[E228] The Midyear Reset: Supporting Kids in the Second Half of the School Year

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:04] Speaker B: To the Empowered to Connect podcast where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Hi everyone. We are here Today with Becca McKay and Rachel Peterman and excited to talk about what happens when we start the next half of the school year. You know, you've had your back to school, you've gotten all the uniforms and clothes that you're supposed to get and all the supplies. Now everything's a hot mess, isn't it? You know, you go back to school after the holidays and it's quite different and there might need to be some adjustments made. So we thought we'd talk about it. Guys, I would love for you guys to tell us your intersection with schools and the school world, the academic world. [00:00:57] Speaker A: Okay, I can go first. I am Rachel Peterman. I have a PhD in school psychology. So I worked as a school psychologist for a couple of years here in Memphis and surrounding areas. And then I've done some work with some programming in schools supporting kiddos through, in the, in the same district, just through some ancillary services and helping meet their needs in other ways like with counselors and such. So that is main kind of intersection there. I've also got three kiddos in high school and one in high school and two in elementary. So I've been through middle school already once. Not looking forward to doing it again twice, but we'll talk about that later. So I've had some experience at all of the different age and grade levels. [00:01:58] Speaker C: I'm Becca McKay. I have talked about it quite a bit on the podcast over the years, but I have worked in schools in a couple of different capacities for several years, primarily in social work counseling roles. And then for a brief period of time I served in kind of a behavioral support role as a dean and so just kind of helping kids cope with the socio emotional side of what school brings and all those different peer relationships and challenges with academics sometimes and sometimes helping parents navigate the systems that are in place at schools. So definitely love school. And I think it's just, it's such an interesting part of society where our kids spend so much of their waking hours. So I just think it's important as parents, educators, whoever you are in a child's life, school is going to have a lot of their time during the day. So it's important to think about and process. [00:02:55] Speaker B: Yes. So thank you guys for humoring me. I know that you know Dr. Peterman and you know Becca, who's often on the podcast. We've had Rachel on a number of times as well. But you may not have known there the way that they have served in schools in the past. So I thought that your expertise needed to be brought to light in light of this conversation. And Becca, I'm going to brag on you a little bit more for a second. You also serve as a professor in the college scene as well. So she teaches social work. And so it's not, I'm going to guess you can correct me, but it's probably not just littles and teenagers that need support with school sometimes. [00:03:41] Speaker C: That is so true. [00:03:42] Speaker B: Sometimes our young adults need a little adjusting for second semester, I would imagine. [00:03:47] Speaker C: Yeah. Even currently teaching some graduate level students. And so it doesn't stop whether you're getting your master's, your undergrad or your high school or you're in fifth grade or second grade. You need to kind of rethink things at this point in the year. [00:04:02] Speaker B: That's right. Well, let's jump in. I would love to know a little bit. We were discussing kind of the lanes we might run in within this episode and we we've got two big buckets that we want to kind of think about today. One is outside of school hours and one is inside of school hours. So let's tackle outside of school hours first. Tell me a little bit about what we could be even assessing and thinking about as we think about heading back to school in terms of how things are going at home. [00:04:36] Speaker C: We talk about this all the time, but just taking a moment to pause and think, like just give yourself 30 minutes where you can just sit and go, how are things going? What is driving me crazy day to day? Like what are the things that I'm frustrated with every morning? I'm saying the same lecture or I'm feeling the same annoyance or fill in the blank. And so I think when we're thinking about outside of school, those, those transitions, getting to school, picking up from school, something that we want to think about is what are those pain points. So maybe you are a pre K parent and your kiddo, it's the end of the end of the first semester and they're still just having a real hard time getting out of the car in the morning. So that would be like a transition that might need some extra tlc or maybe you've got a high schooler, they're sleeping through their alarm and so you're constantly having to rush through the morning, get ready process. So kind of thinking through those pain points for your family, think about your kids individually if you can, because Sometimes you're going to have very different experiences of the morning or afternoon, depending on the kid in front of you. But those are some of the first things that pop to mind. I wonder what comes up for you, Rach. [00:05:51] Speaker A: I can relate to all of those things. So, yes, my first thought was clothing, and we were talking about this a little bit earlier as well. But my youngest, that is often our challenge is getting her outfits. Doesn't matter if we picked him out the night before or not. It's still a challenge. So learning to kind of add that extra time in. But I know when we go back after break, it's so different because we have all this time where we don't have to be in a hurry and we don't have to be so true. Rushing out the door at a certain time. So I kind of forget about it. Like, I'm thinking about it right now because it's the end and they're all wearing different outfits because the schools want us to wear different outfits every day for school in December. But. [00:06:40] Speaker B: Oh, you're doing the themes. [00:06:42] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:06:43] Speaker B: Oh, that's so fun. [00:06:46] Speaker A: But I'll forget about it and then we'll be getting ready to go back to school, and I won't be thinking about how challenging it is to get out the door on time if I didn't do X, Y and Z on the front end. [00:06:59] Speaker C: So. [00:06:59] Speaker A: So I definitely thought about that. The other thing I kept thinking about was even just the amount of time we might be spending with our kids over the holidays and just the activity level and all the things. And then to go back to school where they're away from us all day, where they have very different expectations on them and just kind of that shift of what they are experiencing. I'm not saying I have the answer for that, but that came to mind as we were talking about it. The very practical, but also that big shift of they're going to be doing something very different. And I think just being able to prepare for that and know that that's happening on the front end and having a little extra grace for. For those challenges when they go back to higher structure like that. [00:07:50] Speaker B: Yeah, I really appreciate those perspectives. We forget what it's going to feel like when sometimes it takes us by surprise when we're headed back to school in January and it's like, whoa, I had not prepared for this. So even just thinking through that can be helpful. I'm hearing about a lot of you guys. Know, I love to be intentional and thoughtful, and so I very much value that idea of thinking ahead, of looking back and thinking ahead of where are the pain points? What might I anticipate being a pain point? That's what I heard from each of you sharing. And I very much identify with those pain points that were mentioned. It was like, oh, yeah. I mean, even right now, I think in December, in these last few weeks of school, I'm just like kind of hanging on and maybe the rest of you are too. It's like, you know, we're just doing whatever we can do to get through to the end, you know, oh, fine. If you want to just throw, throw those marshmallows in for your lunch and only the marshmallows. Okay, whatever. I'll make sure I feed you a good dinner. You know, it's like, what's going in those lunches? I don't know. I'll worry about it in January. But when we talk about worrying about it in January, what are some changes that we can make? I'd love some real practical ideas. Like let's start with before school. If things are getting bumpy with the before school routine, what are some adjustments that you guys either have made or would recommend making? Even just some really simple shifts or ideas. [00:09:23] Speaker C: Something life changing that someone said in a conference I went to years ago was getting ready for. Like your wake up routine starts at bedtime. So I think the very first thing is rethinking your family's end of the day routine. How is everyone winding down to get to sleep on time so that whatever time you need to wake up in the morning to get everything done, to give time, maybe you've got a slow mover. And so instead of just constantly shouting at the slow mover to hurry up, what if we give the slow mover more time to get through their process? So I think extending the amount of time and I, you know, there's only 24 hours in a day. So I, to me, the, the most helpful way to do that is really to think about your family's bedtime routine, including yourself. Because if you're kind of fighting to wake up in the morning to get them up, that's going to be where it starts. But if you can find the right amount of time that it takes your slow movers and your quick movers to get ready and you can work backwards, like start there and think through, okay, is there anything we could do the night before to get ready? Like is it packing lunches, is it sett out clothes? Like Rachel said, that's not going to completely solve all the issues of getting ready in the morning. But if there is anything you can do, pack the backpack, any of those small things, it might take you 30 seconds. But 30 seconds at nighttime, when you're winding down and the. The evening is in front of you feels very different from 30 seconds of we are 10 minutes late already. Everybody move. Like those 30 seconds can feel a little different. [00:10:59] Speaker B: It's true. [00:11:00] Speaker A: Definitely. I think I love that all of that makes me think about having a visual support a lot of times for us, too, because there are so many things we're carrying such a mental load. Right. All the pieces, Becca, you were listing them all off, and I was trying to think, okay, what is she missing? I wasn't even sure. And I thought about my kids iPads and they have to go to school and did they get charged? And there's just so many things to keep up with. The more kids you have. That's, you know, we're multiplying it out. So sometimes just having a list both for you and for them to check off and do we do this and what can you do the night before? What can you do the day of? I think is definitely a way to maybe, like, a very practical way to support that. You can make it fun. I also think, knowing. I love what you said, Jesse, about, like, thinking about it, like, reflecting back and being intentional and noticing where they're struggling now so that you can kind of make a mental note to give the extra support when you go back. You may not have it in you to give a ton of extra support. We're throwing marshmallows and lunchboxes at my house, too. Like, I'm all about it. I don't know what they have for lunch today, but can we notice those things and notice what they do well, especially when you're on break or they're on break, kind of. What are some of their natural rhythms to try to help capitalize on that? If they're really good at plugging the things in, but they never remember to put them in their bag or they're, you know, they always remember to put it in their bag. They just forgot to plug it in every night. So just noticing that kind of stuff, I think is helpful. [00:12:48] Speaker C: I think the second part of this kind of getting ready in the morning, getting to school is, man, and this is like, please receive this with no shame or embarrassment or feelings of like, yeah, but what I've seen with family members, friends, parents that I've worked with over the years, a lot of times we want kids to be so independent and they need us. They need us to be with right there with them, checking the backpack for the last little check before we head out the door. Even if they've got the printed checklist, they need us to look at, look through it one time with them. And that can be really hard to acknowledge as a parent, that they need more of our attention and time than we wish that they did. But, and I'm talking about, guys, you may have a high schooler, and they may need you to just run through that list with him one more time. You need to get to know your kid, and it's great to work towards independence, but if we thrust that on him too quick, we're going to end up getting frustrated because they forgot xyz. Or why didn't you pack your trumpet for band? You know you have band on Tuesdays. They know they have band on Tuesdays. That doesn't mean that at six in the morning, they're remembering, today is Tuesday today. I need my trumpet today. It needs to. It doesn't mean that they're putting all those pieces together. So it is a lot on us, Rachel, as parents. I think maybe particularly some of us that are moms holding that mental load of, you are remembering your own list and you're remembering the high schoolers and the middle schoolers and the elementary kids, and you're remembering trumpet as Tuesdays. And it is a lot. So if you can help yourself. But also I would just encourage you, some of this is going to be putting yourself in the room with your kids during this time period. I just think that. That it is an expectation thing. If we can flip our expectations, that's how we get to help them build independence versus we have to keep constantly reminding you. [00:14:46] Speaker B: I mean, I think that's a good point because. And I appreciated that you set our expectations even before you said that, because I was like, oh, Becca. No, but that is the thing. Like, I would love to be able to just come downstairs, grab the keys and be like, all right, let's go. And no, no. Kids need support. Kids need help. And I think the thing that comes to mind when I'm. When I'm readjusting my expectations about that is would I rather them perfectly do this morning routine the way that I think they should be able to yesterday, or would I like to have smoother mornings? And I think as we talk about balancing nurture and structure and as we talk about scaffolding so often on this podcast, it's. It's like, we're not going to let one Slide for the other. Yes, they can keep learning responsibility. They can. We can keep scaffolding growth and like, the goal today is a smoother morning. So how can we set our kids up for success? How can we set ourselves up for success? So I appreciate thinking through those things, whether it's what time I'm going to bed, what time I'm waking up, what time I'm waking the child up, or having them wake themselves up. [00:16:05] Speaker C: And then I think, you know, this has been a lot of thinking about at home. What can we do? If you've got a kid who really struggles with the physical transition of getting out the car and in the building, that is a great opportunity to reach out to your school team. Reach out to the principal or the teacher or the counselor, because for that kid, some things that they might need, they might need a warm handoff. They might need to know that Ms. So and so is going to be waiting for them to walk them to class. They might need an exception. Maybe your school does not allow parents to walk in, but maybe they need you to walk them to the front door. Or you might just need to problem solve with your school team. Hey, I know you guys have, fill in the blank, 700 students coming in in the mornings. I know it's a lot. Sally has been really struggling. Can we work together to find a way for you guys to step in and help me help her? So I think that that's kind of another. Sometimes it just turns into power struggle. And so what we're doing is we're just. We're feeling stressed. We're in the car line, the kid's not getting out of the car, we're getting embarrassed. So we end up being really, like, harsh or blunt. And then we're pushing our kid out and they're starting the day kind of on a bad foot. So if we can smooth the transition to our car or to the school bus or to the mode of transportation, then if we can smooth the transition between the mode of transportation and the school, I think that's the next kind of thing that I would think about. And your school team has people, even if they're understaffed, which many of them are. So be kind. I always say, say thank you a lot, be gracious, be understanding that they've got 700 kids, but they can do a lot to help if you can collaborate with them. [00:17:44] Speaker A: I really love that. I also think two things about that. One is if you've noticed that coming back after break, this is a great time to start a new routine. Right. Like fresh start. We talk about resetting, right? Let's reset. Let's figure out a new way to do this. It doesn't have to be the same as the old way that wasn't working. The other thing is they maybe were doing just fine. And you notice the first couple days of school going back, they're really struggling. And it's okay because we know that that's this major shift, right, that they've gone through and they might need some extra support getting back into these routines again. So don't be surprised if they kind of backslide a little bit with things you felt like you'd already done. Right? Oh, I don't get it. This was fine in December. Why is this an issue now? It could be related to all of those changes. [00:18:43] Speaker B: Those are great things to think about. I'm thinking about even just at our own home, some things that we have been trying to adjust. And I'm looking forward to the reset in January of like, it's hard to start something in December and shout out to lazy genius. I just saw an inspirational word from her on social media about December's not the time to start a new system. And she repeated it like three times. And it was, for me, December is not the time to start a new system. It was like, no, we are just, we're in a little bit of like, close it up survival mode. Let's wrap it up end of the year. But January is a great time to fine tune or make adjustments. And so I appreciate being able to think about that. If you have older kids and even if you have elementary age kids with the right type of thinking, I would encourage you to even talk about this with them. I think that has really, that has really helped kind of set this collaborative dynamic in my relationship with my kids. When it comes to pain points like this, to be able to, I mean, I don't know what your family dynamic is like, listener, but maybe you guys, you know, have family meetings or you sit at the dinner table and you can talk about something, or maybe you want to, like, do it in the car on the way home from school while one on one with a, with a kid. But just being able to say, hey, I don't love the way that mornings feel. What. What do you think about that? Do you like it? You know, and they're either going to say, yeah, it's fine, or they're going to say, no, you yell at me all the time. Or I don't like it because I'm always rushed or to be able to collaborate with a kid and problem solve together I think is really empowering. And sometimes my kids have ideas that. Sometimes their ideas are not my favorite, but sometimes they have ideas I hadn't thought of and are actually a pretty good idea. Or I'll learn something about them that I hadn't taken into account. Let me give an example. Our. Our end of day routine, getting ready in the morning. And Becca, I appreciate that you kind of mashed those together because they are related. We were just forgetting things left and right. You know, we're forgetting the clarinet at home, and we're forgetting that we were supposed to finish homework and we were forgetting this and that. And so forgetting is like such a huge issue because then there are so many. There are so many subcategories of that. Like, we're forgetting homework assignments, we're forgetting what we're supposed to put in the backpack. You know, like, we're forgetting what we're supposed to take out of the backpack. We're forgetting what we're supposed to put in the backpack. We're forgetting, you know, all the things. We're forgetting our lunch at home, we're forgetting to wear gloves or a coat. All the things. So I talked about it with this kiddo that was especially struggling, and we decided to list all the things that have to be done on index cards. And we have a shoe organizer on the back of our laundry drawer in our kitchen. And so we can put those cards in there. We keep packs of gum and gloves and stuff like that in there. And in the evenings, well, after she gets home from school, we pull out those cards. And what I learned about her is that she wanted the autonomy to decide when she was going to do things. She's not a baby anymore. She wants to. You know, I've got older kids now, and they want to be recognized as older kids, which I wanted that too when I was a teenager. So she gets to decide, am I doing this tonight or am I doing this tomorrow morning? And she puts it in the order she's gonna do it. And that way she's got a visual reminder, to your point, Rachel, of, like, sometimes we need something visual, but it's dynamic in that she can change the order of it based on how she feels. She can do it in the night one day and do it the next morning the next time, so it doesn't have to be so structured that there's no wiggle room for her. So that was a solution that we've come up with. It's not working great in December because again, the new system, but I think to be able to like restart January with that part of our routine, that's going to be a really valuable thing for us. Let's talk a little bit about during school and when we think about adjustments that might need to be made at school, we've got kind of these different things going on. It could be the relationship with the teacher. How has that gone first semester? Do you wish for anything different to be happening in the second half of school? Maybe communication or the way certain behaviors are being handled or, you know, I'm sure that you guys have other examples, but that would be one area. Let's talk about that first, then we can talk about the other, the other categories. What would you guys recommend for, you know, if we're, if we're wanting to make adjustments in the teacher relationship. [00:24:01] Speaker C: Hopefully at this point in the semester, you know, if your kid has a good relationship with their teacher. So if not, get curious, ask questions, because it really does matter. It impacts their experience at school, it impacts how they're going to feel about school. And not to be dramatic, but if you're talking about teenagers, young adults, it can impact how they feel about themselves, their identity. So remember that in many schools, it's not just one teacher. I think we kind of grew up in a world where at least in elementary school I had like a fifth grade teacher that taught everything. A lot of schools are not doing it that way anymore. So ask questions, get to know how your school is and how many adults are we talking about. Hopefully at this point, you know, kind of your positive relationships and your pain points. Maybe it's a PE teacher that you're having a tough time with or your high school math teacher is giving your kiddo a little bit of a hard time. They're not sure how to navigate it. I think that it's really, really helpful. You said this earlier, Jesse, but to help coach your kid. So I think the first thing that I would always like to do is just sit down, even with a little kid, but especially as they get older and talk through how are you advocating for yourself? Are you communicating with respect what you need? Are you reaching out to the teacher in the ways that your school has set up to do that? In order to speak about it as a parent, use the systems that are in place, parent teacher conferences, the apps that school use, the messaging, the emails, use the communication structures that are in place so that you're not taking anyone off guard. But reach out to the teachers that your kid is having a hard time with and try to kind of put those puzzle pieces together. But I would say many parents, this is me speaking as a school professional, okay? So as a school professional, I have been on the receiving end of many an angry parent, okay? And I get it. [00:25:56] Speaker B: We've all been there. We've all been the angry parent. So it's okay. No shame. No shame. [00:26:02] Speaker C: I really get it. And I want you to remember that there are two sides to the story. Your kids experience may be a little different from the reality. There may be more going on. So if you haven't reached out to the teacher in question, find the appropriate way to do that when you do it, even if you are a level 10 mad, try to come in with curiosity. Hey, what do you. How, how are you feeling with my kiddo? What's going on? She's having a little trouble. Before you jump in, Mama bear, Papa bear, listen and kind of hear what's going on, and then you can help everyone problem solve because you're the expert on your kid. You really are. You know how they, you know better than anyone how they internalize things, how they're interpreting it. You can kind of help facilitate those conversations moving forward. It is. There is not a one size fits all approach. I know we say this every podcast. It's complex and nuanced. That could be our tagline. We could wear a T shirt. Just say it every time. It's complex and nuanced. [00:27:06] Speaker B: Should we put that on our logo Empowered to Connect podcast? It's complex and nuanced. [00:27:10] Speaker C: It's complex and nuanced. We're going to say it every time, but there's not one way to manage a stressful teacher child relationship. But it is important, I think, as parents to remember that it is a life skill to navigate different kinds of expectations. So you may have a kiddo who struggles with a strict teacher but loves the lax teacher, or vice versa. It is a life skill to be able to navigate that. And there's a threshold where it's. It's not okay. There's a threshold where, no, I'm not okay with my child being treated that way, spoken to that way. Reach out to the teacher first. This is coming from like a biblical model. Go to the person first. If that doesn't work, go to the administrator, the assistant principal, principal, whoever it is in your situation, and try to help facilitate a more positive relationship. Because positive relationships are the foundation. But if you find the adult is setting high expectations, but they're being warm and kind and your kid is having a hard Time coach your kid on how to meet those expectations. Does that make sense? I know I said a lot, but maybe I didn't say a lot. I don't know. I'm talking in circles a little bit here. [00:28:23] Speaker A: I think you hit on two points. One is that relationship with the teacher, right? If there's a relational challenge going on, that's one thing. And you're right. Like, our kids have to learn how to adapt to other adults and other people in situations that they may not love. There are going to be years they don't love their teacher. That's okay. We do want them to be successful. We want them to feel safe in school. So again, there's a line of, like, where that might go too far and. And nobody's perfect and we don't know everybody's history and. And we're all doing the. We can. Sometimes other people cross a line and it needs to be addressed as the parent, we're going to take care of our kids. Also, you started to say this kind of at the end, Becca, about the practical piece of, like, what are they really struggling with? So maybe it's relational. Or is it that they keep struggling to do a thing? They can't figure out the notes. They can't figure out thinking about my teen right now, even, and her struggles with, like, I don't. There's this assignment and it's not posted when I think it's going to be posted. And she's struggling to navigate even that teacher's teaching style and organizational approach and all of that. Again, it may not be what's ideal for your kid. We may even agree as parents that it's not what we would want to have or want them to have, but we gotta just help them figure out how to navigate it. So, okay, where is the exact challenge and if it's not receiving it, Figuring that out and learning how to say, it's okay if I miss that. Right? Like, it is okay to make a mistake. It is okay to not be 100% on it, even if you're like, yeah, but I know my kid can do this. Okay, this might be one of those situations with this particular teacher in this class for this reason, they have a missing assignment or two, and it won't be the end of the world. And I think that is even another skill for them to learn too. Like, it's okay if something like that happens. You did the best you could. But definitely some practical things we're all learning. [00:30:45] Speaker B: We're learning so many things by January of the school Year. Right. I'm hearing you guys say that some adjustments we could make are coaching our kid and how to go to the teacher and advocate for themselves. Whether it's saying, I didn't show up for that quiz the way that I expected to, could I have a redo, or I really want to get better about turning my homework in on time, can you help me? Or whatever it is. I think in the same spirit of collaborating as parents with kids, we can encourage our kids to make bids for collaboration with their teachers. Not everybody's going to be up for that, but I think the best experience my kids have had with teachers are when they've gone to advocate for themselves or to make a bid for collaboration and the teacher has accepted it and then dialogued with my kid to make their experience better. [00:31:49] Speaker A: I really love that, Jesse. And part of that kind of our role in that as parents might be to help the kids set those goals. What are those things? [00:32:01] Speaker B: What are you going to do if she says yes? What are you going to do if he says no? You know? Yeah. Talk through those scenarios with them. Yeah. It's such a complicated. [00:32:13] Speaker C: I think it's hard. It's hard for parents, which now that I am a parent, I can understand a little more than I ever did before. But it's hard as a parent because you are not there with them and so you're having to rely on other sources of information. Your kid, other siblings, other adults in the building, even. So, I think maybe zooming way out from this specific question, I would say as a parent who is sending their kid to school, finding people in that building that you can build trust with, adults that you as an adult can build trust with. And then when you've got the tougher, trickier relationships with teachers being positive, when you can, you know, like when you can say thank you for what you do for our kids, when you can say, I really appreciate, appreciated that email because I didn't know anything was going on. When you, when you can say thank you. I do. Every time we talk about schools want to highlight, our educators are understaffed, they're under resourced, they're juggling too much. And so they are kind of in a constant state of stress, many of them in many situations. And so when we need to address an issue, which we need to do, coming in with kindness can often get a better result than coming in hot. [00:33:30] Speaker B: And I think that we can coach our kids in that way too. Of like, listen, you know, there have been years that maybe we had a teacher that was A little more hot headed than other years and coaching the kid to be like, all right, how can you de escalate a situation? Like even our young kids can help kind of talk through like, hey, when Mrs. Or Mr. So and so say that, what do you think is the best way to respond? And just talking through that kind of thing. Or play, play acting with them, role playing with them to be able to kind of help coach them on de escalating situations. I think, you know, sometimes that's the best we can do for readjusting in a year. But best case scenario is you're getting off on a better foot for second semester and making, maybe making an adjustment, having, you know, having a different kind of conversation. Yeah, go ahead. [00:34:25] Speaker C: Can I share one specific example before we transition, which a kid and parent that I know somehow in this world, Kiddo was having a really hard time in PE and just every time I need to go to the nurse, my stomach hurts. Which we've talked about in other episodes of this podcast, how when you're nervous, that can come out physically, right? And so the PE teacher come to find out was doing nothing wrong. PE was just a hard class for the Kiddo. And PE teacher was very like, we're going to play dodgeball. Everybody line up. We're doing dodgeball. Kiddo was struggling to advocate for themselves. They were young, so they were constantly going to the nurse. The first question that I asked everyone involved was, what's our goal? Is our goal for this kid to participate in every single activity at PE perfectly with 100% attendance from now to the end of the year, or do we have a different goal? And that's where the conversation started. And that conversation was very helpful because it turned out that the PE teacher was like, if Kiddo needs to sit on the wall during these three games because they're too overwhelming, that's fine with me. But no one had said that. So everyone's operating under the assumption of we need 100% participation, even though nobody really thinks that that's what the kid needs. So I think just, just to give one. If you're struggling with a teacher, start the conversation with what's our goal? High school math is our goal, that this kid who's turning in nothing is going to get an A in the class? Or is our goal to help promote some type of work ethic and perseverance? Like what's our goal? And then work with the adults and your kid towards that goal? Because we, as we don't talk about it, we usually assume that the goal is perfection, which you already spoke to Jesse, that it's okay to make mistakes and it's okay not to be perfect. I just wanted to mention that that changed the whole conversation. And then we were able to talk about how to help the kid feel confident. And by the end of the year, the kid was participating in a lot more games because we shifted our, the way that we were approaching the situation. [00:36:30] Speaker B: I love that as a framework or a starting place. That's wonderful. I'm also hearing from both of you this idea that we don't just have to be on our kids side. We can kind of play the mediator between the adult teacher and our child. And that can be a really powerful position to be in. So there are some things that you guys have each said about even just the way we're interacting with the teachers and the questions we're asking and coming at it with curiosity that then allows us to be able to position ourselves in a place of mediating versus, you know, griping about or helicoptering or whatever else we might fear that we would run into. So good thoughts there. I think this slides a little bit into academics too. You know, Rachel, you were talking about it might be relational, it might be the teaching style, which was a really great point. There are going to be some teaching styles that just don't, you know, our kids, our kids have trouble with them and that can go along with the material that's being taught. What if our kiddo is really struggling academically in a course? Or even our younger kiddos with the content that's being presented? What adjustments can we make in the second half of the year? Is it too late? [00:37:56] Speaker A: Never too late, Jesse. Never. And the answer is, is always complex and nuanced. Right. I'm learning, but I think it does always go back to communication. Right? Like talk to the teacher, talk to the school, find out what you can do. Obviously a kind of this is a potentially a few steps ahead, but if your child is really struggling, there might be other things going on. They might have learning needs that need to be addressed through the school and the special education system and we want to catch those as early as possible. So if you're concerned about that, and they're always struggling in math and they're still struggling in math, we want to look into that and we want to get the school involved to rule that in or out. So I highly encourage that to happen. But also just on a more like simple standard, tier one, if you will. If you all are in the schools and looking at tiers for all kids. It can be about, again, learning different study habits, learning other ways of learning the material. In fact, I'm about to create a study guide for my daughter because the one that she got from her teacher isn't working right. Like, she was like, I don't get it. She's having me do these quizzes and helping me learn it. So I'm like, okay, well, let's go on, y'. [00:39:26] Speaker C: All. [00:39:26] Speaker A: ChatGPT is my new favorite thing. It's amazing you can pull up standards. This is not a solution for everything, but for a single assignment test, I know specific standards that are going to be included. I can pull up and help her create something. I've encouraged her to watch videos and social studies, right? There's certain movies that are out there that she can learn, some true documentaries and history and stuff like that. There are other ways that we as parents can help them learn that material, going back to the very beginning. Like, sometimes that's more on us, and we only have so much capacity. So I want to note that, because sometimes we don't have that capacity or the knowledge or the ability to find all that stuff, and that's okay. But those are some ways that we can try to support them academically outside of, like, sending to the teacher and getting evaluated and that kind of stuff. [00:40:22] Speaker C: I think I would start. If your kid is struggling in a certain content area, again, don't hate me. Don't shoot the messenger. Sit next to them at homework time and see their process. [00:40:34] Speaker B: We're done. We don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm just. [00:40:36] Speaker C: I'm kicked off. I'm kicked off the future podcast. But sit with them. See, see their process. What are they? Where are they getting tripped up with the math or the reading or the English? Is it comprehension? Is it so you don't have to be an expert on teaching. You don't have to have a teaching degree to just sit with your kid, have them do something in the area that they're really struggling with and just see what's going on so that when you're reaching out to the educators, you have a little bit more information to go off of and a little bit more understanding of your kids. I would just say there's lots and lots of academic supports that are available, some tutoring. There's videos online that teach you how to do concepts. There's YouTube, there's Khan Academy. There's all kinds of supports. In general, I think start slow, start small, and just make minor tweaks. So one Example I'll give if your kid is struggling with any part of the reading or writing process, read together as a family, period, listen to audiobooks in the car, sit down and read a chapter before bed. Kids who are read to by adults in their life do better across the board on all reading and writing. So if you're not doing that because life is busy and hectic, find a way to incorporate a little bit more reading as a family before you jump to all the like nuclear options, if that makes sense. So just kind of starting small with math. It's hard because they've changed the way that they teach math pretty significantly. So it's hard even for parents to understand what the assignment is asking the child to do. [00:42:13] Speaker B: I don't know, I don't know how. I didn't know how to do math when I was a sophomore in high school myself, and I definitely don't know how to do it now. [00:42:19] Speaker C: The way they teach, like drawing entire pictures. My one of my sisters consistently sends our family group text just a picture of the math problems. And it's like, who knows what this is asking? And we've got like, my uncle is like a high tech engineer guy with like several math like master's level math degrees. We've got lots of smart people and it's taking all of us to try to Decode what this 5th grade grade assignment is asking. So it is complicated. But communication is key. Getting to know your kid, where are they getting frustrated, where are they getting hung up? And then just creating a home where learning is something that we're all doing. So learning. You say this really well, Jesse. Learning doesn't always feel very good. Like learning a new thing that you don't know how to do is uncomfortable and it doesn't always feel great to not be good at something instantly. So a huge part of helping your kid academically is creating a family where it's okay to try new things. This is a silly example, but try baking something and if it completely doesn't, you know, the cookies turn out burnt. You learn something for next time, like doing things together where you can make mistakes and it's okay to make those mistakes is really important. [00:43:32] Speaker B: I'm so, I'm hearing observe, you know, the ability to observe and see where they're getting off track. Talking to teachers and being curious about that and then also being able to pull into other resources, which I appreciate, some of those that you talked about, I want to know real practically, is it too late in the year to make a 504 plan? Or an IEP, like, do those happen at any point in the year? Do they need to happen at a certain time? You can also let me back up for those of you who are like, I don't know what that is. This would be a plan. Well, Rachel, you're the expert on this. You tell me what, what those plans are and how you would go about pursuing them. [00:44:15] Speaker A: I can tell you a little about those plans. We also, I think, have a podcast episode. I think we did this talking about the differences between 504 and IHC. [00:44:23] Speaker B: I think we do. And we can put it in the show notes. [00:44:27] Speaker A: But really both of them are providing support for your child, legal support, formal support in place so that your kid can have the accommodations that they need in order to learn. And if you are concerned at any point in the school year, you should always bring those concerns to the teacher, to the administration. There's usually a specific person that's in charge. Sometimes it's an assistant principal, sometimes it's the school counselor. It just depends on the district and the school. But you can find out who it is and talk to them about that process. But parents have the right to request an evaluation at any time. And then once you formally request that, there's actually a timeline that starts, and schools are required to do that. So as. As somebody who really is passionate about advocacy and your rights and your children's rights, I really want to encourage you start. But you can start. These conversations are all really important. Like, Becca talked about going to the teacher and, and having that conversation. Sit with your k. See what they're struggling with. We don't have to go nuclear. As Becca said to start with, you might just need to figure out, oh, they just don't understand. Or maybe it's something else entirely. Maybe they're just struggling to read and they need glasses, like they can't see. Well, there's other things that could be in place. So sit with them and try to do a little bit of work yourself. Right. And kind of just understanding. Because the more information you bring, the easier it is for the school to help you as well. Well, and, and yes, 504s and IEPs are the two things individualized educational program. [00:46:21] Speaker C: Are. [00:46:21] Speaker A: Are things that you can ask for at any point during the year. It's never too late. [00:46:26] Speaker B: Okay, Great to know. Just asking for a friend. You know, I think especially when we think about. I'm thinking of when, how you said it doesn't have to go nuclear. It doesn't have to be giant or huge. And Sometimes we do need to make the 504 or the IEP. Sometimes we do need to pursue that type of support. But I appreciate, again, the nuanced way you guys are talking about, like, there are different levers we pull for different circumstances. I remember going to a teacher once in elementary school about math homework, and it was on in those later years of elementary school where it does start to get kind of tough for them. Don't ask me how to multiply fractions. I don't remember anymore. But we were spending a long time on math homework, and the fix was as simple as the teacher said. I just want her to practice for 20 minutes. Tell her to set a timer to do the homework for 20 minutes. If she doesn't finish, that's fine. Just sign where she finished. And that's what we did every day for the rest of the semester. And I was so glad I went to her and asked because she was able to see, based on where my child stopped the homework and how much time she'd spent in 20 minutes, how she needed to support inside the classroom so it doesn't always have to be some giant thing. That's an example of that. As we wrap up, I know there's categories we haven't gotten to. We haven't even touched peer relationships. And that might be a different episode for a different day. You know what to do about those tough peer relationships in school. But hopefully we've given you some things to think about, adjusting things to think about, observing and thinking through. What parting thoughts do you guys have as we wrap this up? [00:48:15] Speaker C: My parting thought is don't do nothing. So I know I'm saying start slow, be small, don't go to the. To the level 10 option. But also, if there's a pain point in any of the categories that we mentioned, don't do nothing. You can't control everything. You can't be in PE Class telling the coach, don't. My child does better if you say it this way, not that way. You can't do that. That would be helicopter parenting. The new term that I've learned recently that I want to mention is snowplow parenting, where you don't even hover. You plow everything out of the way to make the path easy for your kid. I think many of us are doing that. You don't need to be a helicopter or a snowplow, but you also don't have to be absent from the conversation. You don't just have to be like, oh, well, I guess math is just hard for Them it out or. Oh, well, I guess we're just going to fight every morning getting ready for school till you graduate high school, and then we'll probably find something else to fight about. You can do something, you can make adjustments. We talk in a lot of episodes about what's within your sphere of control. And I just want to say that there are things in your sphere of control that you can have influence over. So speak into those. Lean in, advocate for your kid. [00:49:28] Speaker A: I love the Snowplow parent. I have never heard that. That is amazing. And I'm going to use that from now on. So thank you, Becca. I think my parting thoughts are really just to encourage you to. To just take a step back and. And notice where the challenges are. So just. Just kind of of sit back for a second. If you're going to reset, look over it, where are you struggling? And then choose again, like, Becca, choose something that. That's a doable thing for you and your family on where to start. So don't try to do it all at once. Even if you can, even if you have those things in your sphere of control, to do 10 different things, that's going to feel overwhelming too. So, you know, find the things that are going to have the greatest impact where. Where your kiddo and your family can be, like, safe and feel, like, comfortable with going to school, no matter what age they are. School is a huge part of their lives, and so. And consequently ours, too, as parents. So just knowing that it is happening, and we want those hours of the day to be good and positive for them. So our goal is to really help them get through that in a positive way. It doesn't have to be everything. [00:50:56] Speaker B: All right, so we're gonna do something, but we're gonna start small. And I appreciate the expertise that you guys brought to the table today. And for all of you listening, I'm gonna throw my own 2 cents in that the thing that we're always, always, always focusing on is connecting before correcting. And so anytime we're solving a pain point or tackling an issue, make sure that connection is there with your kiddo first and foremost. And I know a lot of times when things are going sideways at school, sometimes that piece is a little wobbly at my house, at least. And so I just want to encourage you guys, as you're going into this second half of the year, to prioritize that connection and find those little pockets of time, those little ways that you can shore up that relationship. Thank you guys for speaking into this. And we wish you all a wonderful second semester of school. And here's to making the adjustments that we need to big and small. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If you're interested in learning more, head to empoweredtoconnect.org for our library of resources. Thank you to Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio, and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at Etc, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empowered to Connect podcast. In the meantime, let's hold on to hope together.