Carpool Q&A [E5]: Take Care of Yourself!

[00:00:10] Speaker A: Welcome to carpool. Q a we're going to give you one conversation around one topic to get you from point a to point b today. And so it's my turn to throw out a question today. So Becca and Tana are with us, and the question I want to throw out, and maybe this will be per. When this is airing, it's going to be holiday season ish. And there is so much family time happening, just so very much. There's so much family time. So my question is, how can we, without sacrificing our kids and our relationships in the process, find ways during these busy seasons, like holiday time, school is out, whatever, to recharge and get what we need as humans, as parents? So I always hesitate, use the word self care, especially as a dude, because the connotation as we talked about before is always like, how can I find self care? And the conversation seems so dainty and just soft, delicate. How can I just fight for my knees? Really? I think of like to put it in a sports example, it's John Morant or Desmond Bay. In the fourth quarter, they've already played 40 minutes. They're heaving, and they've got to find a way to play four more hard minutes. Can they get a rest? Can they get a few minutes on the bench to catch a breath and get something to drink before they get back out? So how can we find. Find that for us as we go throughout busy seasons? [00:01:45] Speaker B: I just want to make sure it is okay for me to be like, I really want baby needs. That still is okay, right, Janie? Yeah. [00:01:57] Speaker A: That conversation has. [00:01:58] Speaker B: I know. I hear that it actually feels that way a little bit to me, too. I can receive sort of that coaching. It hits me a little sideways sometimes, and I think my first thought is that I saw not to go straight to a little meme, but it was some little TikTok something, and it was a mom who had all these things to do, and like somebody said, you don't have to do it all. And then it probably had some explicit word that was like, well, if I don't, who the blank will? And it's that idea, to your point, of, like, they have to go back out on the court and keep playing. We actually do have to get Christmas gifts under the tree, if that's your thing, or the yummy Christmas meal on the table, if that's your thing, or the people are coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. There's just things that do have to get done. So I appreciate the question because I think it gives us permission to be curious about how do we do that in small chunks or with some intentionality? So I appreciate this question. And it's very timely. [00:03:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:03:03] Speaker B: Because none of us are probably going on, like, solo vacations right now. Most of us. Most of us are not getting away. [00:03:10] Speaker C: For creek in the woods at the. [00:03:12] Speaker B: Beach between now and January. So that isn't the answer. The answer is probably not a solo sabbatical. [00:03:21] Speaker A: Now, we should pause and say that. [00:03:24] Speaker B: Is okay to that off. More power to you. [00:03:30] Speaker A: 100%. Do that if you can pull that off. [00:03:33] Speaker B: Fair. [00:03:33] Speaker A: But the question did give the caveat of without sacrificing your relationship with your people that you're thinking. [00:03:42] Speaker B: I have lots of thoughts, but I. [00:03:44] Speaker C: Think the first one is like, you have to know yourself. So we get into these moments and we don't think at all ahead, and we don't reflect back. And then we're right there in the middle of it. We're frustrated, we're annoyed, we're exhausted. We notice it when it's too late. So know yourself and think about, okay, this holiday party at my kids school is going to bring me so much life. That's my favorite thing of the week. And I am actually really looking forward to that. Or this is going to make me pull my hair out and I need to stop at my favorite coffee shop on the way in and get my favorite coffee to help me. And I need to plan afterwards to go do something I enjoy, because that is a chore. But if you don't know yourself, you're just in the moment and it's going to hit you. And I used the program, but it could be the dinner that you have, or it could be the special meal that you're going to make, or the game that everyone plays. Like, think about your time. Know yourself. Which parts of that do you need to wrap a little bit of self care around proactively? Like, think ahead just a little. [00:04:53] Speaker B: This is JD. Just hang with me a. Just hold. Hold tight. Don't give up on me here. JD. What just came to my mind. I'm so glad we're not in the same room together because you'd probably be like, what is. Look for the glimmers. Even say that while looking. I'm just going to talk to Becca right now. I'm not looking at JD's face. Okay. Look for the glimmers. Which I know. Okay, so dainty. Which is a very dainty concept, but. [00:05:22] Speaker A: It is twinkling star music. I know. [00:05:27] Speaker B: I apologize before I said it. It is the idea of when things are going awry and are hard and you just have to trudge through what is the thing that it's like stop and smell the roses, which I know is like such know, whatever, but truly like that half a minute pause, just like a moment of appreciation, know, a moment of deep breathing or a moment to just. You said it, Becca. Like treat yourself to the really yummy creamer in the morning, but don't just guzzle it. Like take a minute, savor and notice it. And sometimes that's all I can do. I literally can only get through the holiday season by deep breathing and trying to find a few things to notice, name and appreciate in the middle of the hustle and bustle. And I have come to call them glimmers, as little moments of light and hope and twinkles. What would you call those? JD give us a very masculine interpretation of. [00:06:42] Speaker A: The what are the many think. You know, for me, one of the things that I had to realize, and this is where we are just like Becky, you said it like, you have to know yourself. So Elizabeth and mean, she's my best friend. We love hanging out together. We love doing stuff. We generally, when we go on vacations, it's just like exploring together and going. So we do a ton of stuff the same way or together. We enjoy doing a lot of the same things. This particular area, I don't know if we could be more different. And this is the seven in me. Enneagram seven in me. I will forever to my dying day, which will probably sooner because of what I'm about to say, sacrifice, sleep to do something. So if I know for like, we'll be visiting with my family around thanksgiving this year and they live in a really beautiful part of the country. They live in Asheville, in the Smokies. And so I love the mountains. The mountains are my favorite. So what I'm going to plan to do then is kind of negotiate with Elizabeth. Like, hey, tomorrow morning, if I can get everything set out in advance the night before so I can get quiet, not waking by up on my way out, I'm going to go at 05:00 a.m. And go drive down the street to this trail and I'm going to go either ride or run before sunrise and kind of get to see the sunrise while I'm out, ride my bike through the woods or running, whatever. And it's accomplishing several different things. Like one, I just have a second. So if there's a dumb podcast I want to listen to that has no intrinsic making me better value to it, but it's entertaining, it's funny or whatever, then I'm going to listen to that while I'm doing that. But I'm also getting to move my body a little bit, which is getting my brain going, get my body moving for the day. So when I get back, I've already been up, I've had some time to myself to kind of wake up and I've exercised. So all the chemical benefits of that are just flowing. And when I get back, then I'm back on my time and I'm ready to engage instead of if I'm there and I get woken up at a time that is not acceptable to me yet or whatever, it can start off so much different. So, Elizabeth, to contrast that is going to then say, well, to negotiate on my side. Like, tomorrow morning, you take that same approach and go upstairs with all the kids, and I'm going to sleep as low as I want down here. So it doesn't always work perfectly for either of us, but we try to fight for those little needs where we can. And if it's for her cashing out early and going to bed earlier so she can sleep longer, or if it's her sleeping in me getting out early, whatever, we kind of found those little things that we can do. [00:09:25] Speaker B: Those glimmers, they're called glimmers, JD. [00:09:27] Speaker A: Little explosions here. [00:09:30] Speaker B: They're called glimmers. I'm sorry, there's no other word. So you found those glimmers in your day that make it so much better. [00:09:38] Speaker C: That does take it to the next level, though, Tana. Like, if you don't notice it, like, JD, if you just like, this is just what I'm doing. But if you're not pausing and like, no, this is what I'm doing because Liz is investing in me and this is something that she's helping me do and it's something I'm going to enjoy. You could just be like, I go running every morning, so I'm going to keep going running every morning, or I've. [00:09:59] Speaker A: Got to train for this thing coming up. [00:10:01] Speaker C: Yeah, or you can look for, like, it could be, well, you have to obviously feed people, so we have to feed them today. Or it could be, oh, I wanted to try this new way of making XYZ. Or like, I found a new banana bread recipe. So, yes, I have to feed the people. I want to do it a little bit of a fun way. People talk themselves out of self care because they have these big elaborate things in mind. Like a whole day off to do all the things I want and to have lots of those things are cost prohibitive and time prohibitive. So if we can do what Tana's saying and look for the little glimmers. [00:10:34] Speaker B: Sorry, JD, but if we can look. [00:10:37] Speaker C: For those little moments in the things that we're already doing, self care doesn't have to be this elaborate thing. It can be those little, you know, yourself, you know, what's going to make you feel energized, you know, sleeping in is going to make her feel energized. I don't know. I think it's a great layer to add. [00:10:56] Speaker B: My thought is coming. It's play personalities. So when things are busy and you're tired and overwhelmed, how can you play? Knowing what gives you life, what restores you, what small thing you could do that might repay your mind and body and heart and soul tenfold over is probably going to be somewhere aligned in your play personalities, which we have many podcasts on and episodes, so you can go find those. I think we have a video on YouTube about Dr. Stuart Brown's play personalities. That might be an interesting thing to dive into, because if I'm doing the thing that really is the way I'm naturally wired, even if on the outside people would think that that was more effort out, it's actually paying me back in dividends. So I'm finding a moment of rest and self care and pleasure and delight and doing the thing I'm naturally wired to do. So everybody's really so unique in this, right? [00:11:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, go ahead, Becca. [00:12:00] Speaker C: Well, just really quick on that play personality note, too. One quick example, my family loves to play games. Sitting around the table. We're playing card games, we're playing board games, we're playing games. My husband does not enjoy that. So part of his self care is he's in the room with us and he's engaged with conversation. He's not going to play the game. And me forcing him to play the game doesn't benefit anyone. It's only downhill. So also self care can be. What's the compromise? He made a compromise like, yeah, I'm going to be in the living room with everybody and I'll be around and we'll be talking, but no. Part of me wants to play phase ten. I would rather leave this house altogether. And so instead of playing phase ten, he's adjacent to us. So I think, Tana, what you're saying about play personalities really does feed into self care around this time of year because you're having to negotiate those little moments and then. [00:13:25] Speaker A: Moments where there is something spectacular that you can take away from where you're at. Sometimes it's a sunrise, and sometimes you have to really look for it. So it might be a nuance in a tree, like this tree has some kind of thing you've never seen before, or maybe it is a way that one of your kids makes a face or something, but the idea is the same. We're trying to notice things that are special, that can remind us of the beauty that exists in life and the uniqueness of it. And then if we can train ourselves in that, when we intentionally kind of take these times or time away, it can help us then to refuel a little faster to find these little moments or snapshots of glory or glimmer or whatever. That last time I was riding in North Carolina, I got chased by a pit bull, which is not great, but in trying to get away from it on my bike, I ended up going on a little trail to a river. And I had never been to that river before. And it was like something out of a movie, just like a beautiful, peaceful kind of mountain river. And I sat there for like 30 minutes and it was 30 minutes out of the whole entire day. And I cut the ride short, all that, but got back full energy just getting to sit by river for a few minutes. Yeah. Give yourself what you need. Take care of yourself. And don't think. Like Becca said, to use a college analogy, you might not have enough money to fill up the whole tank of gas, right? You might only have $5 to fill up, which can get you through today. Now that would not in modern times get you through today, but you might have to only put an 8th of a tank in today, right? But if you can find little moments to put $5 of gas in here, $5 of gas in there, do it. Most of us are going to be running between a quarter and empty throughout the holiday season. And so find times when you can to pop a little gas in tank so that you're not running on empty for your people. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Can I give you all, I'll make it concise. A little story. Last night I was tired. We were at the end of the evening, we were bathed up and in pajamas and the kids were tired and we needed to be in bed. And we still had a little studying to do. And I was done. I was just toast and done. And our two youngest, they're the same age and they're just like this fun. Sometimes when they were little, they would like wrestle and body slam. And that always reminded me of like a couple of little kittens or puppies that were just playing real rough together in a really innocent way. The sweetest thing ever. Like, I have so many videos of them when they were little. They would hold each other and spin and cackle and laugh and giggle and fall down and be like, again. And they'd get up and they would do it. It's just been something they've done since they were very little last night. Now they're eleven, okay? They're on the floor in my bedroom just tussling and rustling and flipping each other. And I'm like, guys, please. I think I asked you to brush your teeth, like five times. I was just done. I was, like, wanting them to go to bed. I mean, I think I said their nighttime prayers in my room over them while they were wrestling. I was done, y'all. I was done. And I just felt myself getting so frustrated. And then I just took two steps outside of myself and looked down at them and exhaled and allowed all of those memories of when they were little and tussling like that to flood back. And before I knew it, I was, like, tearing up and soaking them. It was. That was my glimmer. I was just like, tana, take a deep breath. They are being so cute, right? Like, just rest in the. And that. That's it. I could have missed. And like, instead I got emotional and delighted in them and thought they were cute and tickled them to separate and sent them off to bed with giggles instead of tears. Do you know what I mean? So that was self care to me. Like, I took care of myself by stepping outside the moment and just delighting in it. And they really are the cutest when they do that. [00:17:38] Speaker C: It is so adorable. [00:17:40] Speaker B: The cutest thing. It literally is the cutest thing I've ever seen. [00:17:43] Speaker A: You said this just now, but I think my closing thought here is that takes work. It's hard. So the thought of getting rest or recharging, typically, we think about relaxing, and sometimes that is what we're doing. But it takes some intentional discipline on your part to make yourself step out. [00:18:06] Speaker B: Take a deep breath and enjoy. Agreed. [00:18:08] Speaker A: Especially if it's not something for me, if it's not something fun, if I'm having to take a step back like what you're talking about, that's a discipline. And it's hard for me to do that, especially if I'm so close to getting a few minutes by myself at bedtime. [00:18:24] Speaker B: Yeah, I had like, an episode of the Golden Bachelor. I was trying to get up, caught up. I was real ready for them to get in bed so Mama could stream a minute of Hulu. So I'm not even going to pretend I wasn't. But anyway, it's a great. [00:18:39] Speaker C: We're. We're fighting for. That's my closing thought. We fight for self care ideals. And those are fine to fight for. To talk with your family about, to make plans. Make a plan to be able to go binge your show. But also, don't miss out on the moments in the moment where you can find those little things. Get your favorite creamer. Like, silly things, like Terry's chocolate oranges. They come out this time of year. I like them. [00:19:06] Speaker B: That's silly. [00:19:07] Speaker C: I get one every year. Like, get the thing. [00:19:10] Speaker B: Get the. Terry's chocolate orange. [00:19:12] Speaker C: Get the creamer. [00:19:12] Speaker B: Like, do the little Starbucks bag of Christmas coffee that I've bought myself every year. Yes. It came out. And I buy myself the same Yankee candle cookie candle, and I save it and burn it in. Like, there's the rituals and rhythms, too, that sometimes can sustain and take care of us, too. So find your. [00:19:35] Speaker A: Yep. Good guys. Thank y'all. For Tana, for Becca. I'm JD. We'll see you next week on carpool karaoke. No. Carpool. [00:19:44] Speaker B: Q a in there, JD. Okay, y'all just caught it. This is it. It's saying, JD wants to call this my. [00:19:54] Speaker C: Like, your rendition of Jingle Bells. [00:19:58] Speaker B: This is amazing. Do not edit that, JD. This. The people that listen to this whole episode. Get that treasure right there. That's it. Well, on this episode of Carpool Karaoke. [00:20:08] Speaker A: Merry Christmas to all of you. [00:20:11] Speaker B: Amazing. [00:20:12] Speaker A: Jeez. All right, well, thanks. Bye. [00:20:19] Speaker C: Leave it.