Carpool Q&A [E4] Oh the Disrespect!!

[00:00:12] Speaker A: Welcome to Carpool Q A, where we give you one topic of conversation to get you from point A to point B. We are here today with Tana and Becca, as always. And so before, though, before, I think Becca is throwing out a topic today before we get there, you might see, at least with me, dark circles under my eyes and I might look tired. And that's because we are coming off of the most, I'll speak for myself, the most fun work thing that I've ever done with empower to connect. You've heard us talking for months about an event we were going to have called investing In Hope. We had Nate Bargesi, who is Grammy nominated comedian. He hosted SNL recently. He was the game day guest Picker. I mean, you name it, he's been everywhere recently. And he came and did a private show for us as a fundraiser and we had it at the Peabody Hotel here in Memphis, which is a historic, famous hotel here. And man, my heart is full. I had a blast that night and my old self has not recovered. [00:01:19] Speaker B: Limping. [00:01:20] Speaker C: Yeah, it was so fun to see the different people you had people that knew about us and were super invested in our work already. You had people that had just kind of heard, wait, you guys are having Nate? Oh, I'll come to that. And then you had people that were kind of longtime, just supporters and friends. It was fun to walk around the room and hear the different conversations, the different pieces of what we do that different people know and then getting to just laugh with everybody and enjoy the evening. It was so fun. And I think sometimes whenever you get into this kind of work, it's so hard. It was refreshing to just be able to laugh and really, it felt like a celebration. It felt like a celebration of how far etc. Has come. [00:02:02] Speaker B: Yeah, next time. Yes, I just said that, JD. I just like signed us on the dotted line here on. [00:02:09] Speaker A: I've already got like 20. [00:02:11] Speaker B: Next time. We need some of our podcast listeners to just put it on their calendar, fly on into town and for the. [00:02:19] Speaker A: Fun, I talked to several of you who are probably listening this now there at the event and it was awesome. It's never not going to be weird for me to just meet those of you who listen and you listen to us and you recognize my voice and I've not met you yet. That's always going to feel kind of weird in a good way. It's always strange and it's always fun to get to meet you guys because sometimes I think we'll record this, at least mentally. I know people are listening we see numbers and stuff, but then we're just. [00:02:52] Speaker B: Really kind of talking to each other. [00:02:54] Speaker A: Yeah. Just like, go about our day and that's it. And so whether it was in Chicago, at TBRI, running to some of you, or even at the event of the day, it's always fun. And my wife got a kick out of it because one of our close friends, Emily Frazier, if you've seen any photos from the event, Emily's one that took the photos at night, and she's a brilliant, brilliant, amazing photographer. She was pulling up the other day to a stoplight. She was going to check out the Peabody to make sure she knew kind of what she needed there. And I heard your voice and I looked over and was like, oh, someone must be talking to him on the phone. And she goes, and then I saw somebody else talking, or I heard somebody else talking, and I realized they were listening to your podcast. [00:03:36] Speaker B: Stop it over. [00:03:37] Speaker A: And I was like, I know him. [00:03:39] Speaker C: That is so fun. [00:03:40] Speaker B: That is wild. [00:03:42] Speaker A: It was funny. I will never get used to that. That's pretty cool. So all that to say, it was super fun getting to meet you all. And yes, next time we do need our out of town folks to represent and be there. We will be doing it every year. I'm taking you one further time. I like, this will be for us. Make your plans. Yeah. [00:04:02] Speaker B: The thing I loved about it, my little pitch for you to do it, like, save the date, is our heart and desire. Like, literally for our first ever investing in hope and time together. That way was for us to have fun and just show up. I mean, I don't know how else to say this, but, like, the empowered to connect way where it was about laughter and friendship and connection and joy and letting off steam and just building that sense of community and fun. [00:04:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Just not taking ourselves too seriously, like, enjoying what has been being built. It was super fun and really grateful. I mean, any of you who are listening, who are there, or who tried to make an effort to be there, I know several of you shot text to say you were sick day of. And so just all that. Thank you. It was a blast and we had the best time. And so you'll be seeing more footage of that coming out soon. It's also super fun to meet Nate. And if you're listening to this and you love his comedy, but you kind of wonder what he's like in real life, I would just say he is kinder and more fun and just kind of whatever you hope he is surpasses it. He was so cool. And so great to hang out with. He was a blast. The night was a blast. We had a great time, and we're tired, so all those things can coexist together. [00:05:32] Speaker B: That's right. So we'll see how this little conversation goes. [00:05:35] Speaker A: That's right. I think. Yeah, Becca, throw it out. [00:05:38] Speaker B: Bring it to us. [00:05:41] Speaker C: Okay, so the topic that I want us to talk about for just a couple of minutes while people are driving is the word disrespect. [00:05:51] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. You stole mine. That was going to bring that one up. [00:05:54] Speaker B: Are you kidding? [00:05:55] Speaker A: I'm not kidding. That was going to be mine. [00:05:57] Speaker B: Okay. [00:05:58] Speaker A: Not because of personal things at our house, ever. That is man fresh. [00:06:06] Speaker C: I know we only have a few minutes, so I was wondering if we could talk about why does disrespect fire us up so much as adults? And then maybe just a little bit of the nuance about why actually defining it can be kind of tricky and hard. Can I tell a quick story? [00:06:23] Speaker A: Go for it. [00:06:25] Speaker C: So my life experience growing up overseas, and you have to adapt to norms and what's respectful. So there. If you walk into someone's house, you have to take off your shoes. It is extremely disrespectful to keep shoes on. Fast forward to guess what you shouldn't do in Tunica, Mississippi. You shouldn't take your shoes off in someone's doorway. Just trust me on that. Just keep your shoes on, because that's weird and that's, like, too gross. Then there's, like, the yes, ma'am, yes, sir Culture. So my mom was from lots of places. She moved around a lot. She hated for us to call her ma'am. She would correct us. No, you will not call me that. That makes me feel old. Do not ever call me a ma'am. So I grew up saying, yeah, yes. Okay, try that in Memphis, Tennessee, with the people at the school that I worked at. Try saying yeah, or saying what? And then all of a sudden, that got flipped around. So I think, what am I trying to illustrate? Respect is so centered to our culture and to what we're used to and what we expect that it can be so hard to put a finger on. So I just wanted to kind of toss that to you guys and see what you thought. [00:07:40] Speaker A: Well, I'll say something before Tana can share the other side of this. If this is where you're going, Tana, I will say it's. So much of it is shaped, too, by. And you touched on this, Becca, but by your. Yeah. And then by your own insecurities. And emotions and your own. So there are. There are things that just, as a person, I came into parenting with that I was insecure about that has very little to do with my kids that might not even come up as disrespectful to other parents or other people that my kids would do. And it just lights me up. And hopefully that list is dwindling. Hopefully there are things that used to light me up that I can now kind of put in proper context. I want to be careful not to use examples, because what we are not saying in this conversation is that nothing's disrespectful. And your kids have license to say whatever they want, whenever they want to you, in whatever manner they choose to without any kind of pushback or correction. We're not saying that. And hopefully that's obvious, but there would be things like, dad, why don't you do that? Can you do that instead? And they're like, media, I asked you to do that. Why are you asking me to do? And it picks at this narrative in our house growing up that a lot of times my dad would point out, oh, well, when it's time to work outside, you and your brother always pop inside, don't want to do anything, whatever. And it was always just a good nature kind of ribbing. But there was this tie to that as an adult. That is my kid trying to call me Lazy right now while I'm freaking working to keep this entire house up and running, and he thinks that I should go do this for him. So then I run into, if I just do everything for him, they are going to grow up to be spoiled, lazy, entitled brats. And all it was was, I got to wait a blanket on me. You're just sitting right there. Can you grab that for me instead? So that kind of thing would light me up. And without me thinking about it, I'm like, how dare you disrespect me? Do this yourself. Whatever. And so now, hopefully, where my brain is kind of allowing me to go is to then do my own homework. And if something fires me up like that and it doesn't catch, a lot of times Elizabeth will look over and kind of make a face like, whoa, okay, so where'd this come? Uh, but if that doesn't happen, I've got to do my own homework to go, am I right on this? Was that disrespectful? Because here's what that triggered in me. And sometimes I do that math internally, and I realize, oh, that's actually not their fault at all. That was something that I brought into this out of context. And so, Tana, I don't know what your thoughts are on this. Where do you go? [00:10:36] Speaker B: I appreciated you going straight personal. That's where I went, because I think, really, your only lens is to think about your own personal journey with this word respect and this feeling of respect or disrespect. So my first thought, this might be one I wish I had a little more time to process. So it's kind of fun just, like, having to say, yeah, because I totally went back to myself, and I grew up in a really laid back family. I'm from Texas, and we were just very sort of easygoing, and there was a lot of, like, I don't know how else to say. A lot of room for children to be like, there was just room, and it was easy to just. Yeah, just accepted and that kind of thing. So I don't remember respect being something that was demanded, and I say that in air quotes. Maybe there was this sort of Texas hospitality thing that we just did because it was cultural. I wouldn't even know it because it was my culture. So I don't see, um. But then I went into a more conservative environment where I was mentored that children should respect their parents. So through the season of early parenting, I was actually working against my own natural wiring. And so asking for demanding, expecting this sort of cultural layer of respect wasn't actually organically and naturally me. It was put on because I adopted the narrative and the culture around me to say, children should say these things or they are not respectful. So as I was navigating those early years of parenting and sort of expecting this more formal expression of respect, it didn't even feel natural to me, so it wasn't hard for me to let it know. And that's just me in my own house. But I think, JD, you have, like, I was bringing my own stuff, and I'm saying I was pretty laid back about it, trying to adapt to a different culture. It wasn't really fitting, so I just sort of let it go and kind of haven't looked back. So I think we're all bringing something here, and it's relative, isn't it? Maybe that's the crux of your question, Becca, is, like, how do we like this connected parenting thing as it dances with this idea of respect while bringing culture into that conversation in ourselves? [00:13:15] Speaker C: And maybe, too, just thinking about you guys as you talk, I think, why do we have strong emotional reactions as adults? I think respect can't really be unentangled from the idea of obedience or authority or discipline. Or you could say manners, or you could say courtesy, or you could say, there's a lot of other things that get all kind of jumbled up together. And so in the moment, I feel like I hear a lot when we walk with families or in my own family, I hear the word disrespect being thrown out a lot. It's almost a catch all for any of those other things I just mentioned. It's Almost this catch all word that carries the weight of all. So if anything doesn't fall in line with any of those things, whatever your. [00:14:04] Speaker B: Perception of what that should be. Yes. [00:14:07] Speaker C: In your context. So it's just really, I think we can miss each other because we can be bringing our own lens, just like you all said, into an interaction. Maybe it's someone else's kid. And you're like, oh, my goodness, that kid just called me by my first name. How disrespectful. [00:14:25] Speaker A: Right? [00:14:26] Speaker C: When I was growing up, we made fun of kids who said Mr. JD or Miss Tana because it was so outside of our norm, we made fun of them. That was so weird. And now living in the South, I would never say JD or like, I would never expect a kid to not say Mr. JD. Miss Tana. I know I keep using similar examples, but I just think there's so much weight wrapped up in that one little word. And y'all are illustrating how it's so personal. [00:14:56] Speaker A: It might be helpful to throw some loose parameters around what we feel like disrespect might be, but it is important. Like you said, Becca, some of it is contextualized. Right? There are going to be things that our kids have to learn to code switch in, and they're going to have to learn contextually. Like, they're going to have to learn how to contextualize. Where am I? Does this fly here just to be funny about it? There are places you can't fart or burp, right? Where you can't make a crass, crass joke, but there are places you can't. Toilet humor is not acceptable. There are other places where it probably is more endearing. Right? So to go more seriously, one of the things that we battle in our house, two of our kids are African American, two of our kids are white. And as our oldest who's African American gets to be taller and bigger and just moving into adulthood, what comes with that, specifically in our context, are some unique challenges when it comes to authority and responding to authority. And we have to prepare him to code switch and to contextualize really quickly, because in certain settings, the looseness he has with us and the voice he has with us, the freedom he has to push back. And obviously, we're trying to teach him how to do that in a way that is going to be kind of a kind and a respectful way. But there are settings for him where that pushback is not acceptable and could indeed threaten his life. Right. So it's cruel, and that's unusual, and that's not a fair thing that he is having to learn, but it's a reality for us. And so what I would encourage you to do as parents, as you're thinking about this, and this wades into what will take us out of a Carpool Q A length podcast. But what I would encourage you to do is you have to, like Dr. McKinney shared with us on episode two of our podcast way back in the day, you have to be able to look at your kids the way that the community will and prepare them accordingly. Right. So in your, you know, your kids are yours and the different contexts that might fit culturally in your home, obviously, you're creating a safe space there. That does not mean that safety travels with them. And so this is one thing that can be really challenging as a parent. And so, again, without opening that camera completely, I would just say that is one of the unique challenges in this conversation. [00:17:35] Speaker B: JD, you said a word that might be sort of my little closing thought here, and it's code switch, because I think even my personal illustration of what I did is I code switched to my environment. I'm like, that wasn't my natural growing up, but I assessed my surroundings and I was attempting to modify. And I think when I think about parenting and thinking about our kiddos, this is such an interesting conversation. I literally was on the phone with one of my dearest friends earlier, and we were talking about how to support our children to function in society and even understand what are societal norms without shaming their individuality or their expression. It's tricky. So we were sort of lamenting with each other that we don't really know the pathway forward, but we're trying to show up. And I think maybe my takeaway would be, think about, what is it bringing up in you? Like, what's your own relationship with respect? What are you bringing to the table? What is your cultural context in that society's relationship with respect? And then what might your child need? A very safe place to be scaffolded and supported. And that's what you're hinting at JD. It's like, how do you teach a child that might not have the nuances to even understand it on their own? You said that funny thing, like, well, you can't fart everywhere, right? You can't assume a child would know that. [00:19:03] Speaker A: Totally. [00:19:04] Speaker B: How do we support being like, hey, that's maybe not a societal acceptable thing to fart. Like, I don't know, is your shopping at Target really loud? Just teaching those quietly. [00:19:16] Speaker A: Yes, of course. [00:19:18] Speaker B: Right, JD? Just silent but deadly. But don't make a loud one. You know what? You're hitting on it like it's a big, huge bucket. Because that's about manners. So how do we stay connected, support our children? Because we do want them to be able to function in our cultural context and have been taught supported to be able to discern code, switch, if you will, when you can do something and when you can't. And it may not come natural, maybe would be my closing thought. They may need a little extra talking it through. [00:19:53] Speaker C: Yeah, I think my closing thought is, just don't assume that your definition of disrespect is everyone's come on now. And just be willing to notice when you feel that's so disrespectful, like, rising up in your chest, just notice it, pay attention to it. And if you came to this Carpool Q and A, hoping for an answer to how to make my kid show respect, that's not what this is for. But maybe what I want to say in closing is just be willing to check your definition and be willing to maybe even change your response. So what I will say is, maybe instead of that so disrespectful, maybe you can be a little bit more descriptive. What is it that you're wanting the kid to do in that situation? What is it that you're hoping for? And like Tana said, how do we scaffold them to get there? [00:20:45] Speaker A: Yeah, my closing thought would just be, have a phrase, Becky. You just touched on it. Have a phrase or a really simple, non combative statement that's made in those settings for us. It's like, we have phrases like, this is a home conversation. Hey, this is a home conversation, not a school conversation, not a public conversation. Or if there is a loud fart at home, we can all laugh and go, hey, remember, obviously that's cool here, but you can't be doing that in public and just ripping out and ruining people's days like that, because some people don't like that. So just have some little phrases that you can playfully kind of use, but just you're building into your kids framework. Oh, yeah. Sometimes not everything is appropriate in every situation at every moment, right? Yeah, that'd be that. And then I would just say, be cool, be cool and be as slow as you can to react. Especially with kids who have to exist in a lot of different circles. Right? Because last closing thought, one of my mentors for years taught me how to think about this thing. When you're working interculturally, thinking about was something right, wrong or different. And so before I attempt to correct somebody in something that I don't understand why they did, or I thought something was disrespectful, whatever, I need to run through my own filter and go, well, was that wrong or is that just different? Is that something that is a fundamental kind of universal right wrong issue? Or was this something that was just different than what I'm used to? And I can get more curious and ask questions about it as opposed to coming the front door, pushing up and correcting against it. So those are my closing thoughts every week. We're going to bring you this on Friday. Most of them will not be this long, but some of them will be, you know what? Who knows? But for Becca and for Tana, I'm JD, and we'll see you next week on carpool. Q.