Carpool Q&A [E6] Why is Competition So Hard for my Kiddo!?

[00:00:10] Speaker A: All right, welcome to Carpool Q A, where we give you one conversation, one topic, to get you from point a to point b. And so I'm JD Wilson. Tana Odinger is here. So is Becca McKay. And today, Tana, it's your turn to throw out a topic for us. So Tom is going to throw out a topic, and we're going to discuss. [00:00:27] Speaker B: Okay, so my topic today is why is it difficult for some children, and I would also maybe say some adults, not me, of course, to have a difficult time accepting no. So I am thinking about, I don't know, many times I have found myself in the aisles of target, and they want the big thing. And I'm thinking about, like, I want the 100,000 piece, massive, huge, hot wheels, loop de loop thing. And really, I came in with, like, $5. It'll buy me a hot wheel car. And what I really want is the loop de loop, and that's outside. And mom and dad have to say no, and there's a meltdown at target. I mean, that scenario 1 million times over in 1 million different ways in space. So let's talk about. It's hard to accept no. [00:01:27] Speaker A: It is. [00:01:30] Speaker B: And we're like, you all have a great week. It's hard to take no for an answer. [00:01:39] Speaker A: This is similar to some other. Similar to a lot of the conversations we have. Some of it depends on your wiring, on your background, on your history. I think for this goes without saying, hopefully, if you're listening to this, you know this. But for any of our kids who have experienced early trauma, stress, adversity, loss, for any of those factors early on, we know that that heightens the stakes in these kind of conversations. It elevates the meaning to the kid. And that's a neuroscience thing. That's not a kid trying to be difficult thing. Brain chemistry changes with trauma. And so the beautiful thing is brain chemistry can also change through parenting. Right? So we want to figure out, why is this thing happening? What's the kind of root trigger of it? And then how can we help support them in figuring it out? And so that's the only contribution I can make to this conversation, because I feel like I am always in the tough waters of, like, early on, I was way too permissive, and the meltdown would come and I would just be ready for it to be done, and I would just be like, well, we're not getting 100,000 piece thing. We're going to get the 30,000 piece thing. That's $20. And you give me your $5. I'm just not even going to tell you it's a different cost and we're just going to buy it because I'm so sick of this meltdown right now and it perpetuated way worse. So that's not the answer. [00:03:03] Speaker C: Well, the why? [00:03:05] Speaker B: Vulnerability. JD, hold on. Becca, just. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing that. Because I think that's a very common parenting thing. You find yourself stuck in a cycle, maybe with a particular child or two that may, you know, that they have a hard time when the way they have in mind isn't going that way. It does put us in a sticky spot as parents because sometimes the path of least resistance is either to give them the thing they wanted or to find some sort of a compromise that you still don't feel great about, but it helped you get out of the moment. So I think we can all relate to that. So I think thank you for bringing up that very real reaction because. Same. And I think that's why it's good for us just to step back and talk about it because we're going to do that still. We are going to. It's like a survival thing. Like, I need to survive target. I've got to get home or pick up a kid. We got to get out of here. And my time and energy is limited, so I need to just move us forward. So I honor you saying that. Same. And I'm sure most everybody listening can give a time when they've done that. Okay. Sorry, Becca, you were going to take us. [00:04:22] Speaker C: No, I think. Please. I think accepting no is hard because time is hard. So it feels like forever. Like getting a no right now feels like I'm never going to get to have or do or say or be like, we're talking about stuff. But also kids have to receive a lot of other no's they have to receive. No, we can't do that right now. No, you can't talk to that person right now. Or like, no, we can't have a sleepover. [00:04:53] Speaker B: No, you can't have a cell phone yet. [00:04:55] Speaker C: No, you can't have a cell phone yet. No, you can't have this dessert before dinner. Kids have to experience lots of no's. Many of those. Maybe you have a kid who's not super motivated by stuff, so you're not relating to the target example. I bet you still relate to the overall topic. I bet you still have had a time when a kid in your life has been not happy about hearing no. And I think it's because it feels like it's forever. I think it's because limits don't feel good to human people. And I think it's because it's much easier to think about ourselves and what we want and what feels good to us than to think about what's around us, the environment, the demands of the environment, all that stuff. So I think you said it, Tana. It's hard for people to accept. No, we get maybe better at it with time and with practice and with support and with maybe some understanding. But it's hard. It is so hard because you have to delay that gratification or that impulse or whatever else is going on inside of you that really wants a yes. [00:06:01] Speaker B: So let's think about with this particular topic, like a few strategies and suggestions or things that we could have in our repertoire of practices that could help us navigate the moment, like JD said, so that we don't necessarily cave, if you will. And or we have some ideas of how to either build capacity for the child, which again, I think it goes without saying. It so depends on the age and stage and developmental, like how you support a teenager or a tween that's disappointed that it's not time for the smartphone is really different than how you support the three year old that can't have the Lego set at target or whatever. But what's our philosophies, sort of the things that we want to hold as our foundational ideas and concepts to support a kiddo that ultimately what it is is they are having a difficult time with disappointment or JD. Like I liked how you said the stakes are higher if they have life experiences that they're bringing to bear in the moment. So it could be an inability to handle disappointment. There could be some history that's coming know. Or like you said, becca, it's a concept of like, it really does feel very real and urgent to them. How do we honor the child and the integrity and authenticity and realness of their feelings while moving through the moment. So what would be some things we could do? Proactively support the moment, or proactively before the moment and responsively in the moment. What comes to mind? [00:07:49] Speaker C: The first one that comes to my mind is say yes when you can and no when you need to. So if you're really resonating, you clicked on this episode because this is a daily battle for you. First thing I would say is just give yourself permission to say yes. Not like JD said, not say no, then change it to a yes. But from the beginning of the day, what can I say yes to? And you might notice that you're saying yes out of convenience instead of necessity. [00:08:17] Speaker B: And so be willing to convenience and necessity. Sorry, Becca, you might be so sorry. [00:08:24] Speaker C: You might be saying no out of convenience instead of necessity. So be willing to flip that script a little bit and be willing to say yes when you first. That's the first thing that comes to mind, which is know. Okay, Becca, but you're not telling me what to do when I do have to say no. [00:08:40] Speaker B: Can I just say maybe what's happening? And why would we do that if we are trying our hardest to say yes when we can? We are building up their little yes tank, if you will. My life is not full of disappointment. My life is full. And I know this can seem so melodramatic, so just, like, hang with me because I hear it. My life's not full of disappointment. My life is full of hope and possibility. My life is full of. I can use my voice and negotiate not just my wants, but my needs and desires when possible. They are having that be their normal experience. They can use their voice, has power and influence and capability. So when you say yes, when you can, over time, you're building up. The brain is wiring around hope and possibility, not disappointment. How do you support the no? [00:09:34] Speaker A: Yeah, well, you're building trust, because I would imagine telling your kids that you love them, telling your kids that you want the best for them, and that all those things that parents say, trying to assure their kids they're safe and that they're loved and their needs are taken care of and all of that. But if you genuinely believe that, then you want the best opportunities for your kids in those moments. And so the way that translates to a kid often is you say that, but you say no about everything. And so when you can find ways to give yeses, it takes a pause at first. When you first start doing this, you're going to have to make yourself take. It's not an awkward pause, but make yourself take the unnecessary seeming pause to go, does this really have to be a no right now? Is there a way I can give a yes to this? Like, hey, yes, we can do this. We've got about ten minutes before we have to leave. Let's do the crap out of this for the next ten minutes, and then we'll get out of here. Right? So looking for those yeses helps to build trust, and being able to give some yeses with an asterisk nest them is going to also help a lot, too, because sometimes you just can't do what you're being asked to do, but you could do a modified version of it so you can offer that to them as a compromise. And it's teaching them how to negotiate as well. Right. [00:11:07] Speaker B: So let's talk about that a little bit more. What about when it really does need to be a, like, what are some things that we could keep in mind, JD, you say like with an asterisk, which I think sometimes I kind of think about it as hope deferred, which you have to keep your word. So you're sort of honor bound to say, sweetie, I know it would be really fun if we to go to that sleepover or go to the mall right now or run through mcdonald's drive through or whatever the request is. And you know, if we could do that, I would. That's not going to be something we can do today, but we can do it x tomorrow, put on the calendar this weekend, make a plan. So it's not just this harsh. No. It's entertaining their desires and wants. I think they feel seen and it's hope deferred. So that's a way to say no while still thinking about the possibility of that for them. I will go back to my little target example. That's the time when I'd pull out my camera and be like, take a picture and put it on your Christmas wish list. Or let's start saving our allowance. Or let's build up for that. Or let's talk about that next Friday and see if it's still something you really wanted. Or just entertain their little hearts. [00:12:26] Speaker C: I think you're also describing kind of a yes sandwich. [00:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah, we could talk about that. [00:12:31] Speaker C: No, not right now. Let's think about putting it on the Christmas list or your birthday or saving up. I think yes sandwich is a good way to kind of think about that. What can you say yes to? And then what's that no in the middle? The no is no. Right now we're not walking home with the 100,000 piece lego set. But what are the yeses? That couch. That can kind of soften it a little bit. Go ahead and say, I have one more thought. But Jd, say what you were going to say first. [00:13:01] Speaker A: We've used the camera deal before. Hey, that sounds like a great deal. Once we get this close to Christmas, we don't want to ruin it for you. So take a picture and let's put that on your list. The other thing I think I was going to say is when you're having to give a no, be as specific as you possibly can about why so that they can see the logical reason to it. And then if it's at all possible in that moment or the immediate following moments, if it's something you can reschedule, schedule it. Right. You know what, budy? We actually have to get your sister to practice right now. And so if we went right now, we wouldn't be able to really do it the way we should. Saturday afternoon. We have nothing going on. Do you want to use my phone? Let's go buy tickets right now to that movie or to the putt putt or whatever. I hope they're not listening because I don't want to go to Putt putt. But you could schedule it so that there's a, like you said, hope deferred, but it's hope confirmed, right? It's a confirmed deferral. [00:14:04] Speaker B: I love that. [00:14:05] Speaker A: I get accused a lot of like, oh, you say we're going to do that, but we never actually do. So I have to be careful of trying. [00:14:11] Speaker B: You have to put a pin in it. You have to put it on the calendar and pin. [00:14:14] Speaker A: Or I have to have this one to not say, oh, maybe we can do a Saturday when I know Saturday is the land. [00:14:21] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that, man. [00:14:25] Speaker C: Okay, I'm trying to wrap up my couple of thoughts here. So one of them is, sometimes it does have to be a no, and it's going to be hard and sad, and that's okay. Sit with them. We talk a ton on this podcast about co regulation. It's okay for kids to feel disappointed, and it's okay if that doesn't feel so great to them, and it's okay if that makes them upset. I think a lot of us were brought up in kind of. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. And if you have listened to us long about our attachment styles, that's a little bit dismissive. So we can instead be present with our kids. We can sit with them while they're sad about the no. And then I think my last little push here for the people to think about as they walk away is if you're in a season where your kids are just, you feel like this is not a one off. This is not one time in target. This is like, anytime I'm saying no, it is not going well. I'm kind of on fire here. Try practicing outside the moment. Make accepting no into a game. Hey, I'm going to hold this bag of your favorite whatever Halloween candy that we've got left over. That's like sitting in a hole on top of the fridge. Pull it out. I want you to ask me, and sometimes I'm going to say yes. And sometimes I'm going to say no. Let's see how that feels to you, and let's talk about it and let's practice it. Let's practice accepting no. That's one silly example for maybe a younger kid. But if it's a constant pause, practice that skill outside of those stressful moments. Don't wait till you're in target to pull out the lectures and the ideologies and all those types of things. [00:16:02] Speaker B: Yeah. And maybe suspend judgment. Can I say that again? I think last couple of times on this carpool Q and a little segments of just. They're not bad kids because they're upset. It takes so many skills to get. You get what you get and don't throw a fit. I love that, becca. Like, come on. I want my kids to be able to say to me when they're older, hey, this isn't really going well in my life, and disappointed. And that skill and open conversation is held when they're young and not getting what they want. And so just a little hug and a reassurance. Hey, bubs, I know that's disappointing and sad. Are you feeling sad about that? Or whatever? Is age appropriate to hold them? And what I appreciated about your vulnerability at the jump, JD, is you're actually not building that skill by just giving in. [00:16:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:57] Speaker B: So you're just giving in at that point, right. Actually holding the no and sitting present in it and letting the moment play out and get big if it needs to. To regulate them together is building capacity and resilience and connection and skill. And you're helping them know they can survive. They can survive disappointment, and you set with them in it. And that is such a beautiful, well said. Tricky, tricky, tricky. But we can do it. [00:17:29] Speaker A: Kim. [00:17:30] Speaker B: I'm telling myself that Tana Odinger, you can handle being told no. I don't know if that's true, but I'm going to tell myself it is. Hey, I appreciate y'all. [00:17:41] Speaker A: Yeah, likewise. Likewise. All right. For Tana. For Becca. I'm JD. We'll see you next week on carpool Q.