[E204] The Worthy Conversation: Courtney Tierra on Empowering Your Child

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:04] Speaker B: To the Empowered to Connect podcast where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Hey everyone. I'm here with Courtney Tierra today. I met her recently this fall and, and she's a new friend of mine and I would love to introduce her to you. So Courtney, why don't you tell us a little bit about your. [00:00:33] Speaker A: Ah, hello. I am Courtney Tierra. I reside in the metro Atlanta area. For my day job, I am an adult educator. I work for a local nonprofit and then on the side I've got a business where I do my best to share the knowledge of inherent worth with the world. Ice cream is my favorite food group. And yes, I mean food group because people are like, what do you mean food group? Because ice cream is dairy. It can have fruit in it, it can have vegetables in it and can also have meat in it. So that is why it is my favorite food group. [00:01:18] Speaker B: Some people who are of the more vanilla chocolate variety are like, how does ice cream have meat in it? But I am tracking with you as a fellow. Um, yeah. Bacon, right? [00:01:29] Speaker A: Bacon, yes. [00:01:30] Speaker B: What is your favorite ice cream? What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Do you have a favorite? [00:01:36] Speaker A: So here's the thing. It depends. So like, if I go to Jenny's, I love Jenny's. It is sweet potato toasted marshmallow or brown butter almond brittle. If I go to Brewster's, it's Graham Central station or birthday cake. If it's Haagen Da, like, it literally depends. [00:01:57] Speaker B: Depends on the brand who makes it. [00:01:59] Speaker A: But give me crunchy toppings and I'm gonna be there. [00:02:03] Speaker B: Okay. I love that you and I have lots of, of commonalities and we can talk about that later. We won't subject everybody on the podcast to it. But I, I also hail from Atlanta for, for from before my adult years. So we're glad to have our Georgia Peach on the, on the show, on the podcast today. Okay, so you talked about your business having to do with inherent worth. And the first time I heard you talking, you were speaking about this idea, this concept of, of worthy or worthiness. Tell me a little bit about what that means to you and why you've built a whole business around teaching people about their worth. [00:02:51] Speaker A: So what worthiness means to me, inherent worth, is that my worth exists because I do. It doesn't matter my size, it doesn't matter my age. It doesn't matter my skin tone or how much money I make or my relationship status or where I like none of that matters if you're in school, your grades, none of that detracts from your worthiness. Your worthiness is there regardless of the external things happening. And the reason it's so important to me. I have as everybody. But life has been a journey with lots of ups and downs. And I grew up feeling completely worthless. My home life as a child wasn't the best. And I was not spoken life into like kind words. Kind actions weren't really the norm of my childhood. And so because of that, like no lie, my nickname from the parent that raised me was ugly. So I grew up believing I was ugly, believing, you know, that I didn't matter, and also believing that I was unworthy. And because of that belief, I made decisions about my life based on the thinking that I was unworthy. And so my goal is to share the knowledge of inherent worth with people. Because when you know your worth, you make better decisions. You don't take, you know, the bottom of the barrel that's offered to you. You don't allow people to walk all over you. And so for me, knowing your worth, sharing the knowledge of worth is empowering others. And hopefully that then allows them to make the best decisions for their life. So they're not making some of the same. I won't call them mistakes because they brought me to where I am, but so that they make better decisions than I did as a child. [00:05:01] Speaker B: I hear you talking a little bit about this concept that we teach about and empowered to connect in the impacts of trauma, of how they share shape our beliefs about ourselves, about the world, about everything about other people. And so yeah, I wonder how does, how does our worthiness or our idea of our worth shape our beliefs? And we would say that then influences our behavior. Right. So you're talking about the choices that we're making and that being like that's going to come out in the way that we behave. We've got caregivers that are parenting kids who have been impacted by trauma or have been under incredible amounts of stress. What's something that we can be mindful of in terms of how that's going to shape what our kids are believing about themselves? [00:06:01] Speaker A: I think the first thing is make assumptions, because the way you see people, the way you see your kids is not necessarily how they see themselves. And so you can't make assumptions that, oh my God, you're so beautiful, you're so smart. How do you not know that? Well, are you speaking that into them? Are you assuming that they already know that? You know, I also think Grace is important. Grace for yourself as well as grace for the humans around you. We are, as humans, we are very self centered, which that is how we're designed to be. But we take fault with things that other people do that have absolutely nothing to do with us. We're like, oh my God, they cut me off. How dare they? But you don't know that. Maybe they have diarrhea. Maybe that's what I do in traffic to try and like not get angry. But like, maybe they have an emergency and they're trying to get home. They don't know anything about you. They're in their own world. So I definitely think grace is truly important. And listening, many of us, we don't mean to do it, but when someone tells you how they're feeling, oh no, you don't feel that way. How are you going to tell me how I feel? And I think caregivers and parents do it often to kids just because, you know, parents think they know more than their kids. But your kids know that they have feelings. And so to be able to listen to the humans around you. And you know what, I don't agree with what you said, but I hear you're saying this, can we talk about that? You know, like maybe a kid comes to you and says, hey, I feel really ugly today. As a parent, you're going to be like, but you're beautiful, but you're not hearing the child. The child is saying, I feel ugly. Let's talk about that. So, yeah, we'll go with assumptions, we'll go with grace and we'll go with listening. [00:08:11] Speaker B: Yeah, this is such great advice to me. I'm thinking about things real time. Something I shared with Courtney before we began was we have her children's book at home. And tell me a little bit about the children's book, what inspired you to write it? And then I want to talk about kind of how it has played out at my house. [00:08:32] Speaker A: Yes. So I wrote Worthy, a book for kids of all ages in 2020. So we all know what happened. I literally thought the world was ending. And I was like, oh, no, I haven't reached goals that I have set for myself. And a goal that I told no one about that I set when I was like five years old. The back of books have a barcode and little Courtney was like, oh my God, it's an ISBN. ISBN stands for like International Standard Book Number or something like that. But little me was like, it's an is bin. I want an is bin. But I went my entire life, never Writing a book in order to get an is been. And so March 2020 happened, and I was like, well, the world's ending. You haven't reached your goals. You need to do something because the world might end next week. [00:09:23] Speaker B: That's right. You got to get your is been. [00:09:27] Speaker A: And so I went to a cafe that had free WI fi, and in two days, I wrote and designed book. And I was like, I did it. But then I sat on it and did nothing with it. And so a few months later, I actually told the world about it on June 19, 2020. And so basically, I wrote this children's book about worth. I wrote it specifically for newborns to 2 year olds. I wanted caregivers, you know, at bedtime to read this book to their little ones so that they know very, very early on, before they can even form words, they're starting to hear, oh, I'm worthy. Wait, what does worthy mean? Oh, I'm worthy. [00:10:16] Speaker B: I am. [00:10:17] Speaker A: And so that was the reason I created it. And I threw on the title, so it's worthy, exclamation. And then I threw on the subtitle, a book for kids of all ages. Because I figured, well, maybe, you know, maybe there's somebody else that might need this book and not just newborn to 2 year olds. And I'm really glad I did it, because even though it's very short, very simple, very repetitive, I receive emails and Instagram messages out of the blue. And it will be, I'm a grandma in Oregon, and I read your book to my granddaughter and I started crying because I wish I had this book when I was little. And so every single time I get one of those messages, it's like, all right, Courtney, all right, you did a good thing. Because sometimes you get in your head and you're like, did I do a good job? [00:11:13] Speaker B: I don't know. [00:11:14] Speaker A: And then those comments come out of the blue right when I need them to remind me, yeah, this is needed in the world. So that's kind of how that came about. [00:11:23] Speaker B: Well, and what we were. What I was sharing with Courtney was a way that even in my house, I have read this book with my almost 11 year old and kind of processed that with her. And the way that that's playing out in our home and the things I hear her create or say or the things that she's been creating recently are reflecting the principles of that book that she is someone to delight in and someone who has inherent worth, not just because of what she does, but because of who she is. Yeah, that's Life changing for all of us. It kind of leads me to this idea of it sounds like you have done this and you're leading others to regain or uncover, recover a sense of their own self worth. And so even for those of us older caregivers or listeners of this podcast, maybe that's not something that we've grown up having people speak life into us, having people give us a sense of our worth. What would be first steps that you would recommend on recovering your own sense of worth? What, what is your experience with that and what would you recommend? [00:12:46] Speaker A: So for many years there was a lot of anger of my childhood and well, how could they or how did they not know this would affect a child? You know, and therapy, ding, ding, ding. Therapy is the number one thing that I suggest as a resource because therapy helped me to realize, you remember I said earlier that we're inherently self centered. The way that my parent raised me had nothing to do with me, nothing at all. It was my parents stuff that unfortunately I just happened to be on the receiving end and so I had to learn that wasn't indicative that I was unworthy. Like even though these things were being said and done to me, that was not a reflection of me. And so for the rest of my life I will be on this journey of knowing that I'm worthy and fighting off the remembrance of childhood memories. I do a lot of affirmation work, so I have affirmations on my walls. I have my A L E X A because I can't say it or else they will speak. [00:14:13] Speaker B: We refer to her as Bob in our home so that it doesn't set her off. Yeah. [00:14:19] Speaker A: Have Bob set up where I give a command of. I have two commands. One is start my day and the other one is affirm me. And both of them I have created words that are spoken to me on a daily basis that it's like, okay, all right. Even if I'm not feeling it in that moment, hearing it uplifts me. So yeah, so therapy, affirmations and having a good support system. I don't have blood family in the sense that most people do, but I have framily, which is friends that are family. And so they have been there with me through the thick and the thin. And you know, even those family members that didn't know me as a kid, they have been so supportive and understanding and nonjudgmental when they get bits and pieces of my story. And so that has been immensely helpful. I tell people that currently I'm reparenting myself and so for me, reparenting myself is when I have responses to myself, to things that I've done or things that I've thought, I immediately try to catch that thought or that memory and try to come at myself the way I wished my parent had when I was a kid. And so I feel like slowly but surely that is starting to change my most molecular self of loving myself through what I wasn't loved through as a kid. So, yeah, therapy, affirmations, a support system and re parenting and giving myself what I feel like I needed all those years ago. [00:16:13] Speaker B: That's great. I'm just hearing the underscoring of how, how powerful words are the words that are spoken out loud to us. You talk about, I've heard you say several times, speaking life and talk about these power of these words. What are ways that we can speak life into the kids in our care? For those of us who are currently parenting. [00:16:40] Speaker A: If you are thinking something positive about your child, tell them, that is how I am with my nieces and nephews. That is how I am with people that I care about. That is how I am with strangers. If you look good or you're rocking something cute, I'm gonna tell you. And the delight in their faces is like, wait, what me? When I'm talking to my nibblings, my nieces and nephews, you know, it's not just, oh, you're so pretty, oh, you're so handsome. Do you know how smart you are? Or wow, you did. I heard you got into the National Beta Association. That's amazing. Do you know what a feat that is? Like, if you're thinking something positive, say it, because you just don't know if they needed to hear that. You know, a lot of caregivers speak so proudly of their kids to other people, to their co workers, to other family members. Do you know what so and so did? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it. But they're not saying these amazing things to the people that have done it. And our kids got. They have feelings. They have feelings and they want to know, you know, mommy and Daddy, Grandma, Auntie, uncle, they want to know that they're thought fondly of. [00:18:04] Speaker B: That's so good to think. To say what you're thinking in terms of when you're thinking something good about your child or your loved one or any person in your life. Just applies to humans, right? Right. I'm thinking about, oh, my brain's going in a couple of different directions. But I want to talk about family roles because I think I'm I kind of latched on to this. I heard you tell your story at Replanted, and you kind of gave us the overview here on our podcast of the way this nickname that was given to you unkindly kind of followed you and shaped who. Who you believed you were, but also kind of your role in that family, I'm going to guess as well. Family roles are so tricky, and they. It's hard to change them. Do you have any advice for that? Of, like, as we're parenting kids and they're kind of falling into these roles or even naming them themselves, how can you unstick that for a kid? If they're like, I'm the kid who messes up, or I'm the kid who creates the problem, or I'm the perfect one, or I'm the funny one. [00:19:28] Speaker A: What? [00:19:29] Speaker B: I know that's kind of a specific and complicated question, but do you have any advice for that? [00:19:35] Speaker A: Conversation has to happen. And often, you know, a lot of I teach adults, and a lot of them get frustrated with their kids. Like, but I had to repeat it six times. Well, yeah, as an adult, I need to hear this more than once. Absolutely. Your kid's going to need to hear it 6, 7, 27 times. And so when you learn that your child has put themselves in a box or feel like somebody else put them in a box, you're going to have to have a conversation over and over and over again. So for the child that feels like they have to be perfect, hey, you know, it's okay that you didn't get an A. You know, it's. You don't have to beat yourself up for not making your bed this morning, like, it's okay. But that also means the caregiver has to think about what actions could be causing the child to have these thoughts. Like, are you the parent that says, why'd you get a 91 instead of a 97? Well, of course I think they have to be perfect because you're creating an environment that way. So a lot of it is listening, having conversations, and thinking about what am I doing to create this thought process. I. So I'm probably not the best to listen to because I went no contact. I have no contact with my blood relatives because I needed to do that for my mental and physical health. I would tell people. People like, well, how could you? That's your parent. You only get one. This parent. One this parent. And I'm like, but if I was in a romantic relationship where I am emotionally, mentally, and physically harmed, would you tell me to Stick around because. Oh, but that's your only boyfriend. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. So I might not be the best person to give advice on that, but that's, that's kind of what I suggest. You know, you gotta, we've gotta talk, we've gotta communicate, we've gotta open up with each other. [00:21:49] Speaker B: Well, and I'm thinking about, you know, while our kids are young, the what, what you're experiencing now is the product of, like, having been raised and you are grown in. What is the fallout from, from the messages that you received. And there's always something that. There's always something that we can do to kind of get agency that we are able to take and in how we believe and what we believe about ourselves and how we believe, if that makes sense. But I'm thinking about. I really love that you talked about not making assumptions that our kids know what we believe about them or that our kids know what we think, the good things. But also like not making assumptions that they believe those things about themselves. That's so important. And I love the advice that you gave in terms of, well, that's not how I see you, but tell me more about that and acknowledging their feelings. That's really. I love that idea of emotional presence and attunement. That's so important. Let's talk about this too, because you were talking about, you know, often we say positive things about our kids in front of other people, but they don't, Our kids don't hear us say that to themselves. That does happen. And also sometimes our kids hear us complaining about them to other people. I know I've been in, you know, even doctor's appointments where we're like, the doctor or another adult is discussing with me, you know, or maybe we're, we're with a therapist or we're with a psychologist and we're having to talk about some problems. I hate talking about that stuff in front of my kids. So just even being mindful of the way that we talk with other parents or other professionals when our kids are present, I think can, can really shape what are, you know, our kids are just listening in their listening. Yeah, they're. They're pulling in information about themselves and what they believe. And yeah, it's. I'm thinking about like, when you're at the playground and you've got the whole like, gripe session between moms and I, I have totally been there, but then also feeling uncomfortable sometimes of like, ah, somebody else's kid heard me complaining about my kid or my kid heard me complaining about them and just being. Being really, really careful about that, because that all goes into what they believe about themselves and the messages that they're receiving. Yeah. [00:24:26] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think, I think kids these days have more emotional intelligence in the parents. Like my parents. Generations with. They wouldn't have cared, you know, so what if they heard me talking badly about them, but they also wouldn't have apologized. I feel like kids these days, parents will say, you know what? Mommy made a mistake, and I'm sorry. Mommy yelled and I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that. So I definitely think that we're all learning and growing together. And so don't forget to give yourself grace. You're a human. You're learning, too, just like the kids are. [00:25:05] Speaker B: Talk about repair for a second. Because that's a big deal over here with us, and it's one of the connecting practices that we encourage in parenting. Let's say that we, like, you know, you're listening to this podcast and you're like, man, I've done some of that stuff, or I think I've been a part of the problem, or some of my stuff I think I'm passing on to my kids. I do really appreciate you pointing out, like, sometimes we're. Sometimes our unresolved stuff is part of the problem that we're passing on. Right. And so let's say we're wanting to kind of recover some of that or repair some of that. What are, what are the best ways to repair? Maybe some mixed messages or even wrong messages that we've given to our kids. [00:25:55] Speaker A: I. I think patience has to be the first step, going into it with patience, because intent doesn't matter whether or not you meant to harm or hurt. You know, your. Your little one. It may have already happened. And so again, you're going to have a conversation. Hey, I really wanted to talk about something. You might have to have patience. Your kid might not want to talk to you. Your kid might be hurting or really upset. And you might have to tailor how the conversation goes. So maybe you want to have a verbal conversation. Maybe your kid's like, I don't feel comfortable telling you how I was upset or sad, but can I write it down for you? Can I draw a picture for you? And then not being defensive about what the child is saying in return. So, you know. Yeah, and of course, this is all age appropriate, you know, levels, but yeah, like, hey, Johnny Casey, I know you overheard me talking to someone last week. First, I wanted to apologize because I think that, you know, may have hurt Your feelings, but I want to hear from you. Did that hurt your feelings? What do you think mommy thinks about you? Or how do you think mommy feels about you? And you gotta sit there and listen. You can't be like, well, I didn't mean that. That's just gonna make it worse. You know, that defensiveness is gonna shut them down. It's. Well, Mommy, when you said that, you know, I got the F, I was really embarrassed, and I didn't know why you were telling that I got an F because you didn't tell when I got the B. You know, or what. You know, I'm making up conversations in my head, but yeah, conversations and listening. Listening more than you're talking. Like, can you tell mommy what you're. What you were thinking or feeling? Can you draw Mommy a picture? Yeah. Repair is tough. But the good thing is, if you're coming to your kid saying, hey, can we talk about this? Means you're trying, right? You know, there's so many people out there that really just don't care. And so the fact that you want to try is already. Gold star. [00:28:18] Speaker B: That posture matters, Right? Even if we're doing it imperfectly. [00:28:23] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like you said, sometimes our unresolved stuff is now coming out onto our kids. You know, I was put on my first diet at four. That wasn't me. Four. Four year olds are just supposed to be out having fun. That wasn't me. And so now here I am, 42 years old, and I've been on diets yo yoing since I was four. You know, so, yeah, it all affects your children. If you're coming at them positively, it's going to affect them positively. Typically, if you're coming at them negatively, typically, it's going to affect them negatively. [00:29:08] Speaker B: Mm. Let's talk about body image for a minute because I do think some of that stuff as our kids are growing up, you know, we've. We've unpacked this recently with an author that was talking about connection and food and the way that all plays out. I'd love to know what were some of those early messages that you got about body image? How does that end up playing out in adulthood and what are ways to correct that? Or maybe get on the front end and, and, and be mindful of the messages that we're giving. [00:29:43] Speaker A: So I don't remember, like, the very beginning because I was just so young, I didn't even remember this. I did a paper in college asking, you know, and I was talking about my yo yoing and so I had to ask my parents, hey, do you know where that came from? And they were like, yeah, you were your first dad at four. I'm sorry, what? I don't remember that. So I don't. I think my thought. And I also grew up during the time where Bridget Jones Diary, the movie came out, and they were calling her fat. And you were looking at this act just like, I'm sorry, fat, what? I think they called it heroin chic. But skinny was end all, be all. And if you had any meat on your bones, if you had a booty, if you had hips, if you had any ounce of fat on you, you were not lovable or wanted or. Or whatnot. And so my brain went to, skinny's better, skinny's worthy, and you have to cut calories. I remember in college, this was before, like, I got into actual, like, therapy. Therapy. And for the listeners, I'm a birth mom, and I placed my son my freshman year, right before my freshman year of college started. And so to deal with. I couldn't deal with the birth mom stuff. I couldn't deal with the adoption. I had to focus on school. But there was also this, like, aspect of losing control. And so for me, that then became food, because I grew up thinking, skinny's better, skinny's worthy. I can't control what's happening with my son, so let me control my food, y'all. I was eating under a thousand calories a day and exercising four hours a day. I lost £40 in six weeks. I think, like, it. It was unreal, but like, that my brain and, you know, and of course, people are like, oh, my God, you look so great. [00:31:56] Speaker B: No one's getting entrenched. [00:31:59] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm harming myself, but they think I look great, so I'll keep doing it until my body, like, is like, stop. You can't. And so, you know, again, therapy, like, I have had. I been in therapy off and on since college. So since I was 18. Well, no, since I was 19 and I'm 42. So these things are always going to be lifelong journeys just because of the age that it happened. Like, it's kind of embedded. So, you know, there's going to be times where I'm great and, you know, what childhood? What? And then there are times where like, oh, my God, my childhood. So it's going to be a forever journey. But therapy helps keep me on track and helps keep me pushing forward as opposed to wallowing in the past. I remember somebody. I can't remember if I read it somewhere or If I overheard someone say, but like, thinking about the past causes you to be depressed, thinking about the future causes you to be anxious. But if you stay in the present, then you can kind of create peace in yourself. So I try to remain in the moment, in today. How am I today? [00:33:23] Speaker B: Right. So hard for parents, you know, thinking about past mistakes we've made or worrying about, you know, if this is happening today, then what's this going to look like in the future? It's so hard to stay present for ourselves and for the kids in our lives for sure. Hey, tell me a little bit more. Tell our listeners a little bit more about this experience of being a birth mom. And I'd love to just learn what can you teach us about that experience and your place in kind of that adoption triad and the words that we're even speaking about that as we talk to our kids about their stories? As we interact in open adoptions with birth parents, what are some things we can be mindful about that. [00:34:19] Speaker A: So I got pregnant in high school my senior year, and open adoption was not even on the table. It was either closed or semi open. And so I chose semi open, which meant I was supposed to get letters and pictures once a year. And so I chose his family. I looked through notebooks and read letters and looked at pictures and chose his family, gave birth and then immediately moved into college to start my freshman year of college. Now, things have evolved immensely since then. Basically, I gave birth and it was like, all right, you're on your own. Therapy did not come from birth mom support. Therapy came because I was a college student and it was included in my student fees that I found out a few months later. So I was adrift. And so I definitely think therapy and group support is super important that I am aware of because adoption is still kind of taboo, especially when it comes to birth parents, but that I am aware of. I did not meet another birth mom until my son was 18. So that was 18 years of I'm in this alone because I didn't know nobody around me was in the adoption world. So there was nobody. I could talk, you know, I could tell people, oh, I was sad. But depending on who you talk to, they're like, well, that's your fault. You chose to give them away. Because give away was still. It is still actually used. And so support groups, being able to speak to other people that have been through the experience. And I think more interaction with birth parents and adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents, I think we all need to be communicating more because we're all going through our own separate journeys, and some of it's the same. I think some of us could heal a little bit more by having conversation. Now. My son is. It's 2024. My son is 24. And so now there are birth mom support groups. And like, I have a group chat full of other birth moms and it's. We can literally just put in the chat, today's a bad day. Or I got pictures today. And they get it. And it's so wonderful to have that support now. I think education's important. Something as small as don't say give up for adoption. Made an adoption plan place for adoption. Getting education out about wording. And I also think birth parents can be villainized. Quick story. When I was pregnant, I was working at a bowling lanes. And so with bowling lanes, they have leaks that come week after week. And so of course, you're seeing the same people over and over again. And they start to see my belly grow. And one woman in a league came up to me one day and she's like, I see you're pregnant. How exciting. You know, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, what are you gonna name the baby? Blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, well, I'm actually placing the baby for adoption. And this woman looked me dead in my eye and said, you're going to hell like that. Sometimes birth parents aren't treated nicely while adoptive parents are pedestal. You saved that child from a life of horror, you hero witch. Perhaps they are a hero. Perhaps they did save the child from a life of squalor. Perhaps. But that's not always the case. And regardless, birth parents shouldn't be villainized for choosing adoption. And so I think education has to be made because a lot of people will assume was the mom on drugs. Why would you? Why would you assume that? Why would you? So, yeah, I definitely think education and talking about it, which is why I'm so open about it. Two reasons. One, because we don't talk about it enough outside of our little community. And two, listeners. I'm black, okay? And it is often when I am on a birth mom call or when I am on an adoption panel, I am the only person of color. And it's not that black people and people of color don't do adoption. It's just not seen as much as other cultures and races and ethnicities. And so that's why I'm super open. Like, get another perspective. See what it, you know, see that other people experience this too. [00:39:39] Speaker B: Yep. Yes, yes, yes. Tell me about what messages? What messages do you want children placed by adoption to. To hear and to know? What beliefs do you want want kids who have been adopted to know about themselves? Speaking as a birth mom, so whenever. [00:40:10] Speaker A: I get this question or a version of this question, I am speaking to my son and hopefully other adoptees can gain from it as well. You are loved. You were loved. You are loved. You will forever be loved. This was not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. And I want you to have everything you desire. I want you to be celebrated. I want you to thrive and flourish, and I want you to be happy because you deserve that. Ultimately, the biggest thing that I want you, my son, and other adoptees to know is that you are worthy. No matter the decisions made for you around you, you're worthy. Yeah. [00:41:17] Speaker B: Thank you, Courtney. That's powerful. And you know what I love is I believe that you believe that about yourself, too, and that that is the power of therapy. Right. This is what you keep coming back to. If, like, you're able to say that because you believe those things about yourself, is that true? [00:41:41] Speaker A: Absolutely. It's the way we kind of got acclimated. Was your co worker saw me. [00:41:49] Speaker B: Yes. [00:41:50] Speaker A: Take a picture of myself, and apparently my response to the picture was so anti. Her response to her own picture taken. So I guess let me paint the picture. So the conference had a photo booth, and so you can set it up to take a photo in five seconds so you can pose and then it pops up and you can send it to yourself if you want to or retake it. So apparently I took my first photo, looked at the screen, I was like, oh, my God, I look so good. [00:42:24] Speaker B: I believe. I believe I was told you said I am cute. And we. We loved that. We loved that you said that because how many women look at a picture of themselves immediately after it's taken and say that about themselves? [00:42:40] Speaker A: It took a long time to get here because I used to be the. Oh, but my hair or my nose or my lip looks weird or my tooth isn't wide enough. Whatever it is, we. We like to pick ourselves apart. And I'm not listener. I'm not saying I never. Like, I'm always. [00:42:59] Speaker B: You're a human person. You're saying. [00:43:01] Speaker A: Okay, exactly. But for the most part, I'm going to acknowledge my greatness because I deserve to. [00:43:10] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:43:11] Speaker A: You know, it wasn't acknowledged for a very long time, so I'm going to acknowledge it for myself. So. So yeah, I saw the picture and the fact that, like, that was just My natural response, I had no idea. [00:43:22] Speaker B: You didn't know anyone was watching. That's what we loved. [00:43:26] Speaker A: And so when she came to me and she's like, yeah, this is what I experienced. Oh, wow. And we then took a selfie and I said, what do you think about that? And she just kind of smiled. I know she probably wanted to say something, but thankfully she didn't say anything negative about it. But I have that picture on my phone because it matters. Like, you don't know people are watching and they. And they are. So if you're kind to yourself, guess what. Other people are seeing it. [00:43:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:43:52] Speaker A: Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. [00:43:54] Speaker B: Yeah. And it. That. It starts there. But when you're able to do that, that. That powerful message that Courtney just spoke to our kids, to her son, that's what we then are able to give to others, to anyone, really, that you gave to my coworker, that, like, when we are. It starts with us. Right. It starts within yourself. But then you're able to give that to others because you believe it. Yeah, yeah. [00:44:24] Speaker A: Effortlessly. Once, you know, you get to that spot. Space. But it takes time. It really does. It takes time. [00:44:33] Speaker B: It does. It takes time. Well, I'd love the time to expand for us. I'm going to wrap us up. But I love that message that it does take time because I'm gonna, like, you can always start. Right. So start taking the time. And I hope our listeners are inspired and encouraged. Thank you for all of the hats, so to speak, that you've held as you spoke with me today as an educator, as a birth mom, as. As a coach, and as a small business owner even and an inspirational speaker, as an author with your is been. And I know that in my house, we're already seeing the fruits of your labor. And I just appreciate the message that you're bringing to the world. Courtney, thank you for reminding us that we have inherent worth no matter what we do, just because of who we are. I love that. That our worth exists because we do. Thank you so much for being with us, Courtney. We are so grateful for you and your message. Tell us where we can find you. [00:45:48] Speaker A: Thank you so much for having me. This has been wonderful. You can find me at Instagram, the Worthy Reminders website. The Worthy Reminders calm. And actually on the website, you can find a link to the book. You can find a link to merchandise. I got T shirts and stickers and all the fun stuff. The book worthy, a book for kids of all ages again, can be found on the website. I think it's also still on Amazon as well. So Courtney Tiara is my name, so you type that into Google Courtney tierra comma worthy, it'll pop up. [00:46:34] Speaker B: Perfect. Well, we've got a a worthy sticker on a mirror in our house, and I hope that you will head over to Courtney's website and pick one up for yourself as well to remind yourself of this beautiful message and the way that it shapes what we believe. Thank you so much for being with us. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If you're interested in learning more, head to empoweredtoconnect.org for our library of resources. Thank you to Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio, and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at etc, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empowered to Connect podcast. In the meantime, let's hold on to hope together.