[E182] Nurturing Through the Ages and Stages: Parenting Teens with Jacque Rowe Fields

[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to the empowered to Connect podcast where we come together to discuss a healing centered approach to engagement and well being for ourselves, our families and our communities. I'm JD Wilson, and I am your slightly sick but mostly fine host. And today on the show, we've got one of our favorite humans. The third time we've had her on the show, it's Miss Jackie Roefields. And Jackie works as the alumni counselor at the Solesville Charter School here in Memphis, Tennessee, but has a long career in basically every sector in education. So she works everywhere from pre k to higher ed. Jackie also had five kids and is one of the most beautiful examples of parenting your kids individually. And really just as a person. She is the drawer out of passions of other people. She is a fantastic human and we had her on to talk about nurturing teens through that teenage stage. So if you're parenting teens at all, you know, it is the best of times, it is the worst of times. And there are just moments where you think, this can't get any better. And there are moments where you are like, I'm going to fight a so, but we don't actually fight children. But if you talk to Jackie and you hear Jackie talk about parenting her teens and parenting each of her five kids through that stage, and then pseudo parenting all the kids she's working with today, some incredible nuggets of wisdom to pull from on how to create relationships, how to draw out the things that are most important in that stage in your kid. Just some incredible wisdom. And so she talks about everything from advice she would give to parents who are really going through it in the attitude age of parenting, advice for kids who are, for parents who are trying to connect with their kids in different ways and having a hard time. So it's just a great episode. You're going to love her. Here she is now with Becca McKay and myself. Here she is, Miss Jackie Roe Fields. Well, as we said in the introduction, we are here with Jackie Rowfields. And you do hear my slightly sick voice here. I'm fine, but my voice is just different, so don't be thrown off by that. It's Jackie and Becca McKay and myself. And we want to talk about nurturing teens. And when we started talking about who to get to, come on, there's a short list. And our guest today was just right square in the middle of that list as the prime guest of them all. And so Ms. Jackie and Becca and I have worked together in various capacities before. And so we knew that if we were to bring Jackie on, there's several different ways she can talk about this idea. And we've also just seen with our own eyes, like, we don't have to wonder, is she telling the truth? Does she really do this kind of stuff? No, we actually have watched her do this. And so, Jackie, thank you for being here. And I wonder if you might start by just kind of telling specific. Obviously, you've been on before. This is your third time being on with this. But for people who haven't listened to other episodes, would you just kind of tell just a nutshell, kind of who you are and then how you come into this conversation today from a parenting perspective? [00:03:23] Speaker B: Hey, JD. Hey. So glad to be with you all again. Thank you for having me. I love talking about young people at all stages because fortunately, I have had, during my career, the opportunity to work with kids at every level from pre K all the way to graduate school, which not many people can say they've spanned the entire age band. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Right. [00:03:52] Speaker B: But I'm very fortunate that I've worked at pre K through middle school and now a middle school through high school, and before that, I worked in higher Ed. So working with young people as they branch out and leave their homes and start trying to figure out who they are and why they are here. Not to mention, you all know this, but I have five of my own biological children, right? I've had the privilege to watch grow and nurture them into adulthood. So that makes me pretty insightful. As we talk about nurturing young people, I think it makes me insightful. [00:04:32] Speaker A: No, come on. [00:04:34] Speaker B: It definitely makes me reflective. [00:04:38] Speaker A: You are insightful. And that insight is built off of all of those experiences, right? I think we could start here. When you were parenting these five kids, all very similar personalities, and you parented them all the same way, and they responded the same way to everything you ever did as a parent, I imagine, right? [00:05:00] Speaker B: So, no, absolutely not. All five very distinctive personalities. All five required very distinctive kinds of parenting. And in your home, you'll have some non negotiable things, right, that are just family rules and bylaws. But each of your young people will require something different of you. And what's so interesting, and I don't know if, JD, you have small children, and, Becca, you've worked with so many children, but, JD, do you see your own personality in each of your kids? Can you see a snippet of who you are in them? [00:05:43] Speaker A: I can. And it's interesting because you know this, we have two kids biologically and two kids through adoption, right? And so I don't just mean my bio kids. I see snippets of my personality and snippets of Elizabeth's personality in all four of our kids. And it is, I think. [00:06:01] Speaker B: I think parents caregivers can see the things that are nature and nurture in their children. And by that, I mean there are things that they are born with, of course, personality traits and things that they're born with, but there are things that will evolve because of the environment that they are in. And I think it's a great idea, when you're watching carefully, to try and really pour into those things that you see emerge as gifts and talents and interests. That was my philosophy with my own five children. I quickly tried to pick out the things that they were either showing interest in, leaning towards, inquisitive about, and I tried to pour more of that, more of that in their direction. [00:06:51] Speaker C: When you think back to when they were teenagers and you think about your relationship with them, I can imagine what it would have been like to have you as a mom during teenage years. I imagine lots of fun, lots of laughter, lots of goofiness just because of who you are. But I didn't know you then. So I wonder, when your kids were teenagers, what do you remember about your relationship with them during those years? [00:07:18] Speaker B: Yeah, Becca, I think you nailed it. I think if you were talking to either of the five of them, they would know mom was full of fun and always coming up with crafts and had us out playing games. And as you two both know, that whole game culture in our home turned out to be hella awkward card game that my oldest daughter and oldest son end up developing. And a lot of that grew out of the fact that we didn't have a lot of resources. We were not a wealthy family. And when you've got a lot of mouths to feed, you have to come up with ways to keep those little people entertained. So they would definitely say, we played games, and mom was fun and always found stuff to do. But the thing I love to say to parents is, it is about the time you give, not the thing you give. Make the time be the thing. And so, because I didn't have a lot of money to give my kids, I gave them a lot of time. And that was time in conversation. That was time sitting and just watching the thing they wanted to watch. That was time taking a walk. That was time coloring together, building those kind of relationships. By recognizing that, as my youngest son says, you have to get a receipt for the time you give. The receipts come when you pour in the time when you spend time, you get receipts in strong relationships. [00:08:51] Speaker C: Do you know what I'm remembering? As you said, I just said I didn't know you, but I did know you when your youngest was still in high school. And I remember for a season. I don't know why I remember this, Miss Jackie, but you came into work a little bit late and it was because you wanted to be there in the morning when he was getting off to school, if I'm remembering correctly. And so exactly what you're saying now that you're talking, I'm just remembering that in your real life, it wasn't like you were 2 hours late, but you prioritized. No, this is my youngest last know in this season of life. And you really invested really specifically and made sacrifices in order to do that. [00:09:30] Speaker B: Becca, he talks about that to this day. My birthday was just last week. And they each called me and had different stories to tell know life with mom to celebrate her birthday. And he tells that story all the time about every morning. He had french toast, quick, easy thing to make for breakfast, right? And I saw him off to school every morning. And that was so important to me, number one, because he was the last. So I was just kind of soaking up every ounce of time I could with him. But also, it was just important to me for him to feel seen as a young person. That's the other trap you fall into. And I did too. I'm guilty of this. Everyone hear me now. I could do 1000 things over again because hindsight is 2020. Sure, right? You get so busy with trying to get dinner on the table, get homework done. Heavens knows you need to bathe these children, right? You need to wash their hair, they need laundry in the morning that's clean. You get so wrapped up in just the survival, day to day survival. But every way you can, you need to make sure that your young people feel seen as individuals. One of the things that I used to love to do with this youngest son is at night I would read even just a few pages of a book. Okay, now his thing, he loved the Narnia series. So we would climb up in his bed. I don't care if I couldn't read, but a page, we'd read a page. And then the other kids who had already had their reading together with mom time, they'd all pile in too, just because there was something neat about bunching up in the bed together and hearing mom read. And after that, I could tuck everyone in. And we always had a nighttime tuck in ritual too. But it's so important to make sure the people that you're responsible for, that you're gifted with. That's how I see it. I was gifted with these young lives to nurture that they're seen as individuals. And I will tell you all, I learned the most about parenting from my child. That was the most difficult to parent, and I'm trying not to give it away. But that child actually taught me to be the educator that I am. The philosophies that I have around education were formed based on learning how to be a good parent for this particular child. And that child and I are very close. We probably talk more than even the other ones. We talk every day, actually. We actually talk every day. [00:12:22] Speaker A: So I want to put a pin in that and come back to that particular part of your life in a second. You also, in a lot of ways, are playing a similar role with high school students all the time and middle school students all the time right now in your current role. A lot of times, I will just be honest, I get exhausted of the generational conversations, like, what's this generation's x, y or z? Because to some extent, people are people and we can get lost in that and no one fits in a box. But are there things that you see, I mean, having parented five teens all the way through into leaving the house, are there things you see in teenagers today that you wish parents could see to either watch out for, not take as much as seriously those kinds of things. Are there generational things you see now that you're like, oh, parents, I wish I could just tell you, don't stress over that or make sure you watch this one thing. [00:13:22] Speaker B: That's a really good question, JD. I think for me, working with young people right now, and you all talk about this all the time on the show about trauma, but I think that the mental health, and I will call it a crisis, the mental health crisis right now is ten times more serious than it was previously with young people that I've worked with. They've just seen more. They deal with more, everything from the pandemic and the COVID lockdown to the constant onslaught of violence that they're dealing with. Right. If I could sit parents down right now, I would say, pay attention to your children's mental health and do not fluff away things that you're seeing. Don't come up with excuses for what's probably or could be depression. Parents need to educate themselves about the signs of what it looks like to be struggling with your mental health, because it's easy to ignore it's easy to say, oh, they're just tired. Oh, they're just being moody. And that's why they don't want to come out of their room. Teenagers never like to eat, so they're just being picky eaters when they're not eating anything. So if I had to give any advice to parents, that's the area where I would say, do not excuse those things away. Get in there and ask questions and listen to what they're saying. How are you feeling? And if they are saying they're not feeling good, or if they are saying they're worried or anxious or nervous or afraid, do not excuse that as, oh, those are just little kid stresses. No, kid stresses are big stresses to kids bodies. Yes. And so that's where I would tell parents to be very cautious about what they're seeing and hearing from their young people. Now, there are things that I think are generational, and I'm thinking about, for example, the generation before me who got involved in rock and roll, and those parents thought that music was of the devil. And then my generation, I'm the first hip hop generation, right? And my parents were like, what is that gibberish? And so know whatever the music is that's so know the Taylor Swift generation. Can I say I don't understand? [00:15:55] Speaker C: You can say you don't understand. You could say you don't. [00:15:58] Speaker A: My daughter will fight you, though. [00:15:59] Speaker B: I know she will. [00:16:03] Speaker C: But it's a passion. [00:16:05] Speaker B: Hey, Taylor Swift is a great. [00:16:14] Speaker A: I'm not getting in a Taylor swift argument. I think she. [00:16:17] Speaker C: Period. Oh, I wasn't going to argue about Taylor Swift. I was going to say this generation grabs onto trends hardcore and they change really fast. So I think what you're saying, jackie Rowe, is really just reminding me of, like, I think we've all, well, at least my generation had the same kind of pattern, but we held on to our trends for longer. And with this generation, it feels like they just go from one to the say, I don't think parents should try to keep up with the, you know what I mean? I don't think you should keep up with the trends. Meaning, I don't think you have to try to be cool with your kids, but I think it's important to know that that's happening, you know what I mean? And that's how it's going and that it's influenced a lot by their peers and by social media and how fast stuff is moving. So if you're really annoyed by a trend, the good news is it'll probably pass quickly. [00:17:09] Speaker B: It'll probably just keep on moving. Yeah, that's exactly what I mean, Becca, is know young people for generation after generation get swept up in whatever the thing is. And so parents don't get carried away about whatever the thing is, because there'll be a new right. [00:17:27] Speaker C: That's right. It'll keep moving. I wonder, Jackie Rowe, as you support kids, can you tell a little bit about your current work? Just because I think it's such an interesting, your role is so interesting that a lot of high schools don't have. So I wonder if you can share what it is that you do right now. [00:17:44] Speaker B: Yeah, thanks for asking about that. So I have the perfect marriage of all of my passions in one job. And so I feel super blessed to be able to say that because I've had some very different kinds of jobs in my life. But my technical title is alumni counselor. And what I'm charged with doing is working with students that have graduated from the high school and really following them along on the next leg of their journey and just supporting, troubleshooting, being a listening ear, problem solving, steering in different directions. And it doesn't matter what the path is, which is very important to me because we're coming out of the charter school phenomena where everything is college. Right, right. And we are slowly understanding that everyone's path is not college college. And I'm so excited. We're starting to again accept people have different gifts and passions, and everyone doesn't have to go to a traditional four year college to do that. There are other ways to find your vocation in life, find your calling in life. And so whatever they're called to do, I'm there to walk with them. And equally exciting about that. So that pulls in. You guys remember I talked about having worked in higher ed, that pulls in all of that knowledge of higher ed into this space. [00:19:15] Speaker A: Right. [00:19:16] Speaker B: But what I'm also excited about doing is reaching into the lower grades and helping them to start thinking about, and not like a career day vocation, but about what you love, what you're interested in when you're doing that one thing that makes you feel so fulfilled. What is that one thing that you. Yeah, so that's what I do now. Becca, thanks for, it's really, it's a cool, like, I've been really fortunate to walk alongside a lot of young people. [00:19:52] Speaker A: I love that. I wonder if that you talked about this kind of being your dna as a parent anyways, but I wonder if there's some things that you would give as points of advice based on how you're seeing, whether it's. If you know, Jack, her personality is not. She doesn't need tips and tricks on how to connect with kids and find out their passions and all that. But if you're thinking about our parents who are sitting at home like, well, it's great she's got that skill. I have trouble connecting with my teens and trying to figure out how to help them through this. Are there any kind of tangible steps you can think of for the freshman, sophomore, junior in high school? For parents, maybe help begin nurturing that part of their life, giving them some exposure, experiences and different things? [00:20:42] Speaker B: Okay, great question. This is something I'm just starting to tap into. Kids love to hear stories about your life when you were a kid. Sometimes they're not so great with talking. Like, you can sit down, we think. We sit down and say, hey, how was your day today? And we expect kids to just let the words roll out and they may not feel like talking, but tell them a story about when you were a kid at their age, or if you can get, hey, what happened at school today? Oh, we had a pep rally. I remember when I was in 9th grade and we had our first pep rally and susie went out to do a cheer and she fell on the floor and I laughed so hard and I was the one who got in trouble and escorted out of the gym. Kids love. That's not a true story, by the way. [00:21:35] Speaker A: Jd, there's no chance that's not a true story. That's 100% a true story. [00:21:40] Speaker B: I know, but kids love to hear stories about your life as a kid at their age. So figure out ways to incorporate your own story. And then it gives them a chance to say, oh, maybe this adult really does get what it's like to be my age, be a young person. That is my new favorite thing to do. And, I mean, they eat it up. They love it. Now, other than that, I believe in exposure. I mean, exposure to every possible thing you can put your hands on. In my house, there were a few things that were kind of standards pillars, I would call them, okay, you were going to play an instrument, you were going to have some sort of sport or physical activity. So for four out of my kids, they all chose sport, but one of my children chose dance. Okay, you were going to learn something about a language you didn't mean you had to become fluent, but you're going to study a language in a culture just so that you could realize that the world is much bigger than where you live. And there are other people who think and feel different things. Okay? And then our family is a faith based family. And so you were going to church, and you were going to have some service in the church. You were going to be in the choir or junior usher. Those were the things that were important. Four pillars in my family, okay? And my kids all did that. And when I say sports, you all, they tried everything, soccer, baseball, bowling, tennis, golf. And remember, I did not have a lot of money. So in some of these scenarios, it was me going out and at least learning the. [00:23:39] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:39] Speaker B: And then coming back and trying to teach. Know, we had rackets from. Yeah, we had tennis rackets from goodwill, and we just hit the tennis ball up to the garage door until they got pretty good. That was as much as I could do. But they could go out and play on the court, and there was a court at high school that they could play on, fortunately. So exposure to every single thing you can think of, it pays off. I remember my oldest son, I thought was going to be a lawyer. I thought he was going to study law just because of his personality. He loves to debate ideas. He loves reading, he enjoys writing, and he loved law and order. And I thought for sure this kid was going to be a lawyer. As a matter of fact, he did, too, when he was in high school. He talked about, when I'm going to law school and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, an opportunity became available at Georgetown University for what we call the pre college program. And I was determined. I was sending this kid to this pre college program, okay? So he could really see what it was like to be a lawyer and scraped up my pennies, actually had to sell some chicken plates to help raise some money, and sent him on a plane to Georgetown University. He had an incredible time, came back and thought, law is it. I'm doing law. I love law. I know exactly what I'm going to do. Well, that very same summer, you all, I challenged all of my kids to start a business, and they had to write a business plan. And the reason for this was because they were teenagers at this point, and teenagers want new shoes. I think they need to have their own little spending money. Well, I didn't have a lot of money to give each of them an allowance. So I thought, you guys, you're going to have to figure out how you're going to earn some money. We're going to start a business. And this is how a business plan looks. You're going to fill out your business plan. I'm going to loan you the startup money to get it going. And he and his brother started a three on three basketball tournament. [00:26:02] Speaker A: No way. [00:26:04] Speaker B: They had a three on three basketball tournament in the neighborhood each summer until he graduated from high school. And what he ended up figuring out is that he loved sports and he loved the management of sports, and he ended up majoring in sports management. [00:26:21] Speaker A: Unbelievable. [00:26:23] Speaker B: Now he's one of the founders of overtime sports. Shout out to overtime. [00:26:29] Speaker A: Amazing. So awesome. That is so awesome, Jackie. This has been awesome. And, you know, we could just sit and talk all day. [00:26:39] Speaker B: Do you guys have all day? [00:26:40] Speaker A: Tuck it up. I'll make all day for you. I do have just one question. As we close out. I just wonder about your perspective on those hardest of teenage days where you don't want to nurture, where you're catching all the puberty, all the hormones, all the attitude, all the know it allness that exists in moments with our teens, sober minded from the moment now, like, withdrawn from it now and having mostly just sweet memories of those years. When you think back on those hard times, are there some pillars we can take or some things that you're like, I just needed to remember this, or I wish I would have more often remembered this. [00:27:21] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a great question because it can be really hard sometimes. And I think the important thing to remember is exactly what you said. Hormones, developmentally, that's a phase that they're in. It's not personal. It may feel like a personal attack on you and the energy may be directed your way, but remember, there's something developmentally going on in that body, in that brain that's really kind of driving the bus in terms of how they're reacting with age. We learn. Some of us learn, but we do learn. I'm still learning. I'm still learning. We do learn how to manage some of those frustrations and processes, and it's important to remember that those things are developmental. It is not personal. The other thing I would say is to be gracious with yourself. And if you do get angry, if you do feel hurt, remember, you are a living, breathing human being, too, and you are susceptible to having feelings that can be hurt. But you are the adult, and so it's incumbent upon you to take the adult road. You don't match that energy. Okay. You make the decision that even this is a learning moment that I can help my teen through. No matter how I'm feeling. My feelings are real, but I still got a role here to play. Much easier said than, yeah. [00:28:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:58] Speaker C: I have to ask one last question. Jackie Rowe, more than anyone else that I've just seen you in so many different contexts do this. You are so supportive of each person doing their best. And I feel like I've seen you work with people of all different ability levels of all different interests, of all different backgrounds. And that's just, I think partly it's just who you are, but I wonder, did you ever have to let go of what you wish your kids would have done or what you wish some kids that you know would have done? How do you do that? How do you look at each person and just support the mess out of them? Like, you are just the cheerleader for every single person that you know? [00:29:44] Speaker A: Yes. [00:29:45] Speaker C: And I think if we could all take a little bit of that energy into our relationships with our teens, it would go a long way. But I don't know where that comes from in you. So I wonder if, you know, do you know where that comes from or are you just too awk? [00:29:58] Speaker B: Oh, man. Yeah. Becca and you described me so well, because when you were asking the question, do you ever wish one of your kids or the person around you would do this or do that? And I was shaking my head no, because I don't have any subscribed notion of what the person should do or should be doing. Now, whatever it is you're doing, I am going to push you to do that with excellence, but I don't have any notion of what it is you're going to do. Does that make sense? Like, I have to really wait and see what you decide you're going to do, and then I am going to cheer you on to be excellent at that thing that you're going to do. Right now, I have an adult child who has chosen a path that I didn't see coming and I wouldn't have selected. He's choosing to be an artist, and it's a difficult path to try and carve your way into becoming a successful artist. Know, being able to feed yourself. I have two artists in my family, my oldest daughter, who is know, actress singer, and then number three, who is trying to find his way here in Memphis. As an artist, I can do nothing but cheer because, number one, kudos to you for being brave enough to identify something that's a really hard thing and a risky thing to do. I don't want you to look back when you're 50 and think, man, I wish I had tried to be an actress, be a singer, be a dancer, be a writer. No, look back in 50 and think, hey, I did that and look at me now. Or at least I tried it and it didn't work out. So that's why I just so confidently can cheer you on in whatever you're doing until you decide you don't want to do that. And then I'll cheer you on with the next thing, baby. Yeah. [00:31:59] Speaker A: So true. Oh, she is Jackie Roe Fields. We were talking to her about nurturing teens, and you can read about her more on the Soullessville charter school website if you would like to. She's the best person we know, and so we're so glad. [00:32:15] Speaker B: That feels like I need to write a book. You can read more about her. [00:32:19] Speaker C: I've been telling you this for years. [00:32:23] Speaker A: You already are. You already have some author credits in the book, so don't act like you don't have your name out there. Right? So the author of the forthcoming untitled book, Jackie Rosefield. Jackie, thank you so much for being here with us today. Thanks. [00:32:42] Speaker B: You got great questions. Yay. This was so much fun. Thank you. [00:32:50] Speaker A: Listen, we love Miss Jackie. We're huge fans of her, obviously, but just great conversation with her today. And so I hope that she took something away from it today. For me, just the reminder that every person that we meet, every child in our care, every person in our kind of relational circle, they've got unique gifts and skills and abilities, and we can help draw those things out of them to let that beautiful individuality shine. And I just was super encouraged today by everything that Jackie said. So I hope you were as well, with all that said. That's all for us here today at empowered to connect. For Kyle Wright, who Edison engineers all of our audio. And for Tad Jewett, the creator of the music behind the empowered to Connect podcast, I'm JD Wilson, and we will see you next week on the empowered to connect podcast. Close.