager and he's kind of, he likes it. So he's, we've been talking for weeks about what his summer routine is going to be. And that doesn't mean it's my summer routine or doesn't mean it's the sibling summer routine. It's his summer routine because it meets what he needs his days to look like he likes. So I think about this like, it doesn't, it doesn't mean no structure. It might mean a little bit less or it needs a new rhythm, but not rigidity. So you know, you're a few weeks in. It's maybe my encouragement is it's not too late to start a routine. We just literally started ours. Yesterday was the first day we had a summer routine at Home. So don't think about it like we're going to. It's going to feel this way for a few weeks even. And then maybe there's a camp or a vacation or something. But any kind of rhythm, I think, settles us down. I think kids are seeking predictability and seeking rhythm. Even if you've decided that your teenager is just exhausted and needs time to rest. Like I said to them at the beginning, guys, I think the first few weeks we're going to rest and recover. And so they knew that, like, I was gonna let them just chill. It's like we're gonna go do. You said you kind of told them we've got morning athletics. So one of our kids has early morning sports practice. Like, we're at School by 7:34 mornings a week during the summer. So it's go do the exercise, come home. And for our kids in this season, for these weeks, I've been like, and then just hop online with your friends, get in your cozies, cuddle back in your bed, have lights out and just chill and recover. But, like, we won't do that the whole time. But I've named that. That's what we're doing for a little while, and then we're going to move into. This other kid is like, when should I start that routine? Which means he's had his fill of that and he's ready for something else. So I would be looking for patterns that can be responsive to the actual needs of your kids. What do your kids need? And maybe they need activity. Maybe they need some days to look as similar as possible. Maybe they need a lot of physical input. Maybe they need to be going and running and doing. Maybe they need to be given permission to veg out and let their brains and bodies rest, even if it's a little more electronics than you would normally give them. Like, this is not prescriptive. It's responsive and predictable. That would be my encouragement. What. What comes up for you initially? [00:20:58] Speaker A: The first thing. And it kind of dovetails with what you're saying, Tana. I have really benefited from the lazy genius and the way she talks about seasons. Would anybody love to get her on the podcast who knows her in real life? Come on, Kendra, we're ready for you. That's right. That's awesome. I just love the way she. When she talks about seasons. And I've picked this up maybe in her book called the Plan or in some of her podcast episodes or something, but she talks about this idea of thinking about what you look forward to about A season as it's approaching, like, what are the sights and the smells and the colors and the tastes that you most look forward to? And that really helps me because I think something about that sensory element of summer. Like, we love music. In my family, we love food. In my family, we. I mean, maybe that. Maybe my family is like all other families. I don't know. But I. To just be able to even think in my mind, like, okay, half of us love watermelon. The other half don't. But who cares about them? Because I'm in the half that loves it. So we will be having watermelon. I just bought our first one of the season this week. [00:22:20] Speaker B: We're on about seven already. Jesse. [00:22:22] Speaker A: There you go. [00:22:23] Speaker B: I mean, it is a thing when the first watermelon comes, we're like, it's summer excited. [00:22:27] Speaker A: I love peaches. So we're going to have fresh peaches. And I'm going to like, start thinking about, like, we. We all sit down to family dinner most nights. Not every family gets to do that or wants to do that, but that's something we do. And so thinking about, like, okay, how can I take our favorite foods? I love to grill. I am a lady who loves to grill. I discovered this several years ago and asked for, like, a good grill for Mother's Day one year. And I was like, forget the Father's Day, girl. I am ready for grilling. So we always grill in the summer. I'm talking about these things. But these are the rituals, right? These are the things that are the touch points of summer that our family, like, knows the Ferris family enjoys doing this, right? Like, we like this. This is what makes our summer summer. And so some of those things have happened for a long time. When my girls were really young. I do have a kiddo who loves structure. And anytime the structure changes, there's going to be some emotional dysregulation. And it doesn't matter how old this person is. I mean, I kind of relate. It's hard. I can get sticky gears sometimes. It's hard to transition from what I had to something different. And so when this kid was really young, we started, you know, you were saying some kids need to get out and do this is one of those kids. So we did a schedule like zoo on Monday, Botanic garden on Tuesday, library on Wednesday, movie day on Thursday, AKA mom gets to sit for a second. You know, but we, we kept that schedule every week. And I had the memberships to the things and we would go, you know, it was just pulling the lever for taking the bag that we took to go out of our house and going to do the thing. But one of those things was going to the library. We went once a week and we always ate at this French bistro place right next to the library that we love afterwards. So as my kids have gotten older, you know, they like reading on their Kindles or they like, you know, they don't need to go to the library anymore. And the adult section's not as fun for them as the kids section was and all the fun stuff. But you better believe they still want to go to La Baguette. Like, they want to go get their tomato soup at La Baguette. So we build that into our summer. And I can still pull on that ritual of like, you know, when we start having a stretch when we're all home together, like, okay, what day, what days do we want to go to La Baguette? Like, we will have a LA bag at lunch. Um, so I like to just start with thinking about what does. What makes summer feel like Summer. And I also ask our kids that, like, yes. What makes summer feel like summer to you? [00:25:25] Speaker B: Yes. Not even surprise you what they say. [00:25:28] Speaker A: Exactly. It doesn't always have to be a big bucket list. And we'll talk about this in a second. We have a summer survival kit that we hope you'll utilize any of it that you want. And on there is a bucket list. But like Tana saying it might surprise you what ends up on that list. Like, it's love I get for my girls. [00:25:48] Speaker B: You know, I mean, one of my kids is. The question will be, what do we have to do after we get home from workouts today? Not what do we get to do? What do we have to do? And if I say nothing, you can get in your cozies and snuggle up. They are so happy. [00:26:05] Speaker A: That lights them up. [00:26:06] Speaker B: So what feels like summer is the ability to get in my pajamas at 11:30 after I have done all this hard physical activity and just power down. So maybe don't make assumptions that it's a lot on you. It might be for some kids, but for some others it might be I really just want to be able to stay home and rest for a while because the school year is busy. [00:26:29] Speaker A: Yeah, it is. And sometimes just not having a grown up tell you where you have to be and what you have to do is that summer. [00:26:39] Speaker B: Right, right. [00:26:41] Speaker A: So you have to know your kids. I hope you're hearing both of us say like. And the more kids you add to that mix, the trickier it can get because you're balancing the needs of the different people. I mean, there are two at my house, and they have opposite desires for what they want to do. One of them wants to lollygag and daydream and get in the cozies and do nothing. One of them wants to go, go, go, do, do, do. What's next? What are we doing? So, trying to figure out what. What meets those needs in a balanced way. But it's probably going to require, as they get older, a conversation and when they were younger. Oh, the curations. The curations of the things. Yeah. [00:27:27] Speaker B: I have a few things that I'm thinking about. You know, we. I, at this moment, I feel, you know, responsible. I will use that word because that is how it feels to me. Sort of responsible for the summers of just two of our kids, our middle teenagers. The other ones are young adults, and they don't have a big change from school to summer. So just thinking specifically about our two teenagers, the last couple of years, I have. We haven't been able to do just a ton of travel. We've taken a few trips, but our summers haven't been marked by big experiences. Right. So I'm always thinking, like, when this is just me, when they go back to school and somebody says, what'd you do this summer? You know? And I'm like, oh, there's so much pressure on a parent to be like, [00:28:15] Speaker A: my kids complain about that. They're like, we went to the library, Mom. [00:28:18] Speaker B: Right. And their friend went to Europe, you know, on a world tour. I'm like, wamp, wamp. Okay. So I'm like, you know, me, just my personality. I'm like, I want them to have something that marks the summer if it doesn't feel like a big trip. So we have some of those things that you're talking about, just those rhythms that. That we do. One of those is we do get a membership to the ymca, and we go and exercise and go work out and swim and do and get sunshine. And that is a fun thing that Mo and I get to do with those two kids particularly. But two summers ago, we did an ongoing competition all summer. It was a game competition. And it was. [00:28:59] Speaker A: I remember this. [00:29:00] Speaker B: Yeah, it was Mo and I and our son and my mom that lives with us. And then our daughter doesn't really enjoy the competitive side. That's not her thing. But she likes to join. So she'll be the dealer or keep score or, you know, sit with us. So she was included if she wanted to be. But she wasn't down in the deep competition, but we just started a score at the beginning of the summer, and there was a winner at the end, and we had a couple of games that we would choose from, and we played a game almost every night all summer long, and then there was a grand winner at the end. So when all of us think back to that summer, there was no big trip, but Finn was ahead most of the summer, and I, you know, lapped him, and then I ended up winning. So it's. [00:29:42] Speaker A: Oh, good for you. [00:29:43] Speaker B: I feel happy. For me. I totally won. Rummy cube and five crowns battle. Like, I was the queen of the summer. But it was fun. It kept us engaged. And then the next summer, the kids were getting a little bit older and they wanted to start watching Marvel movies. So I thought we might watch one or two. So it was like the first week school was out. We started with one testing the water, you know, is this okay? Too intense. I just wasn't sure how it would fly. And they got so into them that literally from the beginning of the summer to the end of the summer, we watched every Marvel movie, which meant we were watching almost a Marvel movie a night. [00:30:17] Speaker A: That's a commitment. Yeah. [00:30:19] Speaker B: And so that's the summer of Marvel. And then this summer, we are just about to start because it's been a little bit bumpy. But I've learned to play mahjong this year based on a friend that taught that to me. And I'm bringing my kids along and my family and our son wants to learn how to play poker. So they're about to be 14, so this is gonna be the year of me, like, us letting them bet. So we're gonna play mahjong and poker for money. Just start with the bag of money, and then you get to keep your money at the end. But I'm just looking for something like that, you know, that can make maybe one summer feel a little bit different than the other, but that I've told you things so far that have cost US$0. You know, I had to buy some poker, like how to learn poker thing, and we're gonna. I'm giving them each 20 bucks or something, but I mean, you could even [00:31:10] Speaker A: do it with Skittles, though, or pennies. We used to play penny poker in my family. Yes. [00:31:15] Speaker B: Yeah. So I love the like, I. I appreciated what you said. If you're hunting for some structure, that's like a week to week rhythm with some flexibility, I think that works really beautifully. I think you could have Friday night movie night or Friday night, game night. Just something that kind of binds it together a little bit. But you could also just deem it the summer of whatever it is you're finding them naturally gravitating to and, like, name it and, like, lean into it. And then that will help them, like, market, you know? And then they're going to get to go back to school and they're going to say, at our house, it was the summer of mahjong and poker. You know, or as my son says, I get to gamble. You know, and he's just being silly. But find some. Find whatever's unique to you. You know, like you said, y' all are music people. That isn't necessarily my house. Our older kids, like, I can't put music on and let it permeate the house. Cause there's significant competing needs in our family. So my kids wouldn't think, oh, we always had music playing in our house. They wouldn't think that, but they would think, oh, I remember when mom always had a watermelon cut on the counter. And we played those games, and we got to go swimming a couple times a week, just whatever it is that's yours, and meet your own family's needs. But I would encourage you to try to be a little intentional or at least name what's already happening, because it'll help your kids find. I'm thinking about again, predictability, rituals, rhythms, routines. It is okay to call, like, to name your. Your family's normal rhythm so that everybody can be like, oh, that's what we're doing. And it just settles you in and helps you have a culture of belonging. Like, this is who we are, and this is what our summer looked like. And I think that's really important for kids, no matter how old they are. [00:33:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Hopefully, if you have older kids, this. I think we're giving you some good ideas. If you've got younger kids, let's park there for just a second. Because we have done the younger kids. And I'm thinking, even just in those stretches of weeks when we were home, here are a couple of things that you may not have thought of that were just. They were easy. I didn't go the most with these, but it was just a little delight to have at home and kept them occupied for a few days in a row. [00:33:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:50] Speaker A: One of them was. There was a summer that I. We did have a room that we were calling our playroom. It was actually a room I'm in right now that is now an office. But all of our toys and Stuff we kept in there so we could shut the door to it. And I, instead of keeping all the toys in the room that that summer I moved a bunch of them out into my bedroom closet and I curated the toys that were in the toy room and something about rotating those, it like made it feel like new toys to them that was kind of fun. They were like preschool, young, elementary school age when I was doing that. And I remember I didn't do this every week, but there was one week that I was like, I'm getting out all the cars and driving toys and we like put paper on the floor and they got to draw roads. I know that sounds like the most, [00:34:48] Speaker B: but it was like, no, I was [00:34:49] Speaker A: doing the least I could do, you know, for a few days of fun. Yeah, there was a week that I think I put. I bought some like envelopes and post it notes and stuff from the, in paper clips from the dollar store and I let them play office. And we like pulled out the play phones and the dead cell phones, you know, that they could pretend were working. And they played office with each other when they were like in elementary school. Just stuff like that that was like age appropriate at home. Just a little something new for the week. [00:35:29] Speaker B: Can I piggyback on that, Jesse? Yeah, yeah. What you're saying right now resonates so deeply with me. And again, what you're saying you did was in my homeschool years. And so I had to, I had to really, I did have to go hard after it because I was trying to figure out how to do this all the time. But I probably went to like a little breakout group or something at a homeschool conference and the lady was talking about what you're saying. And I went to Office Depot and bought about 20 banker boxes and pulled them up into my house and thought real hard. And I divided all of our toys up into those boxes and made them exactly what you're saying themes. So there was like a spy and discovery theme and then there was an office had a post office theme. Then there was a gardening theme and there was a chatgpt would be your friend right now. I didn't have a plan. I was just having to do it off my brain. But there was a transfer, transportation. There was a, gosh, it's been so long a baking. And then there might have been a kitchen. And then there was baby dolls. Like, I was making our toys like centers. There was a science. There was marbles, like, and I was dividing the toys out. And then before I went to bed Every night, I would pull a theme or two out, and it was ready for in the morning. And into your point. It just changed everything for our family because it structured the play a little bit, and it helped invite creativity. And I didn't buy anything new. Well, I bought the boxes. But I had so much stuff everywhere. I mean, my kids got so much more out of the things that we already had. And we might do one of those, put it away at lunchtime or nap time, and pull a different one out at bedtime for afternoon up until. And it was awesome. So I love that idea. And if you're finding that your kids can't figure out how to play with their stuff, then literally go into ChatGPT and say, please give me, you know, 15 ideas for creative. Maybe call it centers. Like, that's what it is at school. They make centers. And I bet you have what you need to do that anyway. [00:38:03] Speaker A: And I'll tell you what I would do. I would go. I would probably stand in the door doorway of that playroom and take a picture and upload it and be like, what do I have? [00:38:12] Speaker B: Oh, even better, because you. Thank you, Jess. Jesse uses technology better than I do. Exactly right. [00:38:18] Speaker A: This is what I have. Please make some centers out of this. [00:38:21] Speaker B: I mean, you. I remember. This is all coming back to me. I had to throw a party box, and it had an old party supplies, balloons and ribbons and banners, and I'm like, throw a party for your stuffed animals. And, like, they decorated our entire dining room one day just to throw a pretend birthday party. [00:38:39] Speaker A: Our. [00:38:40] Speaker B: Our dining room got turned into a jungle one day, and they were making trees and this and that and bringing their, you know, wild jungle animals into the dining room. You have to maybe be okay with a little bit of a mess. So maybe that would be my. I'm having memories and flashbacks of, like, I think my wife. [00:39:02] Speaker A: Wish you could see Tana's face right now. [00:39:04] Speaker B: I was like, oh, de. My whole house belongs to those hooligans back in the day. [00:39:09] Speaker A: But that was true anyways. That was true anyways. Okay, I want to name something. As you're listening to this, some of you guys are listening to this, and you're like, oh, my gosh, this is magic. I'm running to my. You know, totally, boys and doing this right away. [00:39:25] Speaker B: Some of you guys dying. [00:39:26] Speaker A: Are you bleeding? Kidding me right now? Yeah. [00:39:31] Speaker B: You don't have to do it. You don't have to do it. [00:39:34] Speaker A: I want. I just want to name that because this is a dynamic that just exists in Parenthood, maybe especially motherhood. [00:39:41] Speaker B: Yes. [00:39:42] Speaker A: If I can talk to the moms for a second. Like, you don't have somebody. Tana was not doing this at anyone. She was doing it for her family. Right. Like, this is kind of a thing I've got about momming. It's like, I'm not momming at anyone else. I'm just doing my thing with my kids. Right. And if we can look at the way other people do summer and know that they're not doing it at us, they're just doing their summer, we can do ours. And it doesn't mean anything about theirs or ours. I'm saying this because I've been up on the social media as I'm like making stuff for etc and doom scrolling for myself and there's just so many comments. There's so much commentary and a lot. The day that we released our summer survival kit, I saw somebody else who didn't even, they don't even know us saying something about, guys, we've got to talk about the summer survival. Stop trying to be the most. Just do you know. And they were, they were doing their own commentary. And I know that part of this is just how we get people to watch our reels and our stories and all the things. But what I want to tell you is if you're finding the need and really what I'm saying, if you are finding the need, if you see your kids needing some structure, then pull the lever on putting some structure in place. If you are finding the need to sit and let your kids get in, stay in their pajamas all day and watch TV and play games on their iPad or whatever, then let that happen. Like you are the expert in your family. [00:41:21] Speaker B: That's right. [00:41:22] Speaker A: Go figure it out. [00:41:23] Speaker B: Right. [00:41:24] Speaker A: Like you can do that and use the tool. Like, we would love for you to take advantage of our summer survival kit. There are a whole lot of checklists in there. So if you look at it and you're like, I think I'm just going to use the bucket list. Great. Like we did. We did not create that for you to print everything out, tape it all up and then make everybody use it every day. I just want to encourage you. Like you, you get to be the curator and don't let anything else that you're listening to or watching tell you that you're doing it wrong. [00:41:58] Speaker B: I mean, Jesse, I. I have so much empathy, so much empathy for parents right now. I mean, when I was parenting these other kiddos, while, while I do think I was in a. I was experiencing A little bit of a resource deficit. Right. Like I've shared that transparently on the podcast. We did not have the tools and resources that I wish that we did when we started parenting. Are kiddos. I wish I had had different information. I wish. I just wish I had had other things. So I felt like I was finding my way pretty alone. But all I had was the beginning of Pinterest. Like when Pinterest was starting, that's what I had. So I was trying to find activities or things to do to meet my kids needs on Pinterest. And what you're saying right now is really pulling up in me a significant amount of empathy because I cannot imagine the pressure of feeling like you're being parented at that simply happens when you open your phone. You know, I had my own version of that in those early years of figuring some of this stuff out as who the Ottingers were and who our kids needed us to be. But it was only that we. Only people I was experiencing that was with my people. [00:43:21] Speaker A: I was the people you knew. Yeah. Existed. But it was just, you had to talk to people what they were about what they were doing. [00:43:28] Speaker B: That's right. It's who I would meet at the park. That's how I experienced it, you know, So I. It means a lot to me for you to like slow the conversation down and just sort of call that out because your kids do not need a parent that is attempting to curate somebody else's summer because you feel like you need to do that. I think the biggest gift you can give them is yourself and your own, like, trust yourself. Trust your own wisdom and your own vision and your own intuition and your own experience. And you know, keep trying to meet that balance of meeting your own needs and meeting their needs because sometimes those are in competition with each other and we just simply know that's true. So this could be a moment where your needs and their needs are maybe the contradiction of those two things could be thrown in high relief in the summer, but we know it's a season to your point. So, you know, meet your needs, don't curate somebody else's. I mean, Jesse and I run life really differently. If you haven't been able to figure out like Jesse's like, oh, I did the most. Made just like I did the most. I bought envelopes. I'm like, girl, no, I did the Most. I made 25 themed boxes. But. But you know what, Jesse? I did that for one set of kids because that's what they needed. When we started parenting our Two youngest, and they went through that age and stage in development. I did not make themed boxes because those two kids didn't need that. We were in a different season, living a different life with different children. [00:45:18] Speaker A: And let's be honest, by then, at those ages, you were also working in paid positions and probably didn't have the capacity to do all of that, too. [00:45:28] Speaker B: That's right. [00:45:29] Speaker A: So it's what Tana's saying. It is like discerning what is needed for our kids and also discerning what's needed for us, our capacity, like, what brings us joy. Like, it does not bring me joy to get kids ready for the pool and to go swimming with them and get them to splash me and go underwater with them. That does not bring me life. My kids want that. So I did that when they were young, but it wasn't what I anchored my summer around. I would sprinkle it in, you know? Like, what I loved was going to the library and looking at all the [00:46:04] Speaker B: books and guess where I wanted to [00:46:06] Speaker A: be 50 of them. Did you want to be at the pool? [00:46:08] Speaker B: Oh, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. Different. [00:46:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Right. So you're just balancing. It's okay. It's like hearing that Tana did that. I'm not like, oh, my gosh, you know, or like, hearing, you know, if somebody's a little more. A little less structured. You're not like, oh, my gosh, I've robbed my kid of their childhood joy. You know, we just. We can give each other the benefit of the doubt and then take those helpful tips. I want to share with you if you're. If you're parenting littles. Some other things that were helpful to me in those years. There were times when I would gather other moms, mom friends of mine, so I was meeting a social need of mine. But our. Our kids were also friends in those years. Right. And so we would bring the people to our backyard. I'd say, we're going to be outside. Only bring a snack to share and a water. Something to do with water. And I would set up, like, four box fans, and we would just, like, sweat it out for a couple hours. That was so fun. They all helped me clean up. They all helped me set up. So it wasn't like some big thing I had to do by myself. We also met up a lot at playgrounds, at pools, at the zoo, you know, so help. You can. You can meet those social needs behind what I'm saying. There were a lot of social needs I had. I'm an Extrovert. One of my other kiddos is an extrovert. And so I was thinking of those whole person needs and head to our social media. We've got that, that we've posted recently. Be thinking about those. Because if you're, if you've got, if you're feeling disgruntled, if you've got a disgruntled kiddo, you may be feeling like you're doing all the things the most in the area and then you're forget another area. Like, oh, maybe, maybe they're feeling a little bored of the fun. Like, I'm thinking about your kid that loves to learn, you know, like, maybe they do need to learn something new. I told both my kids this summer, because they're 12 and 16, I was like, I want you to think about something you want to learn that you don't know how to do yet. And by the end of the summer, we're going to have done it. We're one of those kids that's going to be making a resume, [00:48:34] Speaker B: right? [00:48:34] Speaker A: Yeah, one of those kids. It's like learning to draw perspective, you know, so it's, it's different for everybody. But be thinking about those whole needs and you can scratch that itch even at the youngest levels. And then I always kept a bag, a go bag, which you're doing when you have babies. But I did it all through the elementary school years, too. Always snacks, because I do not want to be caught anywhere without snacks to hand out. Always. Like all the cards, the library cards, the membership cards, the thing that was in the go bag. Like, I just called it the summer bag. I think lazy genius does this too. You know, I would have put. I didn't keep the pool towels in the linen closet. I kept them by the door by the pool bag. [00:49:23] Speaker B: Yeah, we have it. That's exactly what we do. Yeah. [00:49:25] Speaker A: Yep. [00:49:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:49:27] Speaker A: So just little things that make your life easier. That, that's what I think of when I think of surviving summer. [00:49:36] Speaker B: Can I hit on one little thing before we wrap up? Because I think it's something that I feel conflicted about in myself. And so I think I want to bring maybe the nuance to this conversation because I'm, I'm guessing that, that we're getting some messages from, you know, our, our social media about boredom. [00:49:59] Speaker A: Let's talk about it. [00:50:00] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Like, I want to talk about the complexity of this in ways that maybe would resonate with our particular audience that I think tends to follow and listen to us. Okay. So I think, I think there is I'm just going to share my own personal experience. So forgive me if I'm a little bit wordy for a minute, but I wish that boredom was something that could be tolerated. And I think that we're told and sent some messages about boredom, and that boredom is, you know, kids need to feel bored, because then boredom is where creativity and imagination happens. And boredom is, you know, the gateway to feeling safe with yourself. I mean, there's of a lot. A lot of, like, messaging around boredom. And. And actually, fundamentally, I think I agree with those things. I think I have seen and experienced that in myself, and I have seen and experienced that for different. Different of our kids in different seasons. [00:51:03] Speaker A: Okay. [00:51:05] Speaker B: But I think there is another side to that coin that we need to talk about as it pertains to the particular unique wiring of some of our kids who are neurodiverse or who have experienced maybe adversity and discomfort and how boredom can actually activate the opposite of what you might wish it did in your kids. And so if their brain. I'm gonna use adhd, for example, like the ADHD brain, some wired in certain ways in certain people, needs a lot stimulation. And if it's left unstimulated, then it can lead to unhealthy, disruptive behaviors. And, you know, I've just talked to so many parents that are like, but they need to learn how to be bored. And I'm like, I know. Isn't that. Don't we want that don't. Isn't that a goal that we all wish could be true, but. But maybe they aren't there yet? And so I think there is a dance that we need to understand the nuance of scaffolding and support and activity around kids who are neurospicy and their particular relationship to boredom versus this big ideology that maybe you've adopted around what kids should and shouldn't be able to do with boredom because it might not be what your kid can do? So I hear. I see you smirking and looking and laughing and smiling, Jesse. But, like, this is important, especially in summer. [00:52:54] Speaker A: I'm smirking because I'm like, oh, I'm so glad you took it here, let's like, talk some about this. Yeah, right. [00:53:00] Speaker B: Because I. I affirm that the desire. And again, sort of that general psychology around the benefits of boredom. I wouldn't protest any of those. [00:53:14] Speaker A: I mean, what you said, you named it as a tension within yourself. [00:53:18] Speaker B: Yes, but that doesn't mean your kid can do it, and it doesn't mean making them sit in the Discomfort is going to help them do it. [00:53:26] Speaker A: I'm saying you are naming boredom as, you know, these things are important and you also know. [00:53:34] Speaker B: Yes. That not all kids can tolerate it. [00:53:38] Speaker A: Yes. [00:53:39] Speaker B: So how do you build that? You know, do we, do we think about it as like, boredom is a tolerance skill? And how do you build a skill towards boredom? I mean, for me, last year, for one of my kids, I knew that it was going to be tricky when those moments when I needed to work and there wasn't constant input from an external source. We literally made an if you are bored list in their room and it had like 50 things. We brainstormed on it and I would just be like, look at your if you're bored list. I didn't leave them to their own devices with this. You should be able to figure out how to play alone, or you should be able to go outside and play, or you should, should, should, should, should be able to do whatever it is I wish they could do. If they can't, then they need your support because they just aren't there yet. So I want to think about scaffolding a boredom tolerance. If that is a goal you have for your kids, is to be able to entertain themselves, experience boredom and solve it for themselves. That's just asking a high. It's asking a lot. It's asking a lot for a lot of our kiddos, I would say. What are your thoughts about that, Jesse? [00:55:00] Speaker A: Oh, so many thoughts. I mean, that's why all the smiles. [00:55:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:55:05] Speaker A: Because I feel this tension too. Tana. I strongly believe that we are over programming, over saturating our kids. Like, I do feel that way. So when I see that content come by about boredom, I'm like, absolutely. And I've got ADD inattentive, ADD ADHD up in my house. I've got, you know, some history of adversity up in my house, like. And so the reality of what you're saying is my lived reality too. I, the first thing I think when you talk about, I like how you talk about boredom tolerance as a skill. I, I think it's really closely associated with regulation, actually. [00:55:57] Speaker B: But can they self regulate? [00:55:59] Speaker A: Right. Yeah, because when we talk about regulation, we talk about emotional regulation, mental regulation, sensory regulation. So like we, the way we can feel dysregulated happens in different ways. If I'm really upset, like angry, that's emotionally dysregulated. But also when I wake up in the morning and my brain is like what I'm, I am like mentally physically dysregulated, like I need, I need my coffee. And my kids know that, right? So you can be, be too high, you can be too low. Go listen to some stuff we've talked about when we talk about regulation. I think boredom is closely related with regulation. And it could be emotional and it could be mental, it could be physical. Right? And when a kid is experiencing dysregulation, that's not going to feel good to that kid. [00:57:07] Speaker B: Right? [00:57:07] Speaker A: Regulated is what feels right. And so seeking stimulation. There's lots of different ways we do that. I just had a conversation with one of my older kids just this week about. We were talking about social media and the desire. That kid really, really desires social media to be in her life. And she thought my biggest roadblock was going to be the content on social media. And I was like, I actually have a hot take for you. It's actually your ability to regulate. I would love to build the skill for you to regulate your emotions and your mind and body without using the scrolling on the phone. And I'm saying that from personal experience because when I am bored, when I am tired, when I am lonely, all those things, I will pull open my social media. And I think the ability to learn those things before you have access to that is going to be really important. So we had this whole conversation about it and I'm thinking, yes, these are skills that we build in our kids, no matter what age they are. How do you tolerate feeling bored? And how can we, how can we scaffold to the step when they finally use boredom as the spark to creativity, [00:58:31] Speaker B: which is what the parents are hoping is happening. [00:58:34] Speaker A: Right. [00:58:34] Speaker B: But I think there's a lot that has to happen between. [00:58:36] Speaker A: It's going to take a lot of whole regulation, it's going to take a lot of scaffolding. And for some of our kids, I have a kiddo that when she's bored, she can find 150 things to do, but I also have a kiddo that can't. So it's just different for different kids. I really appreciate you bringing that up because my default is to go dismiss upon it. Well, figure it out because I think that's how we're told we should handle boredom in our kids. [00:59:08] Speaker B: Right? I do think that might be the general messaging and I think it's, well, [00:59:13] Speaker A: ignore the tantrum, ignore the dysregulation, and they'll figure out how to regulate themselves. Ignore the boredom, they'll figure out how to entertain themselves. [00:59:22] Speaker B: Right? [00:59:22] Speaker A: I don't think that's true for some of our kids. [00:59:25] Speaker B: I think I'VE seen the kiddos that are the most uncomfortable with boredom, caused the most disruption in it. And I think I've experienced that in my own family and I've seen that in so many other parents and friends of like, what's actually happening here is that they just aren't able to do the thing you wish they could do. So instead of just again throwing your hands up or mislabeling it or assigning other motive and intent or catastrophizing removing [00:59:56] Speaker A: your support because you think they need that in order to figure it out. [01:00:00] Speaker B: Yeah. Actually you need to move towards them and go ahead in your own mind and say, my long term goal here is the ability for them to self. I really appreciate you bringing in regulation. That's the essence of what's going on beneath the behavior. Right. So if you can start pulling that into your own logical brain and be like that's a goal. But it isn't my current. So how am I gonna walk with this particular child toward that end? And you're gonna have to probably up your support instead of removing your presence because we probably have some ulterior motives there too. Look, we could talk about that on a whole episode. Why do we want our kids to be able to be okay with boredom and self entertain so that we can go do whatever it is we need to go do and that's okay. I'm not judging that. We all have other responsibilities. We just do. We have to keep our homes running and our lives moving forward. So it's good and easier if the kid can self entertain themselves. But for those that just cannot, it just poses a contradiction. And I would encourage you to try to swap into your logical brain, see it with new vision and kind of come up with a scaffolded plan instead of just feeling disappointed and discouraged and flustered and maybe behavior is escalating. [01:01:29] Speaker A: Maybe or probably I even just think about the way kids use the term bored. I'm bored. It means so many things. [01:01:38] Speaker B: Oh my gosh, Jesse. [01:01:39] Speaker A: It means I need sensory stimulation. It means I'm hungry. It means I'm thirsty. It means I need a. Yeah, yeah, right. There's so many things. [01:01:49] Speaker B: Nervous. It means I'm anxious. It means I'm sad. It means it's especially. I don't feel comfortable in my own brain thinking my own thoughts. It can mean so many things. [01:02:00] Speaker A: Right. I'm thinking about that one of the new characters in the Inside Out 2 movie. But I don't say her name. Right. On. On Lee. [01:02:10] Speaker B: It's on. We and It's a he. Yeah. On we. Yeah. And he's just so. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. [01:02:17] Speaker A: But it's like one of those melancholy kind of. [01:02:19] Speaker B: So melancholy. Yeah. [01:02:21] Speaker A: Yes. But in part of it is like the cool factor. It's cool to be bored. So does it even mean anything anyways? It can mean so many things. I appreciate you bringing that up. Guys. We're going to make it through the summer. It's parenting. I think the. I think maybe one of the reasons I feel like I've got to survive summer is because I feel like I have to survive parenting, [01:02:49] Speaker B: you know? Yeah. [01:02:52] Speaker A: Just a lot on us. [01:02:54] Speaker B: It is, it is. [01:02:55] Speaker A: And like, you can do it. We can do it. We're doing it and you can do it together. I just. No matter what your you're seeing, no matter what ideas you're going to take and use or whether you're going to bypass all of them, I hope that you will know that. The point is you have an opportunity to give connection this summer as you do in all seasons. And so what will that look like for you? What will that look like in your family? [01:03:28] Speaker B: I think my little takeaway for that, Jesse, is like, it always comes back to balance and nurture and structure in response to the dynamics at play. Well, you know, and every family is different. So connection and a summer that you can look back on and be like, oh, we didn't just survive that. Maybe we thrived a little bit. Maybe there were some moments that marked that as something kind of special. Is that beautiful dance between nurture and structure. And summer is a great time to practice for you, too. Yeah. [01:04:07] Speaker A: Well, here's to all of us as we continue to find that dance in the summertime months. I wish you so much watermelon. Or if that makes you want to barf, I wish you the summer fruit that. That brings you joy. [01:04:22] Speaker B: That's right. That's right, Peaches. And I wish you libraries and swimming pools. [01:04:26] Speaker A: That's right, watermelons. Carry on, friends. You're doing great. We'll talk to you next time. Well, as we wrap up, I want to let you know about the Empowered to Connect Summer Survival Kit. We mentioned this in the episode. It's a free print ready bundle. It has five tools to help your family have a calmer, more connected summer. Just a little bit more structure. If you're looking for it, I believe there's a daily schedule, there's a reading tracker, there's a bucket list, a responsibility chart, and I think even a summer goals sheet. Like I mentioned in the podcast episode. I know that's a lot of charts, and so you may not want to use every single one of them. Or you might be like, every single one of these does meet a need in my home. So print them. You can laminate them if you want, make them yours. And if you're Interested, head to EmpoweredToConnect Shop and grab the whole kit free right now. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If you're interested in learning more, head to empoweredtoconnect.org for our library of resources, thank you to Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio, and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at etc, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empowered to Connect podcast. In the meantime, let's hold on to hope together. Sam.