[E163] Dads Talk About: Getting on the Same Page

[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to the Empower Technic podcast, where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. I'm JD. Wilson, and I am your host. And today in the show, we've got a couple of dads who are jumping in to talk about getting on the same parenting page as your spouse. And so Evan Dyson and Tod Balmond are going to jump in with us. They are both Cultivate Connection facilitators in different parts of the country. And so they are, along with their wives, leading Cultivate Connection classes in their communities where they are teaching connected parenting and Empower to connect principals to other families right where they are in their communities. And so you will hear phrases like this way of parenting or connected parenting or etc. Parenting or whatever. And sometimes you'll hear classes referred to. And those are the classes that we're talking about, is our Cultivate Connection course, which is about a nine week, ten week course that is taught in community where you are by Cultivate Connection facilitators who have been trained by Empowered to connect. So if you've listened for a while, you've heard us talk about that course from time to time and you've heard different facilitators who have jumped on as guests here and there. But the guys that are on today, Todd and Evan, are going to be talking from the perspective of both having parented this way for a while and also been walking with other families as they have been learning to parent this. You know, it is just good every now and then to hear from a different perspective. And so if you're a mom, don'tune this out because it's dads on here. Please don't if you are dad, don't tune this out just because you think, oh, now they're going to put the squeeze on me and they're going to try to make me do this kind of parenting whatever, just sharing perspectives today. And so we feel like it's a helpful thing to get to hear other people's journey, where they're at, what their struggles were on the way, maybe what some convincing points were for them and then how they got on the same page with their spouse and maybe what the benefits of that were. So super glad for Evan and Tod to have jumped on with us and really excited for you to get to hear our conversation now. So here we are, dad's, talking about getting on the same parenting stage as your spouse. Well, as we talked about in the introduction, it is a dad's episode today. So we're going to talk with Evan Dyson and Tod Belman. And before we get into our topic of conversation, I figured it'd be helpful for guys, for everybody to have some context of who you are and your stories and all of that. And so I know some who are listening will know you guys, whether they've been in a class with you guys through cosmic connection or because of your influencer status online. Maybe they know you guys that way, but I figure we'll let you guys introduce yourself first. And so Evan, why don't you start off and just kind of share a little about who you are and kind of maybe how you maybe save how you came to, etc. For our later conversation, but just who you are, kind of your family, all that. [00:03:00] Speaker B: So I am from Columbia, South Carolina. All my South Carolina people. I'm the family ministry director at a church crossroads here in Columbia, and my wife and I have been married for 13 years, and we have three kids. Our oldest is about to turn eleven, and then we got an eight year old and a six year old. [00:03:25] Speaker A: Okay, awesome. And Tod, what about you guys? [00:03:30] Speaker C: Yeah, so I originally grew up in Michigan. I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana now. And I would say I come from kind of a background of I grew up Catholic. I came from kind of that authoritarian kind of background, and there's not really a second time to listen. It's the first one. And I really kind of came to this by my wife Brandy. We met in Fort Wayne, and she's always had a heart for this kind of stuff. Our family, we have five kids total. It's a mixture of biological and adoptive, and our ages range a huge range of 19 all the way down to six. So we've got all the way from college all the way down to kindergarten. So we're playing a zone defense against all schools in our area. We're just keeping it real. Yeah. My wife, she actually leads a ministry here in Fort Wayne called Truevine for vulnerable kids. And we are utilizing this as a way to connect and help parents, and not only in our church, but on our awesome. [00:04:54] Speaker A: Awesome. So we wanted to talk today about kind of getting on the same parenting page as your spouse and obviously stereotypically. If you think about whether you want to call it gentle parenting or connected parenting or etc parenting, no matter the name you want to call it, if there's any kind of compassion or empathy involved in the parenting style, stereotypically, it's not a dad thing, right? That's not dad's vibe is to be empathetic and seek attachment or seek connection and understand attachment and all that. And so with that not being a stereotypical norm, then we all kind of fall in an abnormal category. And so I think people oftentimes are curious and we will get questions a lot of times like, well, how do I get my husband to pay attention to this? Or how do I get him to listen to these things? Or whatever. And so more so than this being like a convincing episode for waning husbands, I would just say we just wanted to share our stories of kind of how we came to it and then the process for us of getting onto the same page parenting wise. And so Tod, you shared a little bit about that journey for you guys. Evan, I wonder for you guys, what was that process like? How were you introduced to empower to connect? And then what was it like getting onto the same page with spouse? [00:06:10] Speaker B: For us, we're in the middle of the adoption process and we've been in it for about three years and that's really when it solidified for us that we needed to kind of develop our parenting to reinvent it. But backtracking from that we had very close friends that introduced a lot of these connecting principles to us. Maybe not with the Etc language, but it was kind of an intro for me to see this other dad, a friend of mine, kind of demonstrating these things. And that was kind of the catalyst for me initially, was just seeing it in action and then really just respecting him for it because it's really kind of a brave thing to do, being empathetic, being vulnerable, sharing your feelings. And it started a mind shift for me. And when we started down the process of adoption, coincidentally at the same time we were hitting some major roadblocks with our three kids and kind of came to the end of a rope and said we have to figure something out. Then at the same time, right around then we were hosting the show, hope Adoption Conference, hope for the Journey. And that's where we first heard about PCE. [00:07:47] Speaker A: Okay. [00:07:48] Speaker B: And it just kind of went from there. [00:07:51] Speaker A: So you mentioned seeing your friend and kind of watching him in action. What were some of those things that were triggering to you of like whoa, something's different here, this is good. [00:08:05] Speaker B: I was just surprised at his willingness to listen to his kids. It was just really powerful being able to watch. And we were first introduced to our friends before we even had kids. And so we were just kind of watching them with little ones and just seeing him get on their level and listen to them wholeheartedly. Active listening. Validating their feelings, giving them voice, giving them words for what was going on in them, not dismissing them. It was really powerful for me. It kind of was countercultural a lot to growing up experience for me or some of my friends when I was younger and so it really stood out to interesting. [00:08:55] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Tod for you, do you remember that there were different moments or things about this style of parenting that initially appealed to you that began to kind of convince you maybe this is the right way to parent? [00:09:09] Speaker C: Yeah, I mean, I would say kind of a similar way to Evan. My wife was studying this for a long time before she actually came across empowered to connect that could put it into a form that was consumable. I guess a lot of what she would say. It was hard for me to comprehend what she was doing. But, I mean, for me, what I saw was that in addition to being a mom, she had an amazing bond to our kids, and she was cultivating a trust in our kids with great success and very deeply. And I was seeing this, and she was trying to coach me along. And just like what Evan said, it just seems so against the grain. I kind of mentioned a little bit about my roots a little bit, and just what is kind of woven into my DNA and fabric, I guess, from I would say that now, looking back, I can describe and understand, I have some very deep ruts in that way around you. Listen, it's about loyalty. It's about respect. It's about falling in line, and it's about great punishment if you're going to try and push the envelope. So it really went against everything I thought I knew and was spare the rod, spoil the child kind of idea about parenting. It just seemed hard to swallow. [00:10:47] Speaker A: Yeah, we talked a little bit before recording about this dynamic, but I wonder if we could talk about it's. One thing to be convinced this is a way that you're going to decide to parent with your team, right? Like with your spouse and partner, friends, family, whoever, because it's not just a solo decision. You can't have one parent doing this, the other parent doing something else, or you can't have parents doing this and then not at least be able to try to attempt to get extended family on board as well. I wonder for you guys if you can think of the first roadblocks you started hitting when you started trying to implement this. Were there moments of frustration early on? Well, this is hard. There's factors here that I didn't realize were going to be him play. I'm having to think about myself too much. I don't know. Do either of you guys have a first roadblock you remember hitting? Evan? You do. [00:11:44] Speaker B: Probably the hardest pill for me to swallow was this connected parenting required me to be connected to myself first, right. To really understand myself. Super interesting. I just walked in. I just didn't realize how much baggage I was bringing into parenting. And there was just so much junk that was so ugly that I had to confront. And there was a point where I could either push it back under the rug or set it out and let's deal with this, because it was really challenging. Really challenging. [00:12:25] Speaker C: How about just I think Evan put it so well. I think it was exactly like he put it. And then in addition to that, just like a blindness, I'm like, I turned out fine. I would say a blindness, and you have to have that revelation and see yourself in the mirror at some point, not connecting, not kind of like how's it working out for you. You know what I mean? You look at yourself in the mirror and say, so, how's it going? It's not really going. You start to open yourself up a little bit to maybe this is worth checking into. [00:13:14] Speaker A: Yeah, I remember week one or two of the class being in it and being like, this is amazing material, this is unbelievable, and eating it up and thinking like, this is great. Into this class, we're going to be rolling. I'm going to have everything I need. Then you start hitting the content where you're having to look inward and think about your own story and attachment and look into, why am I triggered so bad with X, Y or Z thing happening? Is that actually in my past or is that something that the kid's doing? And so all those things like then learning about attachment styles and looking at your own, it's terrible. And I just remember thinking during that part like, well, this is definitely why parenting has been so hard so far. I don't know that I want to keep going and do the rest of the work necessary to unpack all this because it's pretty. And I think for me, there was some ultimate accountability and knowing, all right, and you said it, Evan, like, once this information is like, once I know the information and once I've done some work to start seeing that there is more work needing to be done. I had a decision to make, and that was either I can keep going or I can just decide. I'm really good at putting on a good front in front of everybody else. And so I'll just continue to act like things are going great and do the best I can with the kids and not have to examine myself anymore. That's obviously not a real long term solution. And so I think the other thing for me that was a big roadblock was like, maybe a few years into parenting this way you start to get stuffed down with a certain stage of life, and then that stage changes or like a developmental stage, different milestone hit comes in, and the challenges start to change. And now you have what you were doing that was working is now no longer working anymore. And so I think the constant nature of parenting is always going to be, to some level, like, costing your entire self, right? Like your parenting is always going to cost everything you've got. And there's an illusion when you jump into a parenting class or you read a parenting book that like, oh, man, I'm going to get the answers here, and then it's going to be smooth sailing. I'm going to understand how to do it and I can just master it. And it's not like video editing or riding a bike or working out or something where you get some reps in and get some practice in and you start being able to do it easier. There is definitely a familiarity that gives you some answers as to how to navigate certain challenges. But challenges are challenges because they tax us and they stress us. Right? And so I think that notion of like, oh, this isn't getting any easier after X number of years, I just now have a roadmap for how to navigate it, but it still is coming to grips with pain and heartache and heartbreak in our kids and in myself and changed expectations and all of that. But now I've got something that can help guide me through those different challenges. So when an obstacle hits, we sort of have a roadmap over it. Not that that makes it easier, but we kind of know where to go to be able to then restore connection. And so that was probably the hardest for me. I wonder from you guys, did either of you get criticism from extended family or from friends or coworkers or anybody who saw this and was like, this is soft, what are you all doing? [00:16:45] Speaker B: I would say I got a fair amount of pushback. Not outright criticism, more just confusion. People would just look at it and go, why don't you spank her? That would solve all your problems. I had two people tell me that that would get fixed really fast if you just spanked her. And yeah, I wouldn't say hostile anti sentiment, but more confusion than anything else. [00:17:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Tod. [00:17:28] Speaker C: Yeah. And I would say that especially if you have children that have experienced trauma, I think there's even additional levels of confusion as to why people just can't understand why the reactions to like, no, you can't line up at the door right now. You have to wait your turn to go home to see your mom and dad. Why that would trigger a young child to absolutely active normally have a really strong fight reaction. That's really strange. So how do you handle that? Just like what Evan's saying, you have to acknowledge how they're feeling before you go and levy some kind of a, like, don't you know how they're disrupting the do? I absolutely know just that kind of stuff. Additional confusion around that, I would say. [00:18:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:32] Speaker C: Got to navigate. [00:18:34] Speaker A: Yeah. I think those settings, when they're now our school settings or parents Day out or whatever it might be beginning to try and share information that's going to help them in those settings. We have been really fortunate that in our school setting that our kids have had a lot of teachers who really do care to learn and engage and try to understand how to help in those ways. But I know from other friends who have had the opposite experiences, that can be a huge challenge and sometimes putting the stress back on to the parents in that situation. The oldest is here. [00:19:18] Speaker B: You knew it was going to happen. [00:19:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I called it. I'm going to turn the camera on you. Yeah. Thank you. Real quick. Yeah. So I think when you get pushback from educators and you're doing the math and you're like, this person is going to have my child's attention for X number of hours a day, and if they're not on the same page with us, it's decision time. So we've been really fortunate in that regard that as teachers who have been really excited to try and learn and listen and incorporate some innovative things into the way they do their classrooms, but that's not the norm. So I think two more questions, and I think we can kind of wrap up here, but one of the questions I have for you guys as you're beginning to parent, you're getting on the same page as your spouse. What were some of the bigger challenges that you guys faced together relationally, as you were beginning to shift in your parenting mindset? [00:20:23] Speaker B: Think I came into parenting with a mixture of wanting to uphold a philosophy of parenting while at the same time living out a reaction from how I was parented. And that was really challenging for me because my wife came from a different house and we both had different families growing up, and so we were both operating as a reaction from the way we were raised, and it had nothing to do with our kids. We were trying to reverse raise ourselves into our kids. It's so upside down. But for us, it took a lot of conversations. A lot of conversations, and it was evident when we weren't on the same page because parenting was ten times harder and even our kids noticed it. Our kids would even say things like, you all stop fighting. Well, if you guys would make it easier, we wouldn't have to fight so much. It really took a lot we had a lot of late night conversations and repair that we had to do consistently. [00:21:53] Speaker C: JD, can you repeat the question there? I just want to make sure that my mind kind of went one way. [00:21:59] Speaker A: Yeah, well, just were there challenges relationally between you and your spouse when you guys started choosing to parent this way? Like, were there things that became more difficult for you guys or particular points that were harder to get on the same page in? [00:22:12] Speaker C: Yeah, points that were harder to get on the same page. I would just say for me, it was hard to really have patience around helping, like making sure that the child felt understood first. It really kind of graded at my patience to just continue to explore and probe and try to listen and well, how was that? What was it that caused that? And just kind of trying to figure out what are the right words to kind of explore these things and leave it open ended and let them talk. It was just hard to figure that out. Yeah, I would say those are some of the harder things. Again, just like what we've been talking about it's overcoming yourself and your own ruts and your own flipped lid reactions and bad habits to getting to a point where you can actually have a child feel like they're being heard and felt and understood. [00:23:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:28] Speaker B: Even to I remember one of the things that we struggled with early on was discipline and this idea that we were letting our kids get away with things. And so I had it ingrained in me, in my brain that it was the right thing to do. It was judicious, and if I'm letting kids get away with this, then I'm doing a disservice. And it came out of a lot of fear in myself. It was really kind of where the roots are for all of that. But that was really difficult for me and my wife to get on the same page for because she was really kind of the front runner with a more connected mentality with our kids, thankfully. I'm so thankful for her, but it took me a long while to realize that all of it was really my own junk that was getting in the way of helping support my kids and then helping them grow to be healthy adults. [00:24:51] Speaker A: Right? Yeah. That's a really hard thing to get over. And I think one of the things that I struggle with the most that I wasn't able to name at first was this idea that you said something about being judicious, and mine was, I think, a little bit more superficial. It was like, people are going to think I'm a bad parent. What kind of dad am I if I can't lay a heavy hand to keep my home in order? Instead, I have a kid losing it in Target and I'm supposed to then get on their level and talk to them in a calm voice and all that. And I thought, yeah, right, everyone's going to think I'm a sucker. There's no way I'm doing that. And over time, that mentality has flipped to go, well, if I'm so self conscious about what other people think, that I'm unwilling to love my child where they're at and give them what they need to be able to then feel safe and begin to heal and thrive in life, then I have no business parenting anyways. Right. So it's flipped to now I'm thankful that there's sort of a point of pride if something goes down in public. I feel tuned in now to be able to get down, drown out other eyeballs and voices, and the voices come the advice comes freely in those moments from people, especially people we don't know. They're going to be like, you know what, if you would just and I'm like, if you would just back up before I smack you, I'm not connected parenting you, okay? But in those moments when stuff goes down, I think I've finally got ingrained in my head now. The consequences of me acting embarrassed of my child or being unwilling to go there with them in a moment of great fear for them or meltdown for them, they far outweigh the consequences of some guy saw my kid losing it and thinks less of me now in Target and I'm thankful to be in that place again. That doesn't make a meltdown any easier to handle, right? We were able to witness one from a distance the other day at Putt Putt, and it was indoor glow in the dark blacklight Putt Putt. Which, you know, if there is a kid that has any sensory issues, you are walking them into Dysregulation. You're like, hey, would you like to go? Feel like you're out of control for 4 hours and you could kind of see it going? Being able to watch another kid have a meltdown and then that parent kind of do the walk of shame out. Be like, hey, we got to get out in some daylight and get in the open air for a second and recalibrate ourselves. It was awesome to watch this other and I mean we're out of town. I don't know who this person is but handled like a champ, was clearly furious. scrabbed the kid walked out, they got out, they were able to get in the same page again, walk around for a few minutes and came back in regulated. And those moments I think for me stand out because of this deep fear inside of being thought less of by other people, right? And so had I not done the work and I don't mean to sarcastically have my wife to be able to point out those things in me like well, this is why you're just scared what people think of you. And I'm like I am not. And then you start to look into it and it's like well, that's 100% what this is. And so discovering that and then being able to be conscious of that helps me in those moments to overcorrect and not overcorrect to overcome that fear in a way that I feel like I wasn't able to before. Maybe that kind of leads to the last question I have for you guys. That particular point of advice has come in really handy for me with other dads who might be struggling with this transition with some conversation if I notice that I obviously am keenly aware of what it looks like and sounds like because that's something I struggle with too. So I've been able to speak into that a little bit more. What do you feel know your advice would be for other dads who are maybe dipping their toes in the water here and they're kind of like either Tyler you talked about, this is not how this one is done in the home. Or Evan, you talked about, this is not right, it's unfair. This is not how kids are allowed to act in life. So we can't let it happen in this house. What would your advice be for some parent, especially dads who are beginning to dip their toes in this water and might be a little skeptical? [00:29:23] Speaker B: I think ultimately, for me, one of my biggest gut checks coming into. [00:29:33] Speaker A: A. [00:29:34] Speaker B: More connected parenting style with my kids is that I'm parenting my kids, and I have three, and they're very different kids, each of them. And so there's no easy button for parenting. There's no one size fit all. I have to parent all three of them differently. And that was the reality check that I had to have. I was looking for an easy button, and there just isn't one. [00:30:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Tod, any advice from you? [00:30:10] Speaker C: Well, I mean, if this is a plug for why to do mean, I think I have two that just are huge. I would say the first one is and kind of unexpected. When we started getting into these classes, just like what Evan was talking about, you start realizing your own baggage that you're bringing into know, you start to ask those questions, is this what you're talking about? Or is this what you're seeing? Or is this kind of why this could be happening? And you start to go down those paths and get curious. And for me, my wife actually started to feel like she was being heard. And when your spouse can feel like they're not carrying along a spare tire with the dad, they feel relief because they feel like they have a partner to be able to actually help them. And that went a long ways in the grace she gave me, and she got a lot more she kid gloved me, I would say, too, so that I could kind of stabilize myself, mature, educate myself, and then start to baby practice these steps and baby implement stuff. And sometimes like, this is right. [00:31:45] Speaker A: This is okay. [00:31:45] Speaker C: Is that right? [00:31:46] Speaker A: Right. [00:31:47] Speaker C: But the unity that our relationship was starting to have was just a benefit that I never anticipated from it. So being on the same page, pulling in the same direction, just like what everyone saying, too. It's like, can you all stop fighting? It felt and looked like teamwork. [00:32:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:32:13] Speaker B: Second that because it's so helpful for us to have the same playbook, to use the same vocabulary. I think that's one things I loved about, etc. Is because it gave us tools that we can implement and have the same strategies that we both could utilize. [00:32:31] Speaker C: Yeah. And even troubleshoot. I'll just add that to it. Evan. I mean, to have the same language, to say, what's going on here? Like, is it this or could it be that? Or, okay, I'll shoot that person an email and see if I can find a little more information there, even to troubleshoot stuff. I just feel like we had problems off at the past with setting expectations or maybe some preparation and transition or a number of things, but that's definitely a great point. And then finally. It's the relationship. Our kids are our mission as dads. Come on. Come on, boys. The charge is clear. We are to be men. We're to be men of our homes. And that doesn't necessarily mean that it's always with an iron fist. In fact, never. Because that's not how our father has been a father to us. I mean, he's been gracious, he's been patient, and it's been modeled for us and for us. I feel like this is how our Heavenly Father fathers us. And you get to a point where you mature enough, you do actually realize that when you have relationship, you don't need all the rules. You really don't. You become much more of a coach rather than some kind of a policeman. [00:34:03] Speaker A: Yeah, man. And that shift feels like the weight of 1000 pounds off your shoulder. When you can begin to feel that way, where the language turns from, like, why did you do that? I know you did that to all right, hey, come on. Is that the way we do things? Come on, you know this. And there's an acknowledgment on the other side of like, there's guard down. I'm like I know. I'm sorry. And then you have skipped over hours of drama and frustration and gray hairs or hairs lost or whatever the case may be. Because there's a relationship there to be able to have that shared understanding and to know if I call a kid on this and they know that they're now not on trial and having to stare a life sentence in the face, they can come to you and say, yeah, here's what happened. And then you have a totally even starting point to go from. And so that is huge. Like, having that relationship is everything. Guys, thank you for jumping on. I mean, we'll do more episodes like this where we know dads talk about different issues, but I appreciate you guys jumping on the first one. [00:35:14] Speaker B: Thank you. Absolutely. [00:35:16] Speaker C: Thank you. [00:35:21] Speaker A: And again, I just a huge thank you to Evan and Todd. Great guys, enjoyable conversation and just easy, easy to talk to. And there is something about being able to talk to folks who are walking that same road that you are. And so it was enjoyable getting to talk with Evan and Tod for a few minutes. And so big thank you to them for jumping on with us. Hopefully, first of many episodes like this where we'll talk with other dads who are out, kind of really trying to live this thing out and what they're finding things are struggling with, things they're succeeding in, I think it's helpful for not just dads, but for everybody to hear. So hopefully that was helpful for you as well. One thing I want to remind you about is you have been hearing us talk at length about our upcoming event, Investing in Hope, which is happening in Memphis, Tennessee, november twelveTH. It is a fundraiser for Empower to connect in a way for us to both share the word of what we're doing as an organization. Kind of the future of what, etc. Looks like, where we're going in the future. Also just a way to enjoy a great night together of laughing with our friend Nate Bargatzi who is coming to be with us. And so Nate's going to come and bring a brand new hour of stand up comedy that the world has not seen yet. And so an unreleased hour of content from Nate. Time for us to be able to share our vision, our future with you guys. And a way for us to be able to raise some much needed money to be able to begin fueling these missions we've got going forward in both Memphis, Tennessee, the state of Tennessee and across the entire world. And so very excited to share all that with you on Sunday, November twelveTH. To find more information to get tickets, you can go to empoweredtoconnect. Orginvestingith and get your ticket there. You can click the link in our show notes below. And we've also had the question, hey, what if we want to support but we can't actually make the trip in that night? Is there a way for us to kind of buy a ticket for somebody else like that? Yes, there is a way. You can make a donation straight up to the event. To that end, you go to empowertudoconnect.org, investigate up and just make sure that you select the menu that says I cannot attend the event but I would like to give. And so it's a huge blessing for us. This next year is going to be our biggest year yet and we are both at equal parts terrified and just chomping at the bit, ready to get going. And so some big, big stuff on the horizon from us. We're excited and humbled at what we're getting to do right now, we can do in the future. Super excited to have Nate argues with us and to get to spend time with him. And so if you want to join us, please do. Sunday, November, twelveTH. Memphis, Tennessee. The Peabody Hotel, six to 08:30 P.m.. Come have dinner, have drinks on us and get to laugh at a hilarious hour of comedy and support an organization that is working around the globe. And so hope to see you there. For everybody here at Empowered To Connect, for Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio. For Ted Jewett who's the creator of the music behind the Empowered to Connect podcast, and everybody here at ECC, I'm JD. Wilson and we will see you next week on the Empowered to Connect podcast.