[E210] More than Cake & Balloons: How We Show Kids They Matter

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign to the Empowered to Connect podcast, where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. Hey everybody, this is Jesse Farris and I'm here with Tana ottinger and Becca McKay. And guys, it is birthday month in my house. There are like lots of celebrations that happen back, back to back. It's like every two weeks we're celebrating somebody and then in the grand scheme of things, we get to celebrate our wedding anniversary at the end. And one last blast. So it can be a little exhausting, I'm not gonna lie. And it's kind of caused me to start thinking about just what is important when it comes to celebrating a person. And I want to know from you guys, when is a time from your childhood that you remember feeling celebrated? [00:01:01] Speaker B: The two. So I have two that pop to mind. The first one is I taught myself to play the guitar when I was like in middle school. And there was a year where for my birthday, my parents surprised me with my own guitar. Like, my brother and I had shared one or had used one. Like, that was at our school. And so there was a year, I can't remember if I was in 9th or 10th grade and my birthday surprise. And we lived in like a 900 square foot apartment. So they had hidden it on our balcony. Like, they had hidden it behind some boxes on a. So I had no idea, idea that it was coming. And they pulled out this guitar and it was something that I was really into at the time. I was really enjoying it. I was spending a lot of time with it. I didn't ask for it. That wasn't what I had asked for for my birthday. And it was like they saw me, they knew what was important to me. They knew I wasn't gonna ask for it because it was kind of expensive. But they like saw me and gave it to me. That's one that comes to mind. And the other is like, which. All these are birthdays. But we could talk about other things too. But the other thing is, uh, I have a twin sister and we celebrated our birthdays together most of my childhood. And the ritual that we had was we decorated our own cupcakes. And we always had yellow frosting for Rachel and purple frosting for me. And so the. They started that when we were tiny. And I just remember, like, when I see cupcakes, I'll like take a picture of them and send them to my twin. Now, like, it's just like, to me ingrained with like, that ritual that they started When I was tiny and carried through high school, it changed over time. You know, the way we celebrated changed, but, like, they had kind of started that when I was little. And so now, you know, I think of times when people bring me a cupcake, and it's like. It's like, a little extra special because it's just sentimental to me. So those are two that pop to mind. [00:02:46] Speaker A: Do you still gravitate towards the purple? The purple icing? [00:02:49] Speaker C: Ah. [00:02:50] Speaker B: My color preferences have shifted over time, but I recently became a mom to a baby girl, and I'm drawn to everything purple for her. And my husband is like, no pink. And so, like, it's funny because I'm like. Even though I have drifted away from purple in my adulthood, when I was, like, loving on my baby, I love all things purple for her. So all the. [00:03:10] Speaker A: It's just sentimental to me, not unrelated. [00:03:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:14] Speaker A: What about you, Tana? [00:03:17] Speaker C: Two things came to mind. One is a Christmas gift. In my young childhood, it was that I'm about to date myself. So, hey, hang tight, y'all. And I also just gave y'all y'all. So I also just told y'all I'm from Texas. How do you tell somebody you're from Texas without telling them you're from Texas? You say y'all real strong. Okay. So it was. It was back in the Cabbage Patch Kid phase. [00:03:42] Speaker A: Yes. [00:03:42] Speaker C: And I wanted one so bad. Like, so bad bad. And it was during the phase where, like, people were getting trampled and you were waiting in line and they were selling out. You know, the days of shipments in Amazon, you get to, like, actually go stand in the store and try to get one that was, you know, just put on the shelf. And they were selling out everywhere. Everywhere. So we were approaching Christmas. I just knew for sure there was no way I was going to get one. And I surely was not going to accept one of the homemade ones that some people were making at that time when you couldn't get them off the store shelves. And I woke up Christmas morning, and there were two there. And I found out that my mom had worked out a deal with my aunt who lived overseas. [00:04:29] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [00:04:30] Speaker C: To get Cabbage Patch Kids and ship them to me internationally. And, of course, I woke up Christmas morning and felt extra special. And funny thing, if y'all have never smelled a Cabbage Patch doll, like, they smell like baby powder. They have their own smell. And that is still an incredibly sentimental smell to me. In fact, I was just visiting one of our young adults last week, and we went to, like, a toy store. And we were like, do you remember this? Do you remember this? From when they were little and walked by a doll and I just happened to pick it up and it smelled like a cabbage special. So that's one. Another thing that is just a huge, sentimental time of celebration for me was my dad, who has now passed, was diagnosed with Ms. When I was in middle school. And as you can imagine, it was a really difficult time for our family. We were going through a ton of family transitions. He retired and started staying home. And my dad was a very playful, loving, nurturing dad to me. Like, I had the gift of that. And I very much understand what a privilege and gift it is to be able to say that about my dad. But he was. He just delighted. Like, he just. My remembrance of my dad was that he delighted in me and all in middle school because he was retired. He was the one that packed my lunch. My mom started working full time, and they just kind of divvied up chores that way. And so my dad wrote me notes in my lunchbox every single day. And I wish that I would have just kept them. I don't have them anymore. But there were many a time when I would open my lunchbox and my dad would have written my friend's notes. And so, like, it was all my friends were always wondering if at the table, like, there would be a note from them, you know, to them from my dad. So what a sweet way to celebrate me. And even in middle school, like, people thought it was cool if Papa Joe wrote them a note to. So celebrating me by caring about my people and just being, like, really, really tender. [00:06:31] Speaker A: I love that. I have never in my life wanted to go back to middle school, but maybe I kind of want to just so I could get a note from my lunch table. Yeah, I want to sit at your lunch table. [00:06:42] Speaker C: Yeah, you do. You do. They were really sweet. What about you, Jesse? Does anything come to mind for you? [00:06:47] Speaker A: Well, I was thinking of birthdays too, actually, and the one that I felt most celebrated was, I think it was my eighth or ninth birth. It's funny, isn't it funny how your memories kind of meld together? I was just talking about this particular birthday party with my mother recently, and we, like, said one thing, and then I went back and found a picture of it. Anyways, it was a birthday party that was thrown by my extended family. And when I was growing up, I moved around a lot. And so usually we would spend holiday breaks going back to visit our grandparents and our extended family. My mom was one of four siblings and on the younger end. And so I had all these cousins and second cousins who were a lot older than me, almost like aunts and uncles to me. And my memory of this birthday is like my entire extended family on my mom's side being at my grandmother's house. And it was all for me, all for my birthday. And the funny thing is, we. We were thinking that my birthday cake was a face cake. Like, both of us had that memory. And then when. When I found the picture, I was like, no, it was a my little pony cake. How was that? Anyways? But they made like, my cousins made me a puff paint T shirt with, like, drew their faces on it and their names. Like, everybody signed it. And like, there was all this, like, big deal. We didn't have a video camera, like, recorder growing up, and somebody recorded it on videotape. And so, like, I could go back and watch the party. I just rem being feeling incredibly celebrated and like the center of attention. And it was very special to me. And then I also remember a time that became special but was kind of a parenting fail from my parents for my 13th birthday. I had moved that year from upstate New York to Atlanta, Georgia. So I was experiencing major culture shock. Everything that was cool in my old world was not cool in my new world. And cool was very important as I was transitioning from sixth to seventh grade, and my parents gave me a trip to go visit my old friends in New York. But the way they did it was by giving me a girl scout membership because all of my friends in New York were part of the girl scouts. And when I went to visit, they were going to go to a girl scout camp for part of that time, and I needed to be a member to go with them. And my membership had lapsed or something. So all I remember is they gave me this membership to the girl Scouts. And I was like, you've ruined my life. What have you done to me? You know? And like, I was like, they don't understand. This isn't cool down here. And I was freaking out. And. And the. I read the card out loud and it made them start laughing because I read welcome to a desolence. And they were. They made them burst out laughing because it said adolescence. And anyways and desolates is how you were feeling, right? That's how I was feeling. And it made them laugh, which made me more mad because I was like, they're not taking me serious. And then once we got it sorted out, I was like, oh, my gosh, this is Going to be an amazing gift. But at the time I was not loving it. That was kind of a parenting fail. I felt, I felt bad about that later of like, oh, they really tried to celebrate me and I just didn't receive that well. I misunderstood the whole thing. [00:10:18] Speaker B: That is middle and high school, and that is. [00:10:21] Speaker A: Yes, exactly. So when we talk about celebrating our kids or celebrating the people that are special to us in our lives, what does that mean to you guys? What does it mean when we talk about celebrating someone? [00:10:34] Speaker B: I think as I've grown, it's changed to be more about like I think it used to be. So I've always been described as known as a really good gift giver. Like when, even when I was a kid, like I would know what somebody would want and I would make sure to get them that gift. Like, that was really important to me. And, and that's part of celebrating kids, celebrating people that you love. I feel like what's changed as I've grown in my understanding is different people like to be celebrated different ways. So I think it's kind of expanded to like celebrating one person could be a discrete note because they don't want to be the center of attention, but celebrating another kid could be the big loud megaphone in front of everybody. My context for celebrating kids so far comes more from my work than my personal life. I do have a lot of nieces and nephews that I've gotten to celebrate through the years. But as a school counselor, I was able to celebrate kids who were growing in their goals or their academics or whatever the case may be. And it was really about knowing that kid, knowing what was special and important to them and then what made them feel special and important. For some of them, I could walk out to the car line and just start praising them in front of their parent or grandparent. And you could see on their face like that meant the world to them. For others of them, they wanted that praise in front of their peers. For others of them, it was a gift. You know, they wanted a certain hot talkies or whatever it was. So there's like so many different ways to celebrate. But I think, yeah, I think what I like, what I'm drawn to now is what does this person feel celebrated by and trying to meet that my baby is too little to know yet. So we're just celebrating her in all the fun, proud parent ways for now, until we learn. She's going to let us know though. She's very vocal. So when she's bigger, she's going to let Us know how she wants to be celebrated, I'm pretty sure. [00:12:24] Speaker A: What about you, Tana? What comes to mind? [00:12:28] Speaker C: It's interesting. It's. I think it's this dance between, like individual celebration and like family culture celebrations. So I feel this interesting little both and there. Right. My. My first knee jerk was 100% in alignment with what you were saying, Becca. Right. And then I'm like. But there's also something about having a culture of celebration as a family and like how we. How we do things together and how we do things for each other individually. [00:13:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:03] Speaker C: So I. But what is important in the midst of all that is that the people feel seen. So if. Meaning if there was a certain way we would do something as a family and it would be the opposite of making someone feel celebrated, then it would go by the wayside, you know, for them to feel individually celebrated. So I think celebration to me is this embracing of individuality and like family love. And the word lavish. No surprise comes to mind when I think of celebration. You know, the bigger the better over here, at least if I'm in charge of it all. [00:13:42] Speaker A: And I love that about you. I celebrate that about you, Tana. [00:13:46] Speaker C: Thank you, Jessie. Lavish. That does not make it right or wrong. That is just my personal leaning towards celebration. Yeah. [00:13:56] Speaker A: So I'm hearing from you guys a couple of things that I just jotted down on my notebook because they were sticking out to me. I loved Tana's description of the way she felt celebrated by her dad, which was delight. And that's the word that I think of when I think of celebrating someone or someone celebrating me. Is that taking delight I heard Becca talk about or no? Maybe you said it, Tana. Somebody said feeling seen, like that idea that that person really knows you. They really see you. Becca didn't ask for that guitar, but she felt seen when it was purchased for her anyways. And there's that knowing of. I really love how you pulled out the family culture piece, which is very big at. Etc. With rituals and that idea of belonging, like rituals when we're doing them as a family, that's what's communicating. This is us. Right. That you feel that sense of collectiveness and belonging when you're. When you're engaging in that celebration. So maybe you're celebrating one person, but it includes everyone. And that ritual also kind of lays maybe like an even. No matter how lavish or small it is that easiness of like, we know what to do because this is what we do when we celebrate you. Oh, look, I rhymed That'll be in a children's book one day. [00:15:24] Speaker B: This is what we do when we celebrate you. [00:15:28] Speaker A: Anyways, I just want to say, like, you're listening. I think if you're a regular listener on this podcast, you know, Jesse, Tana and Becca are very different from each other. Our families are different from each other. So obviously the way that we celebrate and prefer to be celebrated is going to be. Is going to have differences. So let's talk first. Like, you talked about a memory of when you felt celebrated. What was it about that? If you were to drill down further into that, like, what actually helps you feel celebrated? Is it the feeling seen part? What about that? Is it. [00:16:06] Speaker C: It's interesting, Jesse, because I like the discernment you just made about the way we celebrate even being different than the way we like to be celebrated. Because I like to celebrate others really lavishly and big. But I don't particularly enjoy being celebrated that way. [00:16:19] Speaker A: I was thinking that about you. [00:16:21] Speaker C: Yeah, like, let me in this. You know, we could drill down to that for a long, long time. But I prefer, like, a little active service that's quietly done. I don't want, like a big, lavish surprise birthday party. Like, that kind of makes me want to die inside, the thought of being surprised. No, thank you. But I love lavishing largely. So when I think about, for me, it's. It's the being known and the sense of belonging and delight. I think, like, do just. Just know me. So my things for my parents and what was happening to me when I was young was a quiet note of encouragement. I could share it or I could keep it personal. It wasn't a big surprise party at school. That would have not have been the right thing, like, at all. So the going the extra mile, the little act of service, it wasn't the doll, maybe as much as it was my mom and dad getting it shipped in because it was special to me. So I'm pro. An acts of service. Not probably. Now I am. You can ask my family. I'm an acts of service girl. So there's some. There's some love language going on here, too. If you're a love language person, I think absolutely probably feel celebrated. And that would be in alignment with our. Our love languages, I think. [00:17:35] Speaker A: I think you're pulling out this idea that just because you watch someone celebrating a certain way doesn't mean that's the way they prefer to be celebrated too. I mean, I. I'm thinking about my kids. Like, I observe the way they celebrate others. That's not necessarily the way they prefer to be celebr. Celebrated. And I mean your case in point, Tana. So that's good to know. What are you thinking about, Becca? When you think about the way you prefer to be celebrated? [00:18:00] Speaker B: I think it's that aspect of being thought of or considered. So like if it's something that's like, like the guitar was special because of the season I was in at that time, love, language wise, quality time is more important to me than almost anything else. It's funny, Rico, if you're listening to this, I love you. He is a lavish celebrator. Like Tana. He goes big. I mean literally last year for my birthday, he hired a friend to come play the violin in our backyard with large balloons, people. He celebrates big and it's very, very sweet. And that's not my favorite way to be celebrated. But what made it meaningful was the quality time that we spent together. So the big loud over display makes me turn red in the face. As Jesse and Tana know very well, I do not like to be on the spotlight, center of attention in any way, shape or form. But I love to be thought of and considered. So I think for me it's that quality time. It's someone seeing me acts of service I don't think became important to me until adulthood. And now it's becoming more and more and more important. Like getting my car cleaned out before we brought our baby home from the hospital was like, oh my gosh, that is the kindest thing anyone has ever done to me. I'm gonna cry tears of joy. So I think it changes over. So when we're thinking about celebrating our kids, it's going to change over time. Depending on the season they're in, there is going to be that middle school season where they're embarrassed and they don't want you to come to the classroom with the cupcakes that year because they don't want everyone to look at them. Then there's going to be other seasons where it is the big lavish. And so I think it changes over time. I don't know if I'm answering your question at all, but I think for me it's being known and seen. And so my hope as a parent and as someone who loves kids and people in my life is that I would be able to carry that forth. [00:19:50] Speaker C: What I hear you say, Becca, that's standing out to me is that even being seen and known is honoring the stages and ages and changes. Like that's part of it too, right? Like what is it? Can we do. We let the people in our life change their mind and desires about how they want to be seen and celebrated in that season. [00:20:10] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:10] Speaker C: So I love the. That's. To me, I'm having a little bit of an epiphany, right. Because we're having to switch things up over here. We've got young adults now. I've got kids who don't live in my city anymore. Like, how I celebrate and see them at holidays and special occasions is, like, evolving in real time over here at the Ottinger house. So I appreciate what you're saying there. [00:20:32] Speaker A: Yeah, that's good. All right. I love to be celebrated by being made the center of attention. And I would love something big and lavish. And I've struggled with it because this kind of bleeds into other conversations. But I often have trouble expressing what I need or want. A lot of times, I don't know what I need, but in this case, it is something I want, and I feel a little ashamed of it. So I've got this family story that was told about me from when I was a little girl, like a toddler, where I would walk in up to my parents and say, I want something. And I would make them guess the thing I wanted. It was usually like a piece of candy, or it was the thing that I was probably. I mean, I don't have a memory of this, but they would tell me, and it was. It was probably something I was ashamed to ask for because I thought they might say no, or they, you know. And so when I think about being celebrated, I am especially thinking about, like, I love people to know it's my birthday. I feel this way towards other people, too. I hate interacting with somebody and then finding out later it was their birthday or there was something that I could have celebrated about them, and I didn't know. It was tough for me growing up as a young adult in those college years. Chana's talking about how they're having to shift the way they celebrate. That was hard for me to start negotiating with the people in my lives how I liked to be celebrated. I remember getting in a fight my first year of marriage with Nick because he didn't celebrate me big enough. He thought what he did was enough. And I was like, I feel like you ignored me on my birthday. We were, like, at a summer camp, volunteering with youth, you know? And I was like, nobody's saying happy birthday to me. There was no cake. And then I felt, like, completely selfish for wanting that in the first place, you know? So it When I think about being celebrated, yes, it is that feeling of like. I mean, it's not realistic a lot of times in my everyday life, but like, not having to ask, you know, like somebody just guessed what you wanted, which isn't always realistic. Right. I want to know, how have you guys navigated celebrating on a small scale? Like when you think about the people in your life, especially kids in your life, how do you work on celebrating them on a small scale? Like maybe daily or weekly? [00:23:11] Speaker C: I love the. Oh, go ahead, Becca. [00:23:14] Speaker B: Yeah, I love the lunchbox example that you gave Tana, because I think sometimes you do get stuck in expenses. Like, how can I celebrate the kid that I love, but I don't have the means to give them what they would want or pay for something that. That. Like that. But I think that words of affirmation, whether it's their most favorite love language or not, a little note, a little word of encouragement, that's really specific. Those little lunchbox notes, I think of that in. In different seasons. Writing little notes to my nieces and nephews. I'm a big fan of as an adult, like coloring pictures with and for kids and giving that to them, because it's a lot of times what they give to adults. And so it's like kind of reciprocal. But I think that making small moments of connection can be celebratory if you. If you're intentional. So making those small. The. The walk somewhere or the drive somewhere, but finding a way to celebrate, I think when you can. I think rituals can be really meaningful. I'm going to take you for a special Sonic drink. There's some kids in my life who are not blood family, but they're my family. And our thing to do together is I take them to Sonic and get them the drink that their parents say no to because it has caffeine. And that's our thing that we do. That's how I celebrate. They're doing good in school. They had a good day. They did great in a sport. So it's those little special moments that are not super extravagant, super expensive. Usually what they cost is my time. [00:24:51] Speaker C: When I. Yeah, thank you, Becca. I was feeling similar. My mind was kind of heading down a similar. A similar road. It's the. The interactions that communicate. I see you, I cherish you, I love you. Like your needs and wants. Wants are important to me, and you're important to me. And so how that is communicated really is so different. Right. Based on the person that you're doing that with and for. So it can be hey, you know what do you want for dinner tonight? Yeah, if you've got a kiddo that like, loves comfort food, it's like, hey, babe, I know it's been a long week. Tell me what would sound good to you and I'll make that for you for dinner. Like, that is celebrating them. That's them knowing that, hey, you know, mom cared enough about me today to make sure I was considered with the menu tonight. It can be a fun little moment around the dinner table where you ask some, you know, would you rather questions or what if questions? What if this, what if that? It can be a, a kiddo that's really competitive and you know that they want some connections so they get to get to play a board game tonight before bed. Like, that can be celebratory. I, I do love me some birthday parties and holidays, so I know we're going to get there in a minute, but there's more of those than you think there are. So sometimes those can be done really frequently. You know what I mean? Yeah. [00:26:24] Speaker A: So give some examples. What are some you're thinking about that maybe aren't the big ones the heavy hitters? [00:26:30] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean, we have kiddos that are from Asia. So right now is Lunar New Year at our house. Like, that's not a holiday I grew up with or one that was part of like my family of origin. And I'm certain that I'm not even totally celebrating lunar and Chinese New Year the way a traditional Asian family would, but I'm doing like my best at it. And we have our own way of doing that. Right. So that means our Christmas tree turns into a Chinese New Year tree and they get special ornaments every year, and we do a special Asian dinner and we give them a gift. And it's like, it's a celebration that's unique to our family. But I stretch it out over like a whole month so there's little pieces of it happen over time. So to me, that's letting my kiddos that are not from America know that I'm celebrating you, your heritage, your history, and I'm fumbling my way through it. But it's not just a one off thing. It's like become part of our family ritual and rhythm and they get to be seen and celebrated uniquely during this season of time at our house. So it's that, it's the messages that it sends to me that are the most important thing. Maybe it's, hey, babe, it's been hard for you. I'm going to do your laundry this week. And normally you would ask them to again, whatever. Shape and size. [00:28:04] Speaker A: Love that. I was thinking about the episode that, that we recently had with Courtney Tierra, and she was saying, when you experience, you know, when you feel something good about someone, tell them. I feel like I saw you post this on your social media recently too, Tana. It's like, if you're feeling something sweet about your kid, tell them. And one of my kiddos recently won an essay contest and it was made into a really big deal at school. And it was a surprise. And I was thinking, you know, she was, she was so surprised about it, she was trying to make sense. And I started calling into some things about her and her personality and her characteristics that, that I could hear and read in her essay that won that contest of like, yeah, this is, people are celebrating who you are. This is something you did, but who you are actually gave birth to this essay. And so let's celebrate that, like taking it beyond just the things she did to like, like, this is worth celebrating something about you, something, you know, the unique way that you're wired. I, I also have been known to celebrate when a particular child gets in trouble at school. I'm sorry, teachers, but if, if you have a child who is very hard on themselves and is perfectionistic and has a really, you know, they're going to discipline themselves more than you ever would, then I have found opportunities to, when that kid fails, when that kid messes up. And in order to encourage resilience and a growth mindset in that child's life. So we will joke like, oh, we're waiting for you to get a level, you know, or like they were talking about, you know, the way it is in middle school and how sometimes you, you know, if you get a level one, one of the consequences is you have to have a silent lunch. And I was like, okay, hey guys, we're shooting for a silent lunch. [00:30:12] Speaker B: So funny. [00:30:12] Speaker A: Like the educators listening, please do not clutch your pearls. I promise my kids not going to, like, willingly disobey now. They're, they're an incredibly compliant child at school. But just knowing, like, it is safe to mess up, it's safe to make mistakes. And like, those are things we celebrate on a daily basis in our house to just be like, hey, congratulations, you're a human person. You win the human award today. So I was also thinking about, like, every night we say a prayer at dinner, and it isn't flowery, like, literally. And we go in the same order, the same. We've got four people in my little Family. And so we all go. And then everyone knows who's next and we just say thank you, God, for. And. And then you say a word or a phrase, and a lot of times we'll use that time if we want to, to celebrate something about another person in our family or something that we're experiencing together as a family. And that has been really sweet. Like, you know, if dad was taking care of everyone else when they got the flu last week, then we go around spontaneously and everyone says, thank you for dad. Thank you for dad. Thank you for dad, you know, and like, how's dad feeling when everyone's thanking the Lord for him during that prayer? We didn't all decide we were going to do that. It's just little sweet moments that we experience sometimes times. So I was thinking about that on the. On a small scale, let's round off with maybe some. I know Tana's bursting at the seams with her ideas on how to celebrate big. And let's just name like, you listening. And also all of us on this podcast, like, we celebrate in different ways, right? So we're. We're going to celebrate that. We have differences in the way we celebrate. So you're not too, too much, Tana. We love your lavish love. And some people are gonna hear some ideas and be like, oh, my goodness, I'm totally having a lunar New Year Christmas tree. Wait, no, it's a lunar New Year tree. Yes. Yeah, some. Some people are gonna get some good ideas, but don't feel like you. This is. There's one way to celebrate, obviously. [00:32:24] Speaker C: I think whenever we started our family, in our family, all. All of. All of our kiddos came to us through adoption. And I think there was some decision making that we made early on about who we are and what we want to do and how we want to show up. And I'm certain some of that was because it felt really, really important to us to create a sense of extravagant belonging. And maybe we were trying to counteract some messaging or some potential belief systems that could be there. So I just want to say some of the why behind that. And we started, of course, it might be naturally our tendencies. Right. But the principle and essence and heart behind it is what you hinted at earlier, Jesse, which is you belong, this is us. And so whatever shapes those celebrations take, I think the thing I would advocate for the most is consistency and predictability. So year after year, as much as possible, let things be predictable and consistent. Now, what that has mean for me is I started a whole lot of things early on that I'm now doing a lot times six for 24 years. You know what I mean? So maybe let me be a cautionary tale that if your principles and desires are for predictability and consistency, consistency and fairness, although you know that looks different, you know, equity is, is different. Different things for different kids. There are some principles I would say to be thinking about and how you want to structure these kinds of things and then what are, what do you hold, what are your pearls you're clutching as Jesse even gave the warning to the educators because they're going to have to take some different shifts and changes. But, but just from a mom that's been there and looking back I am certain that that predictability and consistency sprinkled in with lavish because that was our wiring has laid some stones and some foundation in our kids lives and it's been really important I think to their sense of self and belonging. And so what have been some of those kinds of things? Well, we have certain ways we do birthdays and we hang birthday signs a certain way and the table's always set a certain way and there's certain kinds of cupcakes and candles and kids got to always pick. In fact one of our, one of our older kids is dating and was sharing with their partner this past weekend about that of like this is I always got to pick what I wanted for breakfast on my birthday, you know, and I always got to pick what I wanted for lunch. And look, they're you know, in their early 20s and they're thinking about those young childhood things. So I'm like score. It worked like they knew they had choice and voice and autonomy to pick whatever they wanted. I didn't care what it was. So you know, we're making decisions with, with those heartbeats in mind. It was our principles that were driving our decision making. There's certain ways we do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and the kids know and it's I'm going to work my tail end off for it to be like that year over year over year. Now they've moved away. What does that look like? So I, I think do it your way. I mean I know some people, when I think about holidays, you know, they have certain kinds of gifts, certain numbers and certain reasons. I'm not dogging that. That did not work for my family. You know, there's not three presents under the Christmas tree. There's different numbers than that. But that's okay. That's our family culture. But if three is your thing, be consistent and be predictable and make sure. Your kids feel really, really seen and treasured and cherished with the way you do those celebrations. I don't know, I can get into some details, but I think that's the essence of it is predictability and consistency. Big or small, lavish or not, I. [00:36:39] Speaker B: Really, I really love that because I married into a family that no matter whose birthday it is. So I grew up far, far away from extended family and now my husband's family lives, lots of them within like 20 minutes drive, 30 minutes drive. So they're all close by. And no matter whose birthday it is, there's going to be cake and I cream. There's enough family members and I'm new enough to the family that I don't know when everybody's birthday is. But right now, as we're recording this podcast, I see the family text and it's Happy Birthday, so and so. So I know that even though there's been no communication about this, I know what that means. That means we're going to show up at that person's house tonight and there's going to be cake and ice cream. So the celebrations that each nuclear family does is different. It changes. Sometimes it's kids and they do parties at Chuck E. Cheese and other times it's teenagers and they do laser tags. But no matter what, their family always does cake and ice cream together. And so I, it's just, it's funny to listen to you talking, Tana, and just think about that is what that is. Like that's the, that's the this is us ness of, of the family I married into. And then I love. Yeah, I just love the vision you're casting of like knowing your kids, celebrating your kids. There's so many different ways to do it. I think the one example that pops to mind that I, that's just cute to me that I'll share on this episode just for is that I have a niece that was born in November and she was begging for a Halloween birthday party in November. And my sister and brother in law were like, are we going to do this? Are we not? It is still the birthday she talks about. Like she was a little one and everybody came in their Halloween costumes for a second time a month later and that is the birthday. You know, she dressed up as a cat, I think, and I can like see in my mind's eye how that was for her. So just letting it be silly and playful and it doesn't have to make sense. Like it's, you know, it's month after. But that's what she wanted. She wanted a Halloween birthday party. So just letting kids be kids and have those, like, meaningful moments that like, hopefully when she's older, she's gonna think back and be like, remember that one time we did the Halloween birthday party? That was funny. [00:38:41] Speaker A: Okay, you know what I wanna do a happy dance about. I feel like I get kind of caricatured as the high structure gal around here. And I wanna say this is Tana's area to shine in. The structure we like. I'm like, oh, my goodness, that is some structure, Tana. Like, way to go. [00:39:01] Speaker C: I have so much structure, in fact, I'm laughing. Becca, I've done a Halloween birthday party in June. [00:39:07] Speaker A: Yeah, My brother had one in April. Yeah. Yeah. [00:39:10] Speaker C: Halloween was his favorite holiday and he was begging for it. But thank you for that, Jesse. It's true. It is so much structure. There is a way it is done. [00:39:20] Speaker A: Nobody's ever just one thing, guys. [00:39:23] Speaker C: No. [00:39:24] Speaker A: So, like, when you think about the way that Tana balances nurture and structure, like, hear the structure in that. Also when you hear the way I balance nurture and structure, I'm going to come back around to you and say, guess what? You get to change your mind. You do let yourself off the hook. [00:39:42] Speaker B: Jesse says, I'm nurturing too. [00:39:45] Speaker A: I'm going to be the loosey goosey one who is, like, nurturing in this moment. But I was thinking about, like, maybe I've shared this on the podcast. I used to be, like, real. I went real big on Christmas when my oldest at the time, only child, was really young. We did. We opened a different envelope every single day for the 12 days for Christmas. And they let us do an activity to do and a treat to make and a song to listen to and sing together. And I did maybe two and a half years of that. And then I was like, oh, dear goodness, I have gotten myself into a mess. And I kept like, I have this joke at the office. Like, I tend to kind of go too complicated before I find my way of, like, something a little bit more simple. And so I did. I let myself off the hook. It happened to be during a time when another transition in our family was happening. We were adding our. Our second child. And so naturally, some things were different that year. And I used it as an opportunity to pivot and simplify a little bit. And anyways, I 100% say yes to what Tana was saying. And I also want to balance it with, like, you can change your mind and it's okay to make some changes and negotiate that as a family, it's funny because our holidays have some elements that are the same. Birthdays, like big celebrations. But what's most important to me are those milestones which are consistent but they are spread out. So I'm thinking about like in our family, there's a certain age when you get to start reading a certain popular children's novel series and you can only read through book three of that series and then you have to start middle school before you can read the rest of it. And that's like an important, important milestone in my kids lives. Like I just kind of built it in as a ritual. Or I was thinking about when our oldest child turned 13. I compiled a video of all the meaningful, safe adults from that child's life and had them telling her a message. And I will do that when my youngest child turns 13 too. Of like just saying words of life into her life. This is how I've always seen you to be. This is who you are. This is who I know you to be. And she hears in those words ways she still is even as she's getting older. Or there are different milestones for, you know, already built into like when you can get your driver's permit. That's happening in our house next month. No, this month it's happening at. I know, Becca's making a crazy face. We will have a driver. We will be teaching a human to drive in our house soon. [00:42:33] Speaker B: I can't process that. [00:42:35] Speaker A: I know. But like I've just kind of built some extras into that of like, like I think it feels good to grow up and like to grow into a random age that maybe you don't get a driver's license but you do get to read this book series or like you do get access to this type of television show or just some things that we've kind of built into that which help me celebrate that child getting older. Like there's more responsibility, but there's also really fun stuff that comes along with that child too. So I hope you've gotten some good examples of ways that you can celebrate big and small. And if you're like me, you know, having birthday month going on, maybe you've gotten some ideas for, for what you can bring into your family celebrations. Any last words, guys? Any last thoughts before we close it off? [00:43:30] Speaker B: Take time to celebrate the people that you love. Don't, don't. Don't let the exhaustion or the crazy busyness keep you from doing the little things. And when you can celebrate people in the way that they love to be celebrated. Do it big. You know, do it loud. Like I I think that we can't tell people enough how much we love them, appreciate them, care about them, and see them so in big and small ways. I just hope that we do that good. [00:44:00] Speaker C: Ditto. I see you and you matter celebration right there. [00:44:03] Speaker A: Well, you guys matter to me. Thanks for doing this with me. I celebrate who you are and listener. Do something kind for yourself today. You're worth celebrating too, even if it's just telling yourself, oh, something that's affirming about who you are. We are thankful for you and I'm thankful to have talked through this topic with you guys. I hope you have a great day and we'll see you next time. We hope you enjoyed the episode. If you're interested in learning more, head to empoweredtoconnect.org for our library of resources. Thank you to Kyle Wright, who edits and engineers all of our audio, and Tad Jewett, the creator of our music. On behalf of everyone at etc. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time on the Empowered to Connect podcast. In the meantime, let's hold on to hope together.