[E200] Help! My Kid & I Aren't On The Same Radio Frequency!

[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to the Empower to Connect podcast, where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Hey, everyone, it's Becca here with Jesse and Tana for another episode. Excited to jump in today to this kind of idea of. Okay, people, my kid and I are on totally different radio frequencies. Like, we are not even on the same wavelength at all. It's something that we've talked about a lot recently, and that's the topic we're going to dig into together, but as we jump in. Okay, speaking of speaking different languages, y'all. [00:00:46] Speaker B: Yep. [00:00:46] Speaker A: The Gen Alpha slang words. Can we just talk about that for a second? [00:00:50] Speaker C: Oh, my goodness. [00:00:52] Speaker A: They are throwing around words that, like, out without context, literally make no sense. What are. What are some of the ones that you guys have been hearing in your houses? [00:01:02] Speaker B: I mean, I've had to ask them why we talk about the state of Ohio all the time, and I still have no idea why. What does Ohio mean? Do y'all even know? [00:01:10] Speaker A: It means lame. But I don't know why it means lame. Do you? [00:01:14] Speaker B: So when you say Ohio, it means. [00:01:16] Speaker C: Because lame is, like, in the middle of the United States. I used to live in Ohio, so I want to. For those. [00:01:22] Speaker B: You're not lame. [00:01:23] Speaker C: For those of you listening that are like, ohio is not lame, like, I am with you. But I think the argument, it's like, just, you know, in the middle and nothing. Nobody cool about Ohio. [00:01:36] Speaker B: Okay, okay. [00:01:37] Speaker A: What are the other ones that you guys have been hearing? [00:01:39] Speaker C: Well, I used Riz incorrectly the other day. [00:01:42] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:42] Speaker C: I. I was teasing Rhett, and I said, oh, sorry, I'm just trying to Riz you. And she was like, you did not use that correctly. [00:01:51] Speaker B: I don't like. [00:01:54] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. She said, Riz is like, if you're rizzing someone, you're flirting with them. [00:01:58] Speaker B: Oh, gosh. [00:01:59] Speaker C: She did not say it that succinctly. She was like, riz is like, did you fall from heaven because you're an angel? And I was like, oh, flirting. [00:02:08] Speaker B: Okay. [00:02:09] Speaker A: Riz is bad flirting. [00:02:11] Speaker B: God. [00:02:11] Speaker C: I was like, okay, I'm not raising you. I was like, what would I be doing if I was giving you a hard time? She was like. She said I was cooking her, but. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Also, I'm like, people are just making this up. [00:02:25] Speaker B: They are. There actually is. I wish I could remember his name. There is an Instagram middle school teacher. [00:02:31] Speaker C: Oh, I've seen this guy that I. [00:02:32] Speaker B: Follow, and he is hysterical because he actually makes Up. [00:02:37] Speaker C: He makes up a new one. [00:02:38] Speaker B: He does. And then he goes and, like, gaslights his students and, like, makes it be a real word. And then he heard one of them, an announcer on, like an NBA basketball game, using one of his made up slang words. So. So truly, people are just making them up. And there's also something about a toilet that's out there, like skippity toilet, which I think is this weird meme of a guy's head out of a toilet singing. [00:03:00] Speaker A: It is. [00:03:01] Speaker B: So they say skippity. Do they say skippity? [00:03:04] Speaker A: They do. They say skippity or skippity toilet. And it means, like, in. In my generation, we would say that's trash or that's gross or like, oh, no, but for them. So, like, if they say that something is skippity, they are not giving you a compliment, people. [00:03:20] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. [00:03:21] Speaker C: Well, we're rely upon Becca and her connection to the TikTok I know for our. [00:03:28] Speaker B: To help us. Yeah, but I don't think we're allowed to use the words. I think it's only important that we. [00:03:34] Speaker A: Definitely use the words if we want to make them uncomfortable. [00:03:38] Speaker B: If we. [00:03:39] Speaker C: Right. [00:03:39] Speaker B: If we want to be, like, not cool. Not Sigma. [00:03:42] Speaker A: My favorite. My favorite recent experience is I just started using all the words with my fourth grade nephew. And the, like, eye rolls that I got were so funny to me. It was so fun. He was like, aunt Becca, you cannot say Riz Sigma Skibidi. And I was like, ohio, what are you gonna do? And he was like, I'm gonna call you bruh. And I was like, well, you already do that, so what's. What you got, buddy? So it was like, so fun just to, like, mess with him about it. [00:04:11] Speaker B: I was in the car yesterday with a couple of the kiddos, and one of them says W for. For every good thing. Which is when. [00:04:18] Speaker A: Yes. [00:04:19] Speaker B: And so we picked one of the older kids up and they had gone to see a movie with friends, and they got in the car and just to pick on the other kid, I said, was the movie a W? And you heard my two tweens in background. [00:04:30] Speaker C: Go, mom. So embarrassing. [00:04:34] Speaker B: And then my, like, young adult was like, you can't do W. I was like, I'm just trying. Like, give me some points for trying. [00:04:41] Speaker C: Sometimes I get away with saying bet because that happens at my house. It means, okay, oh, like, or I'm in. [00:04:49] Speaker A: I think it came from the Minnesota, you betcha. But now people just say bet. [00:04:54] Speaker C: So I'll be like, hey, after, you know, practice, we're gonna Go to Costco tomorrow and she'll go, bet. And I didn't ever know what it meant. And then it took me a while. I figured it out. But now I can say bet. [00:05:06] Speaker B: Sometimes I feel so ready to pick my kids up from school today, I'm gonna throw. [00:05:11] Speaker A: That's gonna be fire. [00:05:12] Speaker B: It's gonna be fire. Yeah. So this is. This is bringing me back to my middle school days when my. My mother would start using the slang words wrong. And it made me lose my mind because she picked up a couple and then she kept them for like a decade, like, cool your jets. Or you know, just things chill. Like cool beans. Things that we probably said and thought were, like, real cute and coming out of her mouth. They were not. [00:05:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:41] Speaker B: And now I am the mother. He's going to pick him up and see that. [00:05:44] Speaker C: And it's not even fair because they're picking up stuff. We. I mean, somebody no doyed me the other day, and I was like, that's back. Like, right, that was ours. You just have that one. [00:05:55] Speaker B: Clothes are back. [00:05:56] Speaker A: I was bringing our words back. There's nothing new under the sun. We're back to mom jeans, people. Here we are. [00:06:01] Speaker B: I love it. [00:06:02] Speaker A: Well, there's lots of reasons besides slang that we can be on different pages from our kid, different frequencies, as our kids speak in different languages, not understanding each other. Let's kind of just start this conversation by talking about there are times when. Use the language that feels comfortable to you, but there's times when you're looking back on an interaction and you're like, we were not on the same frequency. Like, we were not in the same. We. We missed each other. And that feeling of, like, you know, it after it's happened. Sometimes it's harder to pick up on it in the moment. But let's just kind of talk about why does that happen between us and the kids that we're caring for? Why does that kind of missed frequency happen? [00:06:44] Speaker C: Even the idea of radio frequencies, this is what's tripping me up, is so old fashioned, y'all. I'm like, the. The fact that we're even talking about radio frequencies is hilarious. But a lot of times the frequency I'm on is playing something that's happened in the past. And, you know, I love the way that Dan Siegel refers to this as shark music. He talks about kind of the anxieties or the fears that we have about. About our child and about our child growing up being kind of the shark music that plays in the background of the scene. Like, if you watch Jaws without the music, it's not nearly as scary as the shark music behind it. Right. And so you've got that Jaws music playing and your kids just saying something normal. And for some reason, it's driving this anxiety in me. And so I think of kind of that different frequency I'm on usually as something I'm feeling a little worried about, maybe based on what's happened in the past or something I've worried about for them or an assumption that I'm making that's usually incorrect. That would be one of my most common ways that I'm not on their frequency. [00:07:58] Speaker A: Can I add a layer to this question? As we're talking about the different reasons why maybe can you talk a little bit about, okay, so when you've got that shark music playing, how does that show up? So maybe the shark music is the why? What does it look like in the moment? [00:08:13] Speaker C: What it looks like in the moment is my kid is talking about a really hard test coming up at the end of the week, and I'm thinking if she bombs this, then it's going on her high school transcript and she wants to get into this really selective college. And so how is she ever going to be happy in life if she bombs this test? Which I'm making the assumption she's going to bomb the test anyways. But that's probably based on some study habits I've observed in the past or whatever. That's kind of. I have all these things going on in the background, which is what that looks like is like these thoughts that I have that are kind of clouding what my kid is actually saying. [00:08:56] Speaker A: Yeah, Tana, what would you add when you said that? [00:08:59] Speaker B: Jesse, when you're talking about shark music, I was like, you know what? They also have their own shark music. [00:09:04] Speaker C: That's true. [00:09:05] Speaker B: You know, even if it doesn't sound big and scary, they're also bringing their full selves to that interaction. And so the frequencies can be missed. We talk a little bit about this, this image and this idea of the wall between us. And sometimes when we're in real life trainings, we will actually build a physical wall. So we'll put big tubs in between two people and talk about what does it mean for the two of you to communicate in a way that you can both understand. And the wall between us is exactly what you just said. Sometimes it's that it can be assumptions or fear or your own history or your own expectations. It can also be attachment wounds and it can be personality differences. Right. Just sometimes it is hard for us to feel like we can understand somebody else's point of view that is wired just intrinsically very, very different than us. So there could be personality differences that you've got to just observe and be like, oh, they really respond and experience and think about the world very, very differently than I do. So I'm thinking, like, personality and communication styles. And we talk a good bit about play, so we all play differently and we get our needs met differently. So just think about that. If you're a visual person, literally imagine two people standing there, and there being a physical wall between you and each brick is something that is keeping you from syncing up or getting on that same frequency. And it's, you know, no surprise because it's one of our episodes, but we're just going to say it's nuanced and complex. And some of those. Some of that wall is like our responsibility as the parent to deal with and take care of. Which is exactly where you took us, Jesse, which is, I'm bringing my shark music, my history, my stuff to this interaction. It's keeping me from even maybe seeing, hearing, understanding, or empathizing with my kiddo. We are missing each other, so it's time to get curious about the stuff between you. For me, I think this started to make the most sense when, you know, we've. I've shared this on prior episodes, but we have four older kids that are now in their young adult years, and when they were all small, I didn't necessarily like who I was as a mom, and I found myself getting easily agitated and maybe feeling angry. And I just didn't feel happy about who I was. I just, oh, this isn't the mom I wanted to be. And it was time to start doing some personal reflection and work and figuring out where that anger was coming from. And I did start tracing my anger to unmet expectations. But what was happening in those interactions is my kids were just getting an angry, frustrated, frazzled moment. So you asked, what does it look like? It looks like me not showing up at all with, like, positivity or joy. I was probably dysregulated as a word I would understand now. I didn't understand it then. So it can just be them experiencing us in a way that we wish was different. Yeah, right. I'm not showing up the way I wish I could show up. That means something else is going on here and what all is it? [00:12:43] Speaker A: Man, what a big, like, what a big topic to unpack. And I think when I'm listening to both of you talk. I think we bring so much of the way the world feels to us into every single text message, conversation, glance, facial expression, everybody with every single person. And so there's just so much. And it's hard. Even though we talk about it a lot, it's really hard to understand how someone else is experiencing anything at any given moment. I don't talk about it a lot on the podcast, but I have a twin sister. We're not identical. We're fraternal. And so if you look at if. If life experience and parenting was the only, you know, factor, we should respond to situations the same. You guys, we could not be more different. Like, the way that we experience. Our parent or friend or brother could say something to both of us, and we would experience it two completely different ways. And that has been true. I mean, from when we were tiny, we had very distinct personalities. And so when we're on different frequencies, even if we're trying to be thoughtful and conscientious and be intentional, there are limits. There's limits. And we can't always understand how something feels to someone else. Like, that's hard because we bring our own flavor to it. Like, this is how I would feel. Well, I think that person was probably blah, blah, blah. Like, we assign motive to things. We make assumptions. It's just part of human nature. And so why we're on different pages. You guys said so many of the reasons. Is so much personality driven. [00:14:19] Speaker B: So I've had the opportunity to spend time with people talking about the Enneagram, which is just a way of understanding personality. And I won't go into that in this episode, but one of the illustrations that makes sense to me is I talk about, like, if we were all walking up to a row of doors with peepholes and there was a beautiful scene on the other side, Every single one of us would see that scene uniquely differently based on the. The peephole that we were looking through. Yeah, it is all the same, but our vantage point and perspective is very, very different, simply based on our personalities alone. So we can miss each other by going, well, it looks like this to me, but it looks like that to you, but I can't see through your peephole at all. So add that to it being like, we're talking with children or adolescents or young adults. And then there's all of this other stuff like life experience and brain development. Like, I'm coming at this problem maybe very logically, using my fully formed, I hope now deteriorating based on my age, apparently research tells me My frontal lobes now on the decline. [00:15:31] Speaker C: You start feeling loser. [00:15:32] Speaker B: Like there it is and there it goes, you know, but whatever. It's now on the slippery slope on the other side. But hopefully, you know, I'm coming at a problem, maybe with a little bit of logic, but I'm trying to like be very logical with the child who's. Maybe their executive function isn't even fully formed. So that's going to keep us from maybe being able to, to sync up or get on the same frequency. There are so many things that could be happening. [00:15:54] Speaker C: I mean, I love things. You brought that up. I'm. I'm partly struggling because I really, really value being present. And I think it is because of my orientation to time. I love that you brought out enneagram stuff because my, my number I identify with or whatever you. I won't take us down the enneagram route, but it is, I'm very present minded and so when I'm with someone, I am with them. I. Right now, y'all, I am not thinking about anything later happening in my life later today. And I wonder if that's true of y'all. [00:16:33] Speaker B: Not for me. I'm future focused. I'm 100% thinking about what I have to do. As soon as this conversation is over. My mind is very. It's here, but it is also on the next. Always, 100% always. [00:16:47] Speaker A: Mine's on like what has to happen today. So like this has to happen today. [00:16:52] Speaker C: And also the other thing, I get in trouble. I get, I mean, quote unquote trouble now because I'm 44, so what you going to do? But my husband will be like, are you coming home tonight? Because if I go out with a friend, like so in it, I will be with them until I'm not with them anymore. But I like, I don't like to be distracted by outside notifications, outside things. I'm just there. Wherever I am, I am there. And I'm thinking about when I'm with one of my children in particular, she's very future oriented. And so we are both coming with a completely different orientation to time. When we talk about anything, she is always going to be asking questions about what is happening in the future. And I will always be like, let's talk about right now. And that can make you miss each other, right? We do. We miss each other a lot. Because I'm like, why can't you just be present? You know, let's talk about something right now. And she's like, why can't you alleviate my Anxiety about the future Mom. [00:17:58] Speaker B: Right? [00:17:58] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:17:59] Speaker B: So that, to me, that's. That hits on communication, which is sometimes can be why we miss each other. So let's think about the complexities of communication, because I personally am a pretty, like, direct, quick communicator. So I can be in an interaction with somebody and I can usually think pretty quick on my feet. I can, like, maybe put words to or synthesize something in a very, like, succinct, direct way. Maybe even ask a question that might come across as like, whew, that was a lot. You know, I can come off right as a lot. Well, usually typically people feel either like, they're a lot or they're not enough. So I'm too much or I'm not enough. So think about that in an interaction with your kiddo. If you're me and you maybe have a kiddo that needs a little bit more time to process or find their words or find their way of explaining something or think of the next question they might have. If I come in too direct or very, like, communicate straight through that front door, I can totally shut them down. So how we might be missing each other just because I'm direct and they aren't. [00:19:12] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:19:13] Speaker B: So I need them to, like, pick up the communication pace here. People tell me what you need, what you want right now, rather than being like, oh, they do have needs and wants. They just need a bit more time to find their words to communicate that thing. [00:19:27] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:19:28] Speaker B: So maybe our frequencies are not synced up because of our feelings of too much or not enoughness and or director. Need some time to, you know, contemplate. And I'll get back to you. [00:19:39] Speaker C: I'm also thinking about when I interact with you. You don't like it when people beat around the bush? [00:19:44] Speaker B: Just shoot me straight. [00:19:46] Speaker C: Right. So I'm thinking about teenage Tana. If I'm Tana's mom, like, I don't need to come in soft or through the side door. Like you come through the front door with Tana or she's speaking to me. Something's up. [00:19:57] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm going to be. That's right. I'm gonna be like, ah, they're trying to pull something over on me or whatever. [00:20:01] Speaker C: So that's. [00:20:01] Speaker B: But that is just 100% my personality for sure. It's not a right or wrong. [00:20:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:06] Speaker B: It's just. Just like, who I am and how. How I see the world, my community, my communication style as a mother. Yeah, that right there, that little bit of insight has been my golden ticket to becoming the mom that I want to be and understanding when I'm not, I'm like, aha. I, I, maybe I need to consider a beat or communicate. Hey, babe, I want to talk to you about this. I want to kind of float this out to you. Let's put a time on the calendar, talk about that tomorrow or next week. Like just those little impersonal. I'm not wrong, they're not wrong. I'm not right. They're not right. We're different. What can I do to help us get on the same page and set that conversation, that engagement up for success with just a little bit of insight and intuition? [00:20:56] Speaker A: It's such an important thing to think about. And when you kind of zoom out, it's the little things, the communication. Is it happening face to face, face or not? Are you looking at their eyes or not? Like for some kids, the straight on feels too much and they need side by side. Like for lots of kids, going on a walk, going on a drive, or watching TV together is a better way to have some of those conversations you need to have. But if our preference is, I want to know that you're really listening, I want to be looking straight into your eyes while this is happening. [00:21:25] Speaker B: Need to knee. [00:21:26] Speaker A: We could be, yeah, like we could. Or vice versa. We could, they might need that and we're not providing it. Or that might be our preference and we're not. And then the way that we talk, a lot of times I think that we get things upside down because most cultures have an appropriate way for adults to speak to children that's very different from the appropriate way for children to speak to adults. So I just want to mention that a lot of times adults are taught, don't ask kids to do something, tell them what to do. And there's reasons for that and there's science behind that. But if we are not being careful with how we're speaking to our kids, then whenever they turn the tables and they speak to us the way that we've been speaking to them, and all of a sudden it's, this is rude, this is disrespectful, this is not okay. We can be on different pages too, because of that communication. Like those norms that we're bringing in, all the stuff that we bring in. So we're bringing our personalities, we're bringing our life experiences, we're bringing culture into this. That's not something that we've touched on today. But for many parents who are parenting transracially or interracially, kids might be coming into your home with cultural expectations that are different from yours, that you might not even be aware of. And so what's that doing to put you on different radio frequencies? And so we're coming in with our personalities, our temperaments, all these things. And then you said it, Tana. There's some things that, as the adult, it is our responsibility to find the right frequency. And so for the next part of our conversation, like as we keep thinking about this idea, how do we tune in? How do we. Okay, we sometimes are going to be on different pages for all the reasons. Now, as an adult, as much as possible, I think I want to be on the same page as my kid, the same frequency as my kid. How do I get there? What are the steps? We've got a downloadable called Be attuned, which is a great way that we like to think about this idea. Let's talk about that idea. Let's talk about that. Be Attuned. What are the different pieces that. That are there? [00:23:29] Speaker C: I think the foundation of that idea is let's just go ahead and say that we're going to trust that those of you listen today are either thinking that we are, like, old and hilarious as we've talked about these words that we do not understand. But a lot of you remember listening to the radio. A lot of you who are listening, remember even the dial that you would turn to get to the radio station. Right? Okay, so I'm. This is even before the scanning in your car, you know, okay. And it's this idea of, okay, if you walk into my house, usually I have two daughters, they're usually playing or singing two different things. And I do not like when that happens. It's just cacophony and chaos. You know, you've got Taylor Swift playing upstairs and someone's playing piano downstairs, and they are just clashing. This is what it often is when we're trying to communicate with each other. And when you take that concept of turning that radio dial, remember when it would be like just static and then the closer you'd get to a radio station, you'd start to hear it in the background, but it would still be staticky until you got to just the right place on the dial, and then it got nice and clear and that was your radio station. That was you had tuned in. This is the kind of idea that we're thinking about as our kids are trying to communicate with us through their nonverbal and verbal communication. We are turning that dial until it's nice and crisp and clear of where they are. And I think the. Well, overall what we're going to talk about doing is we need to slow down in order to turn that dial. We need to actually turn the dial to tune in and then we've got to consider needs. So that's the overview of that. [00:25:22] Speaker B: So the slowing down maybe is what I was hinting at a little bit earlier. And I think, I love that example, Jesse, because slowing down I think can be in the moment and then there's a piece of that that's like slowing down outside the moment. [00:25:38] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. [00:25:39] Speaker B: To learn and to grow and to be contemplative and reflective and consider like, why are we missing each other? So I think, I think let's talk first about slowing down outside the moment. What you're doing. If you're listening to this episode, you know, my guess is you're thinking outside the moment about things that could be going on between you and your kiddo. So well done you for slowing down outside the moment to take this information in and to consider. So it's about learning about yourself, being mindful, doing that without shame, like suspend shame. That doesn't need to be here. Learn about your kids, be curious about your own personality and what you bring to the table and how that could be impacting them. So that in the moment when there's something going awry or it's just a con, just a typical conversation, we, we know this a normal interaction can go sideways unexpectedly real quick. And these, these strategies aren't going to keep that from happening all the time. That's, that's not reality based, but they can help us tune in more often than not. So in the moment, what does it mean to just like practice the pause and take a beat and just as quickly as your mind can go through the steps, assess, how am I feeling? What's happening in me? What, what's my body telling me? Am I okay? Do I have an unmet need? What? Clear our mind of our distractions or. I literally noticed I was doing this this morning because I was, I woke up, I had a lot to do this morning. I hadn't had my coffee yet. This is a problem. And I was trying to get our school age children out the door and one of our young adults happened to be up and alert and chit chatty and wanted to just be in the middle of getting out the door to school and I was kind of blowing him off. I just wasn't being, you know, maybe as attuned and responsive as I would want to be. I was kind of just Being a little like, answering his questions in a real short way. And. And I was like, I bet he's feeling blown off by me. And so in that moment, I just took a second and practiced the pause with that child when he wasn't even quote, unquote, who I was supposed to be helping this morning. In fact, if I'm honest, he felt like he was kind of in my way of getting out the door, but just slowing down and being like, I bet he's feeling blown off, turning my body, which is the tuning in, giving him some of my eyes and saying, hey, bud, tell me a little bit more about that. He wanted to talk to me about a horror movie that he went and saw last night. That is not the conversation I wanted to have at 6:45 in the morning before coffee. I never want to talk about the horror movie. But he really wanted to tell me about this alien humanoid thing at 6:45 in the morning. But I just like, took a beat. Yeah, I practiced the pause. I realized I'm being kind of short to him. Just a second. Tell me more about that. And then I did giggle. I was like, do you think I want to know about that at 6:45? He knows I don't. He knows I don't like the horror movies. And he giggled. Hop. Ha ha. And I just kind of gave him my little pinky and said, let's pick it up tonight when I get home. And that was all he needed. But I would have missed him. Totally. Yeah, he would have left. I would have left the house. He would have felt dismissed. He would have felt like mom didn't care. I don't. But he needs to know I care about him, not the movie. [00:29:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:05] Speaker B: So just practicing the pause is the first part of slowing down. Clear my mind, be present to the kid that walked downstairs to talk to me about a horror movie. [00:29:13] Speaker C: I think we, you know, people say we live in the age of distraction. It is so, so easy to get distracted. I mean, if you are just floating along your day, you will be distracted all day long. I mean, these little rectangles we have in our pockets will, you know, ping all the time. And that alone is enough to distract me from my kids. I was thinking about this the other day. I have resolved not to use my phone in the car because I'm preparing in this next year to start teaching a teenager how to drive. And so I'm trying to be proactive, like, oh, I know, you know, her detector of hypocrisy is really up these days. So I Was like, I gotta stop doing it before I tell her. That's preaching. So I have stopped using my phone in the car except when I do and it's when she's not in the car. Anyways, I, I have no time to Marco Polo people anymore. This is the problem because I, I was doing it when I was driving. That was the only time. Please don't come arrest me if you're listening to this and you're a state trooper in Tennessee or something. Anyways, I, I was talking to a group of people that I volunteer with recently, this past weekend and got to my destination having like just done like a 15 minute video for them. These are like I leave really long videos because I'm distracted. When I got to my destination, I was like, did I even like, what was that video even like, that was not quality. I was not being present with those people. I was just like random off the top of my mind spewing out like details they needed to know. Like that doesn't feel great to receive that anyways. All of that to say as someone who values being present, I even struggle with being present because it is, it's such a thing, you know, like we, it's. Yeah, it's so hard to tune in and slow down. [00:31:16] Speaker A: The last layer I think that is important to say about distractions is like what your example earlier, Tana, is like the things on your mind actually had to happen. Like you had to get out the door, you had to move. Like in your example, there's price. Jesse, there's probably some things that your leaders needed to know from that video. Like there was probably some communication that needed to happen. So I think a lot of parents that are talking to us about these principles, they're like, look, I've got not just one kid, I've got two, six, eight kids. I've got not just one kid that needs extra support. I've got two, six, 8 kids that need extra support. I've got. Or it's teachers. I'm not dealing with one kid, I'm dealing with 30 kids. Or it's. I, look, I have to pay the bills. So I hear you. But also the work email does have to get answered. So I just want to name really quick that just because the distraction is real and valid and fair doesn't mean that you can't do what we're talking about, which is what Tana said. Take just a moment to slow down. Could I put this aside even for 30 seconds sometimes? Could I put it aside for an hour sometimes? Could I put it aside for two minutes. So that slow down part is not to say you suck because you're scrolling Instagram. Like, that's not what we're saying. Some of these distractions are real and valid and pressing and timely. But if we aren't aware of them, if we never slow down, there's enough distractions to grab our attention 247 and till the day that we die. Like, there's plenty things out there to distract us. So first let's practice just pausing, noticing it, even if that's all you do first. And then step two, we want to tune in what's going on with the child and what's going on around them. In and around them. What's going on? What would you guys say about that? Tune in step. [00:33:07] Speaker C: I really loved Tana's example. I mean, I think we could pull that all the way through this because she showed how it worked. It was like, hold up, what's this kid want? What's this kid need? Yeah, and I loved hearing you talk about that in real time in this morning of like, wait, hold on. He, you know, he wants to tell me about this. And I loved that you didn't even have to do it in that moment. Like you decided to pick it up later. But tuning in is taking that moment. We think it's going to take so long. You know, I don't have time for this. The way Tana's describing it, and I'm totally there with you, like, imagining my off to school shuffle. But it didn't take long to just see that kid in front of you and see what he needed. [00:33:58] Speaker B: I. This morning when it happened, I was literally like making egg whites for one kiddo had another one that was trying to find their sports uniform and that's when he walked in. And. And did I say I hadn't had my coffee yet? So like, I just want to make sure everybody knows, in case you missed that, that also is part of what's going on in this moment. And look, I'm. I'm going to give this example. I want to be careful. I do not always get this right. So, like, please. It just, I just happened to practice this this morning. I took a second and I thought, oh my gosh, I'm just like brushing him. Mop brushing. I'm like, huh, okay. You know, like, he's telling me, okay, you know, just very dismissive verbal language and no, very dismissive, like, body language. Didn't even turn my body to, like, look him in the eye. So I like, stopped Took a deep breath, grabbed my coffee cup, took two really long drinks of coffee, like flipped the egg whites, turned my body and said, oh. And then I joke. That sounds so disgusting. Why in the world do you think I want to hear? You know, like, I laughed and picked on him, which is how he wants to be interacted with. He giggled, knowing I didn't want to hear about it. But that wasn't happening when I was just blowing him off. Right. It took me like long enough to take two big drinks of coffee, which I needed a deep breath, a joke, a quick little finger thing while I'm still making egg whites. And like he went out of the kitchen and was happy as a clam. Less than a minute. I mean by far less than a minute. And I just, it was literally that I've been trying to do this for so many years that I knew what I knew that I knew because I've been practicing this. So it, it's just about paying attention to your own needs. Which I met by the two long drinks of coffee and the deep breath. I flipped the egg whites, turned my body, talked to the kid, and then got back to the tasks at hand. I didn't have to turn the burner off, set aside, walk into the other room, sit down on the couch. Please tell me the plot of the horror movie. None of that happened. I hope, in fact, I hope he forgets and doesn't bring it up tonight. Like, it would be really great if that was the one and done conversation. [00:36:08] Speaker C: But yeah, I mean, but what did he really need? [00:36:12] Speaker B: He just needed. [00:36:12] Speaker C: He needed the connection with you. [00:36:14] Speaker B: And he was doing. He came down to pick on me about the horror movie. [00:36:17] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:36:18] Speaker B: Like he trampled down the stairs to come pick at me. [00:36:20] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:36:21] Speaker B: And if I didn't laugh and let him pick at me, he got none of me. He got dismissed by me. [00:36:26] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:36:27] Speaker B: And he didn't have the human connection. He wanted to pick on mom about a horror movie, which is, you know what? He picks on me. So what he wanted was connection. [00:36:33] Speaker C: I love it. I. My favorite part of you telling that story is talking about turning your body. I think we underestimate the power of our non verbal communication. And especially in this day and age where we can like be sending a text on our phone while we're listening to a kid or whatever else. Like, I loved that you flipped the egg whites. Yeah. Well, you had the coffee. We know that's important. [00:36:57] Speaker B: Yes. Please don't forget that. [00:36:58] Speaker C: And then turned your body like, like it's making me think about something. I read in a book once about a couple who had committed to. When either one of them walked in the room, they had made an agreement that the other one of them would put whatever they were doing down and stand up to greet that person that they really valued, presence in their family. And so starting with them as a couple, if the other one entered the room, they would put down the phone, get up from the laptop, whatever, stand up and make eye contact with them. I thought, like, boy, that sounds like the 1800s. [00:37:33] Speaker B: I love it. [00:37:34] Speaker C: But I. But I love the idea with your body language. Yeah. [00:37:39] Speaker B: Oh, I love it. I love it. [00:37:41] Speaker A: I also love how we're talking about. You're tuning in. What does this kiddo need? And then if you can, you're going ahead and meeting that need. And so that's the kind of. The last part of this is we tune in and we consider needs. Lots of times when we're talking about this idea of attunement, it is about that presence, just being present with our kids. Presence does not mean perfection. It does not mean every kid gets 100% of your attention every time. In fact, the opposite problem happens if that is what we set our kids up for. So kids have to learn how to appropriately, like, get your attention appropriately ask for your attention. They have to then navigate. You know, today was a day when you had that extra five seconds. It is possible there's days when you're having a serious conversation with another kiddo and you have to be able to tell them, hold on, I would love to come back to you. You right now. I'm talking with brother. Like, there's times when kids have to wait. So it's very complicated, but it's that simple idea of presence. And the last kind of note I want to hit on as we kind of wrap up is lots of times this attunement piece gets missed in the busy, in the hustle and bustle, in the rush. And so a phrase that we say here is connected parenting is not parenting from the couch. So it's that idea of getting up and being with your kids. So as we kind of, like, think about that, what encouragement would you give parents who are juggling a lot? What encouragement do you take with you to be attuned to your kids? What encouragement would you like to give to our listeners as they're hearing this kind of concept? [00:39:18] Speaker C: I think what motivates me to do that is that if I attune to my kids, and Tana said it, we don't do this all the time. We you know, but I loved that outside of the moment, she took some time to consider. I don't like the way I'm showing up as a mom. I don't. I just don't like. I don't like this version of me. And made some changes and started practicing some things. You know, I guarantee you that flipping the egg white moment where she turned her body to her son would not have happened in the beginning when she started making those changes. Right? [00:39:54] Speaker A: Yeah. It takes practice. [00:39:55] Speaker C: Yeah, it does. And it's those small changes over time. But our kid, we don't do those alone. Like, our kids notice when we do those. And so I'm thinking, you know, you want to teach your kids how to attune to the people in their lives. Well, it comes from watching and experiencing you do it with them. And I'm. It was funny you were talking about coffee. My girls have started just recently walking into my bedroom in the morning and noticing the level of coffee. And, you know, it's. I think it's because I've been drinking iced coffee this summer. And so it's in a glass instead of in my, like, opaque mug. So they can see the level, but they will see if it's full. They. I have days when they walk in and they say, oh, you haven't had your coffee yet. I'll come back. Which, like, okay, that's the beginning of attunement. Y'all them tuning into you, right? Yeah. Like that to me. I just want to encourage you if you're listening and thinking about starting to practice this or practicing it more or stepping outside of that moment, like Tana did, like we all do from time to time, thinking, oh, I don't like the way I showed up. We have an episode with someone who said. Said that to their kid. Even, like, hey, I don't like the way I just showed up. Can I try that again? Like, we get the chance to try this over and over. But my encouragement to you is that your kids notice and it makes a difference to them, and that's how we build that skill in them. [00:41:27] Speaker B: I love that so much. I was getting a little teary hearing you say that, Jesse. I don't. It just means so much to. To practice presence, and you're just not going to get it right every time. So maybe my closing thought on this concept would be, as much as we get to practice the pause and practice attunement, we need to practice repair. And what does it mean to ask for that redo and even model paying attention to ourselves at the right developmental stage with each child, of course, everybody. It depends on how old your kids are. Your kids do not need to feel responsible for your emotional state at all. That's not their job. It's our job. But making observations and giving them insight into your emotional state can free them from feeling like it was their fault or that they have to carry it, that you're owning your own stuff. [00:42:22] Speaker C: Even give an example of that. [00:42:23] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. I would love that. [00:42:24] Speaker C: I'm thinking about. I used to share this story a lot when, in our parenting course when we would talk about repair. That one of the most powerful times I remember my mother repairing with me was having a big tiff. You know, I was probably 13 or 14. I can't remember about wanting to wear contacts. And she was like, no, absolutely no. You're not responsible enough. You're not ready. You know, and just. That just enraged me because I was a. I'm. I was a really responsible teenager, y'all. I mean, I was a developmentally appropriate teenager, but I was a. A great kid. Right. And really compliant. [00:43:05] Speaker B: Surprised by that. [00:43:06] Speaker C: I wish I had a teenager like me. Okay. Anyways, I just remember just like, are you kidding me? I'm not responsible enough for contacts. Like, you know, anyways, you'll leave your son's home for me to babysit, but you won't let me touch my eyeball? You know, all the things we're thinking as teenagers whenever parents will or won't let us do something. But it was maybe 30 minutes after that argument, she came into my room and said, I am really sorry. I was thinking about myself and the first time I wore contacts, and I was putting that on you. You are ready for contacts, and if you want to try them, we can try them. She was like, I was thinking about how, you know, back when I was ready, they were hard contacts, and they really hurt my eyes, and it was so frustrating, and I wanted them to work, and they didn't. You know, she just, like, shared this whole thing with me, and I remember it blowing my little teenage mind that my mom had not been thinking about me. [00:44:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:12] Speaker B: Oh, that's so interesting, you know, because. [00:44:15] Speaker C: We'Re so egocentric at that little stage. It was like, that wasn't even about me. [00:44:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:22] Speaker C: And. Yeah, like, just the things that we can learn from our parents as they step into that repair. Like, my mom basically came into my room and said, I'm sorry I wasn't attuned to you. And it taught me a lot. [00:44:34] Speaker B: I had a wall between Us that got in the way of me being able to give you the answer that was right for you. [00:44:41] Speaker C: Right. [00:44:41] Speaker B: I brought my stuff. [00:44:43] Speaker C: It gave me permission to realize my mom was a person. [00:44:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:44:47] Speaker C: And also it gave me permission as a mom, years later to realize that happens to me, too. And it's okay to apologize to my kids. I didn't see her as weak. I actually respected her more. [00:45:00] Speaker B: Right. [00:45:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:45:01] Speaker B: I love it. That's it. That's. That's it right there. That's what I have to say about that. Thank you, Jesse. I mean, I. What a beautiful. Your mom didn't make an excuse, but she did practice vulnerability with you, allowing you to see the why she did it. Yeah. Which I think that maybe sometimes we're scared to do that. And I think I've just seen, like, doing that in small development, developmentally appropriate ways and times really gives our kids the skills to do that for themselves. Like, you know how empty an apology is if there's no why behind it. [00:45:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:45:40] Speaker B: But give me somebody that can say, hey, Ton, I want to talk to you about that. I'm sorry I did that. This is kind of what was going on with me. Again, not making excuses, but sharing vulnerable, reflective insight that's going to make really mature, respectful, strong adults, which goes to the end game part of this whole thing. So apologies can be small. I mean, Becky, you were sharing a while ago, and, you know, we have six kids. That's a lot of stuff that can come at me at any given time. I do have responsibilities outside of my family, and sometimes they need to wait a minute. So. But I have some phrases and they know if they come to me and I need to finish a quick email or I need to finish a slack message that they. I need to tune into them. They need my attention, but they need to practice waiting. So all I have to do is say, hang tight, sweetie. Let me finish this real quick. Which is very different than the dismissive tone I was using this morning at Eggs when I was doing my eggs and no coffee. But even just the simple acknowledgement that, like, I'm going to get to you, hang tight, let me finish. And then you've got me is teaching them to practice a lot of skills and that that's okay, too. But if I don't and I have to repair. I love your mom's example. Like, I. I feel like that's exactly the mom I want to be. [00:47:07] Speaker C: Oh, I think that's the mom you are. [00:47:09] Speaker B: Oh, thanks, Jess. I appreciate that. [00:47:11] Speaker C: But I mean, I think what you're pulling out is our kids know when we're listening to a different song. [00:47:17] Speaker A: Yeah, they know. [00:47:18] Speaker C: They can tell we're on a different frequency. [00:47:21] Speaker B: They just don't know why they're hyper vigilant. So I maybe my last closing thought is that right there, if your kids are older and maybe there has been more misses than there have been frequency alignment or tuning in, they may be hypervigilant to your mood or your state and they might not feel free to just approach you at all times. That just notice. Okay, Just notice that. And try to build a more open aura, Persona, the vibe. Be a little. Try to have a more open vibe. Be more approachable. Send those signals. I'm going to do my best to be open to your presence in my life and to tune into what you need and they'll pick up on that. But it might take time, especially if they have had experiences outside of your family, maybe even before coming into your family where the people, the adults weren't safe people emotionally or with their presence to attune and meet their emotional needs at any given time. So read your kids and if they aren't coming to you, then you need to go to them. And you do need to put all your distractions away and try to approach them and build that rapport, that relational rapport and emotional felt safety so that they can feel more safe and more free to approach you. So if they are not coming, pursue gently in a way that doesn't shut them down. And that's. That's saying that to me, who can pursue too hard and too hot? So pursue gently. [00:49:02] Speaker A: I think the phrase in my mind right now is we can't do everything, but we can do something. So when it comes to attunement, pay attention. That's the main thing. Just start to pay attention to it. It is going to happen because we are human people and as much as we wish we could really pay attention to eight things at once, we actually can't. Our brain is switching between them. And so first just pay attention and look for those missed frequencies and then in appropriate ways for your relationship with that kid. Maybe it's playful, maybe it's slow, maybe it's quiet, maybe it's side by side. But find ways to pursue connection and pursue attunement. Um, and that's just all we can do. Can't do everything, but we can do something. Thank you guys so much for sharing on today's episode. We hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, the best way to support us going forward is to subscribe, we'd love to hear from you, leave a review, drop us a comment, or email us to let us know what you hope to hear in future episodes. Thank you to Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio, and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at Etc, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empower to Connect podcast. Until then, we're holding on to hope with.