[E237] When You’re New to Supporting a Foster or Adoptive Family

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. To the Empowered to Connect podcast where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Hello, everyone. Back with Tana Becca. I'm Jesse. And today we want to talk about what if you are a family member or a friend or even, you know, a community team member who is desiring to walk alongside an adoptive or foster family, maybe even for the first time. If you're new to this, what is some advice that we could pass along? So I would like to start by just. I know in one of our recent episodes, Tana mentioned someone who left a meal in her outdoor freezer every single Monday. And I was thinking about that being just such a beautiful example of community and support. And I'd love to know what are some meaningful things that just off the bat that you can remember people doing for you in the early days of your first placement? I will say this actually wasn't my first placement. It was our second child. But for us, and I'll give y' all thinking time, we, our adoption was so last minute, like very fast paced. And we were going, it was expedited. And so family and friends didn't have time to host anything to support us, like a baby shower or even setting up a meal train or anything. They just knew that we were going, going, going so fast. And so somebody put together something and people just started sending us gift cards. And that was so amazing. Like, we had Target gift cards that I remember taking a stack of Target gift cards and then just buying all the baby stuff we needed that we didn't yet. I mean, we had a good amount from, from our first kiddo, but that kind of thing, or like the, the fast food restaurant gift cards, those were lifesavers for us. Just because those days of, you know, going back and forth and trying to gather paperwork and getting ready to leave for an international trip, we were needing all of that. So I remember that being amazing. [00:02:26] Speaker B: What about y'? [00:02:26] Speaker C: All? [00:02:26] Speaker B: And then you pass it on to me. You set up a gift card meal train for us when we were in the nicu. And it was super, super helpful because we were in the nicu. There's actually, I think, I don't think I'm mistaken in saying two of our friends came to the hospital. They didn't go upstairs with us because they weren't allowed to. They met us in the lobby. One just prayed with us and he did that twice. And he just came when he knew we were both there. And we stepped down to the lobby and he Literally just prayed with us, and it was, like, really meaningful. And when I, like, go back to the hospital and see the little chapel, I still remember those moments. And then the other was a good friend of mine who just showed up with Chick fil a breakfast, and she was like, I know you're here. I can leave it with the front desk lady or I can sit here with you. And I was like, you know what? I actually really need to sit with someone today. So I took a 20 minute break from sitting upstairs and I just came downstairs. And that was really meaningful. And then once she came home, it was a little bit more of the traditional, like, meal train was really helpful. Oh, here's another one. Did not expect to have a micro preemie baby. And so we had a lot of clothes, but nothing small enough. And one of our friends. [00:03:39] Speaker A: No, you're a newborn giant. [00:03:41] Speaker B: It was so big. [00:03:42] Speaker C: Yeah, it was so cute. [00:03:45] Speaker A: Everyone had done that. They gave newborn clothes, and then your child couldn't wear them yet. [00:03:51] Speaker B: So we had one friend who. Her baby was born a little bit early, and so she had this small, small Aldi bag of preemie clothes. And we. We bought maybe one other thing other than that bag. And that's what. That's what our baby wore for her. Like, when she was allowed to wear clothes at first. You can't when you're that little. But when she was allowed to, we didn't have to buy any clothes. We had everything we needed from that friend who was like, hey, people gave us this. But she grew out of it so fast. And so here's. And she. My schedule was chaotic and she said, it's on your porch. Like, she just like, you're saying, Tana, about the person who left the meal for you. Like, didn't expect me to engage or, like, have a lot. Like, have a big conversation. She didn't ask me when and could I come pick it up. She just said, hey, there's a bag on your porch. And every picture we have of our baby at that age, I'm like, oh, that was from that friend. Like, all of them, all the clothes. So sweet. [00:04:46] Speaker C: Community and, like, tangible needs is such a lifesaver. And I feel when I think back about my parenting journey, I feel so needy. What's coming up for me is, like, I had so many needs in so many ways and places and spaces for so many years. Some of that is because we walked a long health journey, a long, long road of need. One of our kiddos was in the hospital for, like, 200 days. One year we were in the hospital a lot and there was a lot of unknowns. And then we just had a lot of need. And we had so many people love us and take care of us during those seasons of need in lots of different ways. So y' all mentioned there was one lady at our church that just. We had an outdoor shed with a freezer, and she put a meal in it every Monday. Didn't. And I just knew I could walk out there at any point, sometime after 3, and it would be there ready for me. We had people come and mow our yard without being asked. We had. I remember one time early on was just when we had the two, two oldest kids. I was new. New to mommying times two quick. Within four months, we got both of our older kids within four months of each other. And somebody called and said, hey, I'm running into, like, maybe it was Sam's. What size diapers do your kids wear? I mean, I didn't even really know her, but she must have just thought about us and just bought me two huge cases of diapers and dropped them off at my front porch. I mean, on and on and on. There was a year that we. In our community here in Memphis, for About the last 15 years, we've done something called Red Tub Day. And it's where we gather and rally the community to provide Christmas for kids in foster care. And I could give a lot more details about that. If that piques your interest and you want to know more about it, you can literally visit our website. Not to do a plug, but I have a reason for sharing this. So you can just go to redtubday.com and learn more and happy to help you if you're interested in starting something like that in your own community. But I'm coming around to something. We had done that for years and years and years for other people's kids. And I had a church call us one time and say, hey, we're thinking about y' all and we want to do Red Tub Day for your kids. And there was a church in town that gathered up a small group and they did Red Tubs for the Odinger kids. And, you know, just. Just all kinds of different things that I'm going to get a little emotional, like financial gifts. We've done yard sale fundraisers for our adoptions and just had, you know, thousands of items given. And we've had people help us with our medical, you know, finances and thousands of meals brought to our family. I had a church, a different church in town, helped Pay for a nanny to come and take care of my kids for a month when we were inpatient. Like, there are so many ways that people have taken care of us. And it is so hard for me as an enneagram mate to be taken care of. So it has been an act of humility and vulnerability, which I shared some of this and maybe one of our last episodes. It just takes a lot to receive care, but it's actually a sign of healthy attachment to give and receive care. So parents, if it's difficult for you to receive care, practice growing in your own attachment style and your own willingness to express needs. But there are just unimaginable ways that you can provide care. I had one lady email me a prayer every week. She emailed, she's like, tana, I know you're deep in it and you don't have time, so I'm going to pray on your behalf and hear what I think the Lord wants you to hear. And she would send me a scripture and a small prayer by email every single week for years and years and years. So there is nothing too small for sure. [00:09:05] Speaker A: I. I remember having, Tony, you were in this group, a small group of prayer warriors, basically that when we were doing a medical expedite adoption, I mean, it was miraculous thing after miraculous, miraculous thing. But before it was a miraculous thing, it was a need for a miracle. And I would literally just text people all day long, I need this. And I would just say the impossible thing that was needed next. And then I knew that that group of whatever it was, 10, 12 people were praying about it. And I upgraded a phone, you know, a couple years after that. And I just remember like having to make more room on the phone. And I was like, well, I can't get rid of those texts. Those texts are like, you know, everything, Deepest heart. They're everything. Yes. Okay, so we're naming, just even in as we think about our, our people supporting us, we're naming some really practical things. So let's keep talking about that and I guess maybe the encourage I would encouragement I would give. If you're a family, a friend, a community member thinking about supporting a family is that showing up practically often matters more than anything you could say. Right? Like, um. And I'm going to count that as even the thing things people said that was showing up practically as well with [00:10:30] Speaker C: the prayers and with the encouragement. [00:10:32] Speaker A: Right. So anyways, what are some things that people can be thinking about that may not first come to mind when they think about supporting practically? [00:10:41] Speaker C: I mean, I can give Some more examples, because I feel like I've had two decades to bear witness. Like, what does it mean to be supported in community? So I'm going to just share a few more because maybe it'll spur some other ideas. We were on our way home from one of our international trips, and it came. Maybe the travel came a little faster than I thought. I didn't leave my house in this, like, clean a state as I would have liked. So I had some friends message and say, hey, we're going to go over and clean your house. We know that's going to make you really uncomfortable, but we're going to do it anyway. I was horrified. Well, what happened when they walked into my house? I don't know if any of y' all have ever experienced this, but here it is. We had two large labs, and we had never had what I would call a flea problem, ever, because we had two dogs. I'm certain they had little fleas, but, like, I'd never seen a flea in my house. Well, apparently, if you take all the people and the animals out of a home and you leave it empty for two weeks, the fleas have nothing to do except make flea babies. And so my friends came over to clean my house, and they were like, by the way, it is infested with fleas again. I had never seen a single flea. Two weeks later, the babies. There were flea babies everywhere. So in my absence, unbeknownst to me, they hired an exterminator to come over and, like, bomb my house. Get it? Completely. I'm bebopping back from an international trip, having none, being none the wiser that I actually had a flea infestation in my absence. Right? That is. That's, like, real love. And that. What a. I mean, I'm sure I was horrified, humiliated, devastated. All the things that y', all, as my friends could imagine I would be feeling in that moment. But what love and care just literally bombed the fleas. I had another friend that would come over. She had kids a little older. Her kids were in school. She's like, whether you like it or not, I'm coming over and I'm washing some of your laundry. You don't have to talk to me. Just gonna go wash some clothes, gonna fold them, gonna put them away. I had another friend who sort of gave me her teenage daughter for, like, three months as a little mommy's helper. Cause I was in the throes of things. I was homeschooling. I had little ones. She's like, I would love for her to learn. You don't just. I just want her to come over and be your mommy's helper. So I had a little teenage gal that came over and mommy helpered me for a while. I mean, I could go on and on and on about the love that we have received over the last two decades. Super practical laundry. [00:13:11] Speaker B: I want to jump in on that and say we had a little bit of a heads up of when we thought she would be coming home. And one day I was just panicking and a friend who I had not really even kept in good contact with, but we had been really close at one time she happened to check on me and I was having a really anxious day and I was worried about this, that and the other. She showed up the next Saturday and she installed the car seat in my car. She installed the mirror. She went into the kitchen and made space for the bottle sterilizer and the bottle thing station. And she just. And I was there. I was doing nothing helpful. I was just sitting there and she was just little fairy, just like moving around, just doing things. And she was like, well, where's your crib? And we got that together. And then she's like, but she'll probably be in a bassinet at first, so give me that too and let me get that set up. And she just did it and then like left. And it was a few hours on a Saturday. I didn't ask her to specifically do any of those things. She just had. She just knew. She just knew what to do. And so that was really beautiful. And then on the flip side, a time when I was really honored to jump in and help was when a family did get the call, there's a baby in the hospital. They had three other kids at the time, three older kids at the time. And so I dropped everything and just went to their house and just sat with the three older kids so that they could go meet their baby and FaceTime and get to introduce the kids. And I don't remember if I spent the night that time, but when I was single, which shout out to my single people, you have a lot of ability to show up in ways that other people can't. And so you can go spend the night at a house when someone needs to spend the night at the hospital, or you can climb in the attic and get all the baby stuff down because the family wasn't expecting it to be this fast or you have a little bit more time sometimes than others. And so I think back to those single years and just like, what an Honor it was to be invited into families homes during that time and just try to help. And then my friend was not single, but she then did the same for me and she was a totally different friend, you know, so it's like this beautiful giving and receiving care. Yeah, love that. [00:15:23] Speaker A: I'm thinking about particularly medical needs. I've mentioned our youngest had some, had a significant surgery ahead of her. And when. When we adopted her and we partnered up with an organization that was kind of a fundraising org for transplant expenses. And the beautiful thing about this organization, I'll shout out to them, Cota, C O T A. They're amazing. If you are walking a transplant road, check them out. They're amazing. What they have the family do is identify somebody else in their community, in their circle that can head up the fundraising. And that was the hardest thing for me, y'. All. I just couldn't think about burdening someone with that. Like, oh, my gosh, how could I ever ask some. I'm doing this willingly. Like, why would I ask someone to take on this burden? And it took me, like, probably weeks and months to think about, like, who would I do this to? But we had a family that was kind of really championing us in that season with that adoption. And I got brave and I asked the person, like, would you be willing to be the team lead on this? And she was like, oh, my gosh, absolutely. You know, she took it on and then they added people to that team. Tana was on that team. [00:16:54] Speaker C: I just have to say, I remember maybe the first meeting at that person's house and you were not even there. [00:17:00] Speaker A: I was not even there. [00:17:01] Speaker C: We had the most fun thinking about what we were going to do to help you guys do the thing you were doing. And, like, we were. You gave us a gift to be able to have a little party about you without you. And it was lovely. [00:17:19] Speaker A: I mean, like, I'm tearing up thinking about it because they really did have so much fun, y', all, though. It was so much work. They did so much. There was like, even somebody getting like, comms spots on news shows for me to just show up with our kiddo and doing do news interviews to let them know about the fundraising. And I would just show up to these things. They'd be like this on this day, at this time, just be there. And then I would just show up or. Or they would do it without me. They were collecting all these things for a yard sale to raise money. They like, I mean, Tana, what were y' all, like, collecting it in A tractor trailer or something. [00:17:58] Speaker C: Yeah, we were. There was like a big, huge U haul and we would. We had a couple of drop spots around the were. We worked shifts and people just brought us stuff. It was so fun. [00:18:07] Speaker A: They got like, a nonprofit to host it one weekend. And, like, I think I showed up once. I showed up once to just say thank you. And I was amazed. Like, somebody from. Somebody from. It was my group leader for a Bible study I was in was serving a shift. Like, I didn't even know she knew about it. And my people had told my other people, and they just all showed up and showed up for us and didn't care whether we saw them do it or not. It was awesome. Anyways, I say all of that to say one of the best things that you can do for the family that, you know, is to advocate for them. Because I don't know if you've listened to the other episodes in this series, but one of the things that adoptive parents have to learn how to do is advocate for themselves and advocate for their child. And if you can find your sweet spot of championing, championing them and advocating for them, oh, my goodness, they will never forget it. I just think about that time period where you guys championed us and advocated for us, and I barely had to be aware of it. That was amazing. And I'm hearing some similarities in some of the things y' all are sharing. We all want to help with the new placement. We all want to help with the new baby or the new child or the new teenager. Like, that's the first place where our minds go and as friends and family and community members, like, because we love them and that's what's in our prayers and minds. You know, we're just thinking about them and we're thinking about their new family member. But it really, when you think about showing up, practically, it's anything but the baby. And I say that figuratively, you know, like, anything but the baby. If you can think about the meals, the laundry, the yard, the pets, the. All the things they're listing. [00:19:56] Speaker C: Fleas. [00:19:57] Speaker A: The fleas. You didn't know you were adopting fleas during that. [00:20:01] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:02] Speaker C: Yep, yep. [00:20:04] Speaker A: And. And doing it in a way that they don't have to ask again, like, they're having to advocate for every single thing they need, and they're going to learn how to do that. But if you can learn to do things without asking, not saying, just let me know if you need anything. That's like, that's the most unhelpful thing anyone can say. And I've said it so many times, right? Versus I remember a text I got from a friend that just literally said, texted me in the morning and said, there's chai on your doorstep. And she just like. And it wasn't even a huge thing. She planned. She had gone to Starbucks to get herself a chai. She got two and dropped one on my doorstep. [00:20:46] Speaker C: Was I eating? Jesse, you did that for me in the hospital. You lived close enough to the children's hospital. I would get texts from you that didn't say, hey, do you want dinner tonight? No, no, no, no. It was, hey, I'm at Starbucks. What's your order? So then I was either like, I don't have an order, which is not true, and you know that. And then the Starbucks would show up with the little bars and the magazine and the piece of chocolate and like, it just wasn't. You didn't ask me, you just did the things. [00:21:15] Speaker A: Don't ask, just do it. I mean, here's the thing that I want to encourage you all. Don't ask, just do it. But stay out of the way. [00:21:23] Speaker C: Right? Yes. Say more. Say more about that. [00:21:27] Speaker A: So when I say stay out of the way, I mean, we love our friends. We love our friends. But when you are in a season of intensity, when you are given everything to that baby in the hospital or that child in the hospital, the. The new placement that you're having to really give it your all at home, um, having someone that child doesn't know come on up into your space, that is disruptive, even if you love that person with all your heart. So if you can do something without having to ask, but stay out of the way, drop that meal in a cooler outside the door. Yeah, you want to meet that kid, but you don't have to meet him right then, right? Or drop the chick fil a at the desk. Like, I love that your friend gave the option. Becca. Like, do you need someone to sit with or can I just drop this at the desk? Um, that kind of stuff. Like, there's try on your doorstep. Thank you so much. Because who knows what state I was in that morning? Um, there's a freezer. You know, there's a meal in your freezer, that kind of thing. Versus when you're so exhausted and when you're in the middle of it, in the thick of it, a lot of times that like small talk chat, like put on the good face and nice cities, it is really hard. So you're giving them a gift by not having them have to do That y' all want to add anything to that? [00:22:48] Speaker B: I just want to say, when you say stay out of the way, I just want to say, stay out of the way of that new attachment relationship, meaning if this is your kid, if the older sibling is your kid's best friend, invite them over more than you have, like, movie nights, have them. So bring the other family members if you have that relationship already. If you don't, I would say be cautious because you don't want to put more stress on the sibling. But if you have a relationship where the oldest brother and your little buddy are best friends, lean into that and give them time to build that new attachment bond as parent, child, and give the siblings attention. Siblings a lot of times don't get a lot of intentional attention. I think one of the times with that same family that I was there, whenever they got the call a couple times throughout that summer, it was in the summertime, I would just take the big kids out for ice cream, and it was like an hour, but it was an hour of they're getting ice cream, they're getting attention, we're laughing, we're taking silly pictures. And it was just an hour, and it was giving everybody a little bit [00:23:53] Speaker A: of space versus you weren't like, can I take the baby out for ice cream? [00:23:58] Speaker B: Right. [00:23:58] Speaker A: Like, that would have been the opposite. You were doing. You were doing the support that you could do around that new placement. [00:24:06] Speaker B: Yep. [00:24:07] Speaker C: So many sweet little happies showed up on our door. For the siblings of the kiddo that was in the hospital, the activities that came, the big boxes of puzzles, fun new little happies to say that, hey, I see you as a family walking through this. I do remember one young mom, and this was a. Like, I knew we were good enough friends. Right. And I was like, I think what I'm going to do today is I'm going to come over and you're going to go to bed after your hot, warm shower. Right. So just that, like, just. I'm going to just come sit in your house for three hours, and what's going to happen next is a shower and a nap. And I think you trust me enough to know I'll get you when I need you like that. So that's like kind of getting up in the way, but when you know you actually can. You're not new, you're not. You're not new to the family. So there's levels of. Of bossing you can do to a family in need. [00:25:00] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:25:01] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. [00:25:03] Speaker A: All right. I want to shift to another set of helping that often our friends and family and community members attempt. But we want to give some advice to you about and that is advice. Speaking of which, ironically, let's talk about giving advice as family, friends, community team members. When it comes to new placements in adoption, foster care, kinship care, [00:25:33] Speaker C: my first advice is if you've never walked the road, don't give any advice. The best thing you can do is practice curiosity and, you know, check in on them and how are you doing and maybe take a posture of learning like be willing to be willing to stay in a posture of there's probably a lot here I don't know and understand and I might never know and understand because I haven't walked it. But I have enough faith and trust in you that I will receive what you share with me and I will learn. [00:26:07] Speaker A: So say more about walking it. What qualifies as a shared experience? [00:26:15] Speaker C: Oh, that's a really good question. I mean, I think there is walking alongside it in some way that gives you like if meaning for. I'll give myself as an example. I have never brought in a teenage foster placement. Okay. Never. One of my dearest friends that I've had for almost 30 years is doing that right now and we talk almost every day and she's sharing with me most all that she's going through. So I'm bearing witness to it in close proximity. But this is not my Aunt Jan's uncle, so and so one time did this and this happened. But I would still hold my advice really loosely, right. I might try to connect them if they needed something. So I just think people don't always need our advice, especially in this day and age. If there is a family that needs something, they have access to it. Like this podcast. We have a lot of advice and thoughts on this podcast. If there is a new adoptive and foster family and they are wanting and seeking and needing support, they probably have access to it. So if they are asking you your advice, they don't need it. [00:27:33] Speaker B: That's really my thoughts about that Is like people that people love to give advice about parenting. Maybe more than most subjects, they love to give advice phrased as well. Here's what worked for me and if someone is asking you Before I became a parent, my sisters would call and say, what do you think about this situation? If someone's inviting advice, that's different. But most of the comments that come out that kind of end up doing more harm than good are when someone is just, oh, your kid isn't sleeping and they're four. Well if you did these three steps to sleep training that we did when our baby was six months old, you'll sleep beautifully. And it's like, okay, that's not helpful. And what it does unintentionally is it's kind of judgmental towards the parents. Like, parents are doing a lot of things. They're trying a lot of things. If they're sharing with you, my baby's not sleeping, and I'm exhausted. That is not them saying, what do you think I should do about it? That is them saying, I'm exhausted. [00:28:36] Speaker C: I just need somebody that knows me to be, like, empathize with me. Yeah. We're usually seeking empathy, not advice. Yes. [00:28:45] Speaker A: All right, here's the enneagram to reference for this episode in which I will tell you, I love to give advice. I'm helping host a podcast in which we do give advice. [00:28:58] Speaker C: Like, I love to give advice. [00:29:01] Speaker A: I love to teach people I love. But I'm. I'm thinking, I'm brainstorming while you guys are. Are talking, because I'm like, why? Why do I love to give advice so much? Here's why. I love to give advice, y'. [00:29:14] Speaker C: All. [00:29:15] Speaker A: I think it's a way of me saying, me, too, or I see you, or I love you, or probably most, most clearly, I care about what you need. The thing that I do with my advice often is making assumptions implicitly and automatically and subconsciously about what somebody else needs, and then acknowledging that through the way that I give advice. And I'm thinking, how many times have I given advice when actually it would have been so much more encouraging and validating for that person to just hear, I care about what you need or what you're going through matters to me. [00:29:59] Speaker B: You know, [00:30:02] Speaker A: that's probably a better posture. [00:30:04] Speaker C: So I think it can feel clunky, but I think we could do something like empathize and then ask. Like, ask, hey, do you want to brainstorm that a little bit? Do you want to kind of unpack that? You want to problem solve that? Because that's what I want to do. If I see a struggling parent, I do want to help them. Like, I want to alleviate a pain point. I want to come to the rescue. I've struggled for 25 years. Like, I needed. I needed some information I didn't have. I needed tips and strategies I didn't have. I needed to learn and grow. And so I do have a posture of thinking, well, everybody should learn and grow, and everybody needs help. But, like, they. They really do probably need empathy. Well, they not probably they need empathy first, and they might want to talk it out. Brainstorm. So in my friendships, it can feel kind of clunky, but we'll just share. And then we're usually like, hey, do you got any thoughts on that? Like, that's the invitation for feedback. Do you got thoughts on that? What do you think? Like, you can get into a normal rhythm. So if you're itching to give advice to somebody and they aren't, like, lobbing you a softball, then they don't want it. [00:31:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:31:20] Speaker C: And. Or you could say, hey, I've got some thoughts if you ever, you know, want to go to coffee, like, postpone it, put the ball in their court that you're there to talk through that and brainstorm if they ever want to. And then they will if they want it. [00:31:34] Speaker A: There's where the let me know if you need any thoughts can lay works. [00:31:39] Speaker B: Right. [00:31:42] Speaker A: I want to share this. There was a really, really tender time of my life where my youngest daughter had just had a liver transplant. We had spent one month in a different city while she was hospitalized. And then they wanted to keep us close to the hospital. So we were staying in the Ronald McDonald House near the hospital for four weeks after that transplant and away from our older child for the first two weeks. We brought. We went home. I went home in one round trip, got our older child, brought her back to the city, and she was with us those last two weeks. No, the last week, something like that. We all returned as a family, completely exhausted, giving 15 dosages of medications every day. And it's still brand new, so I'm having to set timers. I'm not remembering any of it. Got, you know, like, I'm re. I'm now entering parenthood again, re entering parenting of my older child who's gone through her own separate experience, is processing this whole thing together. We're a little bit shell shocked. The first day school starts. After coming home, I am going to pick my older child up from kindergarten. I have to park around the corner from the school to go walk to pick this child up. So I now, with this new, like, sutured child, you know, am like, carrying her to go to the pickup spot around the corner. And then it's. As I'm walking back to our car, somebody driving down the street slows down, rolls down her window and says, referring to my older child, those braids need to come out now. Okay, that's actually really helpful hair advice. And I'm a white mom, and my older child is black, and black hair. Care is really important. We know this. Like, yes, those braids needed to come out like now and probably three weeks before that. And that person did not know so many things, right? That person did not know that the baby I was holding had just had an organ transplant. She didn't know that I hadn't been with my child and was relying on other people to care for her hair over those weeks that I was apart from her. She didn't know that I was doing a superhuman feat just to get that kid to school for the day and then go pick her up, you know. So I say that to say, the advice you give may not be like that, but I want you to think about that experience I'm sharing because don't [00:34:35] Speaker C: be a drive by advice giver. Don't do drive by advice. It may not. [00:34:41] Speaker A: It might hit just like that for someone. [00:34:44] Speaker C: Don't do drive by advice circumstance, right? [00:34:47] Speaker A: Like, just let that be a cautionary tale to you, my friends. I do want to pull out one more thing when we talk about advice giving, which is behavior, because if you are new to supporting someone through adoption and foster care, let's give you a little bit of what you might be able to expect as a, as a, a bystander of what's going to be happening in the home. You want to start off with that, Becca? [00:35:16] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that in general, every family has a unique way of approaching behavior and parenting. But when we talk about adoption and foster care, we are acknowledging that all adoption and foster care involves some traumatic experiences that obviously varies. Case by case is very, very nuanced and complicated. But a lot of drive by parenting advice about behavior is like, well, if you'd just be a little bit more firmer, then little miss wouldn't think she gets her way all the time. Or well, if you would just, you know, I, back in my day, we didn't let kids talk to adults that way. Like, we just kind of lob these little jabs at parents and it's never appropriate. But when you add in the layer of trauma really does impact the whole human. It impacts us whether we're verbal or preverbal. It impacts us whether we're 2 days old or 14 years old or 18 years old. And so when you add that layer in parenting, a child who has been through trauma takes some specific strategies and skills. It just does. And when you are drive by advice lobbying, you're not, you're, you're not really acknowledging the nuance and complexity of that child's needs. So that would be kind of the frame I would give is just acknowledge what's true. I don't have all the answers. Acknowledge that, period. Maybe stop giving, drive by advice, period. Particularly, you see, let's just call it what you might see. You're walking past a family and to you it appears chaotic and disorderly. You don't know. Just like the young lady in the car didn't know, Jesse, about your backstory, you don't know that family's backstory and you don't know what it took for them to get to the grocery store for the week. So if you can just give less silent judgment or verbal judgment, more grace and compassion and maybe just acknowledge what you don't know, which is you probably, if you haven't done it or if it's not your field, you probably don't know the strategies that are needed in that kind of situation. [00:37:38] Speaker C: I know there are some awful people out there that are adopting and fostering for really bad, nasty reasons, and they are. They are harming children. Okay? I have met thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of adoptive and foster families, and I haven't met those people. So I just say that to say every single adoptive and foster family I have ever met started their journey with the best of intentions to do a fantastic job for the children that were coming into their home. They had the best of intentions. They had the biggest hopes. They want to be a safe place, a good parent, provide a loving home, and they are doing the best they can. And if you have not walked the road to understand how that feels like to be in that scenario, there are so many things you can do that are helpful and giving your advice and judging them is not on that list. It just isn't. You can come up behind them and be like, hey, sweetie, I see that things are maybe going a little hard. You want me to push your buggy so you can hold your baby? I mean, I'm just talking about the grocery store example. There are so many lovely, tangible. I mean, I got emotional at the top of this episode because we have been loved so well. If you hear me share in other episodes on this podcast, I tell you how lonely we felt and isolated we felt from parents that actually understood what was going on. But that does not mean we were not loved well by our community in tangible ways. But in those early days that I didn't have people that actually understood what was going on in the home and the people that tried to and missed the mark made it harder for Mo and I and it actually isolated us more because we Felt misunderstood. We felt judged. We pulled back. We stayed home. We didn't feel comfortable trying to parent in front of people because it was confusion and judgment, because the behavior was confusing to us too. But we were practicing new ways of being as a family. And so the people that tried to, like, get it, that just had zero points of reference, isolated me more. The people that just helped us showed me love and compassion and care. So just don't. I kind of think about that, like, when helping hurts, just be a helper that doesn't hurt. And it's a tender, tender, tender time. [00:40:12] Speaker A: So solid. Thank you, guys. What is your parting advice for these dear friends, family members that. That you guys are all doing your best too. We know you love us. We know you love the families in your life. What would you say, Becca, you start. [00:40:32] Speaker B: Oh, man. My parting advice if you're trying to love on an adoptive and foster family with a new placement is do something tangible. That's part one. We talked a lot about different ways to do that. Do something tangible. Small or big. Drop off cookies, grab a kid for ice cream. Do some, you know, flea care removal. Do something tangible. And then my second one is, I do just want to very, very briefly elaborate on this idea of advice giving. It's human nature when we hear something to try to relate to it. So I do want to give a little bit of compassion for our community members. And I'm going to use kind of a personal example here, very briefly. I lost my mom when I was in high school. Throughout the rest of my life, when people hear that, they want to share. Well, I lost so and so or owe me to or oh, this too. And I understand the heart behind that is to connect. So same with oh, your baby didn't sleep. My baby didn't sleep too. But I want to just caution you that when we're talking about parenting, when that comes across as advice or have you tried or you shoulds, it creates pressure that doesn't need to be there. So hold it in your heart, think of it and feel like you can relate. And then within the context of your relationship, talk through things that you guys have in common. But don't lob it as like a have you thought, oh, me too. Like, I get that feeling. We it's a move to connect, but [00:42:05] Speaker C: when miss it's a bid for connection, right? [00:42:07] Speaker B: Yeah. But when misplaced, it can do some harm. [00:42:12] Speaker C: Thank you for sharing that, Becca. I think I'm getting emotional thinking about who might be listening to this episode because whoever's listening to this episode has potentially gotten here because somebody they love has asked them to listen to this episode. Maybe, just maybe. And I think about the people that came alongside Mo and I and were willing to learn and grow with us on our journey. And that's quite possibly the position of the listener. So I would say thank you for listening. Like, thank you for hanging with us in this conversation and for being willing to think creatively and tangibly and move with care. Just move with care. Because my assumption is you're listening to this because you have a heart of care and compassion and you want to do right by and you want to be supportive and you want to be loving and safe. You want to be an emotionally safe, supportive person to whomever it is that's walking this journey. And by listening to this, you're showing that you are. So the act of showing up and being willing to learn something new or try to understand a different perspective. I can't think of a time. I mean, maybe there has been, but just off the top of my head, I can't think of ever being hurt by somebody who was curious. And not in a nosy way. I don't mean like in a nosy because they want gossip to go share it with the prayer circle. I mean like somebody that asked me questions because they showed they cared and they wanted to understand what I was experiencing. And in doing so, I received that as you love me and my kid enough to understand the reality of the complexity of what we're walking through. So that curiosity just to me, never. I didn't experience that the same way I experienced drive by advice. It just lands different. So take a posture of meet tangible needs, show love and care, and be willing to learn and maybe change your mind about some things that maybe you had preconceived notions about. What about you, Jesse? [00:44:19] Speaker A: Oh, those are so good. I think I want to build on one of the things you said, which is you're listening to this because you're trying to learn how to support the adoptive and foster families in your life. And thank you for that. I would encourage you to keep going. The less you make the families you care about educate you on adoption, foster care, how the system works, how the process works, thoughtful language that you can use or shouldn't use, the less that the family has to do and the more that you can research that and think about it and listen to and be curious about on your own, apart from them, oh, my goodness, what a blessing that is to the family. My friends that have done that for us, even if they were walking a different road. That has just blessed our socks off. So thank you for listening to this. Whether it was sent to you, which takes a lot of humility to listen to something someone sends to you, or whether you found it on your own, I mean, thank you. And I would just say especially for friends and family, sometimes the way that people parent can feel a little bit. Can feel a little bit personal. You know, like it's almost like a reaction to the way we raised our kids or reaction to the way our friends saw us parent or CS parenting. It's really hard not to take that personally when we see our friends or our children or our family members choose a different way, whether that's their parenting techniques or even the way of they've chosen to build their family. Just different things like that. And I would encourage you not to take that personally. I don't know if that's a female thing or if it's like a human thing. I don't know. What do you think, Tana? [00:46:23] Speaker C: Probably a little bit of both. But maybe it's mostly us ladies because the motherhood piece, I don't know, it just feels, it's so important. Just such a huge part of who we are. Yeah. [00:46:32] Speaker A: I would just encourage you to know they're not parenting at you. They're not parenting, you know, to. [00:46:38] Speaker C: In reaction to you. [00:46:39] Speaker A: Right. And so you can both know that you did a great job raising your child. You did the best job you could do at the time that you were doing it raising your child and that your child is doing that too, even if it looks different or your friend is too, even if that looks different. And to, to be able to just offer open handedness to that. And yeah, we just love the people that have walked alongside us and supported us in this journey. Thank you guys for being, for being those people for the people in your life. We will see you next time. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If you're interested in learning more, head to empoweredtoconnect.org for our library of resources. Thank you to Kyle Wright who edits and engineers all of our audio and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at etc, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empowered to Connect podcast. In the meantime, let's hold on to hope together.